Hello everyone,
Little big update here.
First I'll start with a small issue; I had to bring Altaïr to the vet yesterday, the tough little cat had a little wound under his eye from romping with Rosalina (most probably). In the course of the week he kept scratching it open, so it extended to his whiskers. It didn't look very good, so I brought him to the vet.
The vet gave him two injections, one antibiotic, to stop the inflammation, and one against the itch. They gave me a creme to smear over the wound as well. After a day it's looking much much better already! He seems happier now too!
To continue,
Today I had my last meeting at the psychologist. In a way I was happy, happy I came such a long way. Happy I changed so much, learned so much about myself. Happy I've become the man I wanted to be. The man I always thought I was, but I was unable to find him inside of my own body.
Now I did. I found him. I found myself, so it had to come to an end.
I'm a bit disappointed. In the course of the year I came to appreciate my therapist so much. Apart from doing her regular job she took that extra little step. The kind of step that she didn't have to do to do her job. It was that kind of step that makes her personally involved with her patients. I appreciate that so much, but it also means that I will miss her. Apart from it being her job she's a good listener too. I thought this kind of commitment couldn't be left unnoticed, so I did the least I could do. I wrote her a nice thank you card. She was touched by it and said: "This is what makes this job so much fun."
After I shook her hand, she said: "I hope I won't see you back here again, but who knows, I get to see you under different circumstances again."
We exchanged smiles, wished each other happy holidays, and for the first time in my life, I realized I walked out of the building head up, smiling.
Suzanne meant a lot in my life, and she will definitely be remembered.
Even though it was in me all along, she really helped me realized who I truly am.
Hereby I recommend everyone to seek help whenever there is something you can't see a way out of.
Hopefully you'll get the same help I got.
Now it is time for me to spread my wings and explore this wide world, not as a boy who looked down his whole life, but as a man who faces the world and stands up for what he believes in.
This is to you.
Yours truly,
Mike
donderdag 11 december 2014
zaterdag 6 december 2014
December 6th 2014
So it's been a while again since I've last updated.
Nothing much going on at the moment, still waiting for the next step in my life.
Nothing much going on at the moment, still waiting for the next step in my life.
It will take some time, all this waiting, but I hope I hear something very soon and I can decide on the next step.
For now things are kind of messy at work, it's a big pot of soup, everybody throws in random ingredients, nobody knows how to cook, and the soup boils over. That's pretty much what's going on.
In my private life things are going well. I found myself drawing more and more, and enjoying every bit of it. All my cats seems to be getting closer to me as well, specially my homeboy Altaïr.
As you probably know the little devil likes to sit on shoulders. He has a new thing. Jump on my shoulder from the floor. First time he tried that was when I was peeing ( I always leave the door open). Scared me, but in an instant I realize it was him, which instantly made me laugh!
Also in terms of losing weight I succesfully dropped below 100KG! I'm 98,4 now, which is a record in a long time!
It's been cold lately, I'm not sure if I start to become more human, or that it actually IS cold.
I think the first. I'm becoming more human. I can smile again, laugh again, give problems the big fat middle finger and go my own way. Sometimes I'll just have to swallow it, but it does make me the person I am now.
Also I've started to sell t-shirts now, or rather, designs for t-shirts.
Take a look on: Long story, shirt.
So yeah, short update, but at least you know I'm still here, fighting for what's right. ( That sounded way more awesome than it should).
Thanks again for reading, and hopefully see you guys soon again.
Yours truly,
Mike
For now things are kind of messy at work, it's a big pot of soup, everybody throws in random ingredients, nobody knows how to cook, and the soup boils over. That's pretty much what's going on.
In my private life things are going well. I found myself drawing more and more, and enjoying every bit of it. All my cats seems to be getting closer to me as well, specially my homeboy Altaïr.
As you probably know the little devil likes to sit on shoulders. He has a new thing. Jump on my shoulder from the floor. First time he tried that was when I was peeing ( I always leave the door open). Scared me, but in an instant I realize it was him, which instantly made me laugh!
Also in terms of losing weight I succesfully dropped below 100KG! I'm 98,4 now, which is a record in a long time!
It's been cold lately, I'm not sure if I start to become more human, or that it actually IS cold.
I think the first. I'm becoming more human. I can smile again, laugh again, give problems the big fat middle finger and go my own way. Sometimes I'll just have to swallow it, but it does make me the person I am now.
Also I've started to sell t-shirts now, or rather, designs for t-shirts.
Take a look on: Long story, shirt.
So yeah, short update, but at least you know I'm still here, fighting for what's right. ( That sounded way more awesome than it should).
Thanks again for reading, and hopefully see you guys soon again.
Yours truly,
Mike
zaterdag 1 november 2014
November 1st 2014
Hello everyone,
I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for almost about a month.
I guess I didn't have much I wanted to vent. Nonetheless I believe I owe you an update.
Life has been going slow recently. I'm working on something big and unfortunately it's taking longer than expected. This has put my life on hold until I've got some clearance on the matter.
Other than that I've been quite annoyed at the wintertime. It being dark so early makes me lose my will to do something active. So lately I've just been watching tv, series and playing some games.
I've been thinking of getting myself some vitamin D3, however I still need to phone the doctors for that.
To continue; my visits at the psychologist are almost over. I've got 3 more visits to go.
Since I've started I've come quite far, and I've grown in such a way even I notice it myself. Last appointment we did an evaluation and it appeared I've improved so much that I'm actually enjoying life! (Except that winter dip, damn you!)
Living like this is actually quite good, since I can go where I want and do what I want. One thing bothering me lately however is the lack of people to talk to. I love it when I am at work, since there are a lot of people I talk to, but once I'm home it's different. I found myself checking my mail, my facebook, my deviantart and 9gag quite a lot during the day hoping someone messaged me, but unfortunately this isn't always the case. So I've been thinking of how to make new friends, but they don't come as easy when you're not going out. I mean I do go out on Saturday evenings to play pool, but that isn't exactly a place you make friends, haha. I do enjoy the time I'm being there as I play with my colleague and friend Martin as I've probably said so before.
There is something on my mind as well, and I am going to do that, however, first I've got to take care of this big thing I've been talking about earlier.
I don't have quite much to share anymore, so I'm leaving you my top 10 songs for waking up:
Number 10:
Number 9:
Number 8:
Number 7:
Number 6:
Number 5:
Number 4:
Number 3:
Number 2:
Number 1:
I hope you enjoyed the songs, and hopefully until next time!
Thanks again for reading,
Yours truly,
Mike
I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for almost about a month.
I guess I didn't have much I wanted to vent. Nonetheless I believe I owe you an update.
Life has been going slow recently. I'm working on something big and unfortunately it's taking longer than expected. This has put my life on hold until I've got some clearance on the matter.
Other than that I've been quite annoyed at the wintertime. It being dark so early makes me lose my will to do something active. So lately I've just been watching tv, series and playing some games.
I've been thinking of getting myself some vitamin D3, however I still need to phone the doctors for that.
To continue; my visits at the psychologist are almost over. I've got 3 more visits to go.
Since I've started I've come quite far, and I've grown in such a way even I notice it myself. Last appointment we did an evaluation and it appeared I've improved so much that I'm actually enjoying life! (Except that winter dip, damn you!)
Living like this is actually quite good, since I can go where I want and do what I want. One thing bothering me lately however is the lack of people to talk to. I love it when I am at work, since there are a lot of people I talk to, but once I'm home it's different. I found myself checking my mail, my facebook, my deviantart and 9gag quite a lot during the day hoping someone messaged me, but unfortunately this isn't always the case. So I've been thinking of how to make new friends, but they don't come as easy when you're not going out. I mean I do go out on Saturday evenings to play pool, but that isn't exactly a place you make friends, haha. I do enjoy the time I'm being there as I play with my colleague and friend Martin as I've probably said so before.
There is something on my mind as well, and I am going to do that, however, first I've got to take care of this big thing I've been talking about earlier.
I don't have quite much to share anymore, so I'm leaving you my top 10 songs for waking up:
Number 10:
Number 9:
Number 8:
Number 7:
Number 6:
Number 5:
Number 4:
Number 3:
Number 2:
Number 1:
I hope you enjoyed the songs, and hopefully until next time!
Thanks again for reading,
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 5 oktober 2014
October 5th 2014
Hello everyone,
Let me start of by saying that I did it! I made the goal I've set for myself!
I won't let you keep guessing what it is what I've done, I've completed my jogging round without stopping to walk! I'm so proud of myself :) Also I've lost weight again. I'm 103,2 kg now, going the right way!
I do notice a strain on my left knee now, which I've felt during the exercise as well, but I thought it was just the muscles. I mean it probably is the muscles, but still, didn't think it would still be there now. I'm going to have to let it rest for now.
So last Tuesday I was at my psychologist again. I've told her I didn't feel happy at one particular day 2 weeks ago. She explained that by using what she calls a thought schedule, you can analyse what is wrong and act accordingly. Because I am so kind I am going to write them out for you, who knows, it might just help you! First you write down these things on paper in this order:
Situation, Feeling, Thoughts, Behavior and Consequences.
You write down the situation, how you feel, how you think about it, how you've acted, or want to act. The latter makes a huge difference. While writing it all down you are able to clear your head and think straight not to make decisions you might regret! I've tried it only once at the moment, and I must say it really really helped me from sinking deeper! To continue, write down the consequences of what you did, or what is going to happen if your behavior keeps up.
This really helped me in a situation I will now tell you about. Let me start off by saying not to worry. I won't go into detail, but there are some huge changes in my life coming up, which I've only told my best friends. It's going to be a hard period, but by keeping my head clear I will manage.
I have a person who can advice me with it, I can talk to my psychologist about it, and I have someone who can help me in a future decision. All in all, the upcoming period might be rough, but I am going through this! When I'm done with that I'm 100% free and I can do whatever I want without anyone bothering me anymore. I will make a new start, and finally start writing the full story of my life, instead of releasing the books by chapter.
I am so happy about my thought schedules, because they can influence me to stay positive, something I haven't always been in the past. Something that scared people off as well. I've seen how it works for me, and I am ready for the next step in life as well. There are still some things I need to fix, some things I need to get under control, but once that's done I'm ready for dating again as well.
I'll be the person I always wanted to be. Years I've wondered who I really am, I was lost in myself, didn't dare to speak up. I've realized my value, I've realized my voice's worth. This is me.
Thank you for reading and I hope to see you soon again.
Yours truly,
Mike
Let me start of by saying that I did it! I made the goal I've set for myself!
I won't let you keep guessing what it is what I've done, I've completed my jogging round without stopping to walk! I'm so proud of myself :) Also I've lost weight again. I'm 103,2 kg now, going the right way!
I do notice a strain on my left knee now, which I've felt during the exercise as well, but I thought it was just the muscles. I mean it probably is the muscles, but still, didn't think it would still be there now. I'm going to have to let it rest for now.
So last Tuesday I was at my psychologist again. I've told her I didn't feel happy at one particular day 2 weeks ago. She explained that by using what she calls a thought schedule, you can analyse what is wrong and act accordingly. Because I am so kind I am going to write them out for you, who knows, it might just help you! First you write down these things on paper in this order:
Situation, Feeling, Thoughts, Behavior and Consequences.
You write down the situation, how you feel, how you think about it, how you've acted, or want to act. The latter makes a huge difference. While writing it all down you are able to clear your head and think straight not to make decisions you might regret! I've tried it only once at the moment, and I must say it really really helped me from sinking deeper! To continue, write down the consequences of what you did, or what is going to happen if your behavior keeps up.
This really helped me in a situation I will now tell you about. Let me start off by saying not to worry. I won't go into detail, but there are some huge changes in my life coming up, which I've only told my best friends. It's going to be a hard period, but by keeping my head clear I will manage.
I have a person who can advice me with it, I can talk to my psychologist about it, and I have someone who can help me in a future decision. All in all, the upcoming period might be rough, but I am going through this! When I'm done with that I'm 100% free and I can do whatever I want without anyone bothering me anymore. I will make a new start, and finally start writing the full story of my life, instead of releasing the books by chapter.
I am so happy about my thought schedules, because they can influence me to stay positive, something I haven't always been in the past. Something that scared people off as well. I've seen how it works for me, and I am ready for the next step in life as well. There are still some things I need to fix, some things I need to get under control, but once that's done I'm ready for dating again as well.
I'll be the person I always wanted to be. Years I've wondered who I really am, I was lost in myself, didn't dare to speak up. I've realized my value, I've realized my voice's worth. This is me.
Thank you for reading and I hope to see you soon again.
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 28 september 2014
September 28th 2014
Hello everyone,
Let me start by apologizing for my lack of updates. I've been absent for a while.
A lot has happened recently, and I just didn't feel like updating my blog. I am sorry for this, but I hope you understand.
Let me start off by a few weeks back.
I had two weeks off and my sister Lia came to visit me. We had a great time, and I was happy there was someone in the house to talk to. Not just someone, my best friend and sister!
We went to Nijmegen, played pool twice, watched a lot of netflix, cooked together, played games together, sang together in Singstar ( I love that game ) and least but not least we went out for dinner at Sushi Koi, one of my favourite restaurants. She went back home on a Thursday evening.
The next day I had to take a good rest from my schedule that changed drastically in the past week. Normally I go to sleep at 23 and wake up at 7. There were times I went to sleep 5 in the morning! So yeah..I had some trouble with that. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing bothering me.
Realizing I was all alone again in the house, and missing people around me I started to feel sad. Not just sad, but a beginning depression. Walked around with it for two days before I finally told myself to stop being silly. I am not alone. I've got people around me, just not here.
I did realize something though, when I have to cry there is no one around to give me a hug.
The next Sunday I woke up and found a message on facebook of a person who was supposed to be forgotten. Unfortunately I could never let that part go and it kept coming back haunting me over and over. So bad I even dreamt of this person. However I kept telling myself it would go away eventually. It didn't. In a way I was so happy this person messaged me. The person in question tried contacting me in the past over and over. I just tried to ignore it. However the more I've been ignoring it, the more the thought became present until it was even taking over my dreams.
Back to the subject I've answered the message and finally spoke to this person after a good 2 years. I was able to get rid off my demons, and I guess we both found our peace. It still meant we parted separate ways. This person still hurt me, and even though I've forgiven, I do not forget. Going separate ways is the best option here. I must say after this conversation I felt like this huge burden I've been walking around for 2 years is gone now. I'm a free man. A free man with choices not influenced by anyone else. A choice I've made myself, A choice that shows that I have my value as well. I used to think I was a nobody, someone whose opinion didn't count. Someone who was weak.
Not anymore. After my vacation I've realized how valuable I am. I am somebody!
When I started work on Monday I didn't feel that well still. However at the end of the day I figured out I missed my work and my colleagues. They both mean a lot to me. My work gives me structure in my life, something I really need for me to function properly in society. My colleagues are like my family to me. I am happy to have people around me. People to talk to, people who understand you. People who want the best for you. That's all of you, and I am happy you are there. This is for my colleagues.
Being back in my structured life I've been playing pool again yesterday too. Been there for 4 hours straight again! Gotta love it. However I was still kind of tired from the last week so around the end I started to get drowsy.
When I was back home Altair wanted attention so I started petting him. Until all of a sudden he started nibbling on my ear! Haha! These love bites of him certainly made me feel happy!
Now this morning I had a good jog again! I am pretty proud of myself! I've also lost the kg's I've gained during my vacation, and a little extra as well! I was 104,8 kg before my vacation, 106,2 kg during my vacation, and today I was 104,5! I'm glad it's going the right way!
Now today I will see Martin again and we're going to the area close to Airbase Terlet to shoot some photos. If we are lucky we will also see gliders! So all in all, a great day!
Oh before I forget..I've treated myself to Super Mario 3D World for the WiiU on friday, because I'm worth it (and I had money left from last month).
This is all for today!
Hopefully I see you guys soon! Have a great day!
Yours truly,
Mike
Let me start by apologizing for my lack of updates. I've been absent for a while.
A lot has happened recently, and I just didn't feel like updating my blog. I am sorry for this, but I hope you understand.
Let me start off by a few weeks back.
I had two weeks off and my sister Lia came to visit me. We had a great time, and I was happy there was someone in the house to talk to. Not just someone, my best friend and sister!
We went to Nijmegen, played pool twice, watched a lot of netflix, cooked together, played games together, sang together in Singstar ( I love that game ) and least but not least we went out for dinner at Sushi Koi, one of my favourite restaurants. She went back home on a Thursday evening.
The next day I had to take a good rest from my schedule that changed drastically in the past week. Normally I go to sleep at 23 and wake up at 7. There were times I went to sleep 5 in the morning! So yeah..I had some trouble with that. Unfortunately that wasn't the only thing bothering me.
Realizing I was all alone again in the house, and missing people around me I started to feel sad. Not just sad, but a beginning depression. Walked around with it for two days before I finally told myself to stop being silly. I am not alone. I've got people around me, just not here.
I did realize something though, when I have to cry there is no one around to give me a hug.
The next Sunday I woke up and found a message on facebook of a person who was supposed to be forgotten. Unfortunately I could never let that part go and it kept coming back haunting me over and over. So bad I even dreamt of this person. However I kept telling myself it would go away eventually. It didn't. In a way I was so happy this person messaged me. The person in question tried contacting me in the past over and over. I just tried to ignore it. However the more I've been ignoring it, the more the thought became present until it was even taking over my dreams.
Back to the subject I've answered the message and finally spoke to this person after a good 2 years. I was able to get rid off my demons, and I guess we both found our peace. It still meant we parted separate ways. This person still hurt me, and even though I've forgiven, I do not forget. Going separate ways is the best option here. I must say after this conversation I felt like this huge burden I've been walking around for 2 years is gone now. I'm a free man. A free man with choices not influenced by anyone else. A choice I've made myself, A choice that shows that I have my value as well. I used to think I was a nobody, someone whose opinion didn't count. Someone who was weak.
Not anymore. After my vacation I've realized how valuable I am. I am somebody!
When I started work on Monday I didn't feel that well still. However at the end of the day I figured out I missed my work and my colleagues. They both mean a lot to me. My work gives me structure in my life, something I really need for me to function properly in society. My colleagues are like my family to me. I am happy to have people around me. People to talk to, people who understand you. People who want the best for you. That's all of you, and I am happy you are there. This is for my colleagues.
Being back in my structured life I've been playing pool again yesterday too. Been there for 4 hours straight again! Gotta love it. However I was still kind of tired from the last week so around the end I started to get drowsy.
When I was back home Altair wanted attention so I started petting him. Until all of a sudden he started nibbling on my ear! Haha! These love bites of him certainly made me feel happy!
Now this morning I had a good jog again! I am pretty proud of myself! I've also lost the kg's I've gained during my vacation, and a little extra as well! I was 104,8 kg before my vacation, 106,2 kg during my vacation, and today I was 104,5! I'm glad it's going the right way!
Now today I will see Martin again and we're going to the area close to Airbase Terlet to shoot some photos. If we are lucky we will also see gliders! So all in all, a great day!
Oh before I forget..I've treated myself to Super Mario 3D World for the WiiU on friday, because I'm worth it (and I had money left from last month).
This is all for today!
Hopefully I see you guys soon! Have a great day!
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 7 september 2014
September 7th 2014
Hello everyone,
Today I'm skipping the cheesy greetings as I want to get straight to the point. I hope you don't mind.
The reason for this is because I am slightly annoyed at myself. You know that when you should have been yourself, but in the end did things to make others happy? Chances you let slip because it didn't satisfy the needs of someone else? I just had to reminisce about these things and can't help to be annoyed. Why have I never been the person I should have been? Life would have looked so much different. But then again, life wouldn't have given me the most important things that I've got now. So I guess that's a positive.
I've been losing weight gradually lately. A couple of months ago I was 116 Kg, now I am 104,8.
It's possible I've said this before, but I do want to add how I do this. First of all I start my day by eating oatmeal.Oatmeal is a very good source for fibers and it also known to be a cholesterol killer. You can probably find all the advantages if you just google it. Now I eat my oatmeal with milk, raisins and a spoon of honey. Furthermore I am keeping tabs on how much calories I eat a day. I don't eat more than 2000kcal. I keep tabs on this using a Dutch app called "Mijn Eetmeter". For the English speaking people the app "Calory Counter" is a good alternative. Combining this with jogging every sunday morning, doing push ups every other day and try to eat healthy, I've come a long way. I hope this can help anyone else out there who struggles with losing weight and balancing a healthy diet.
So like almost every saturday I was playing pool again with my buddy Martin, but Steve also joined, which was nice! Martin almost managed to shoot the white ball into a television that hung on the wall. Poor guy had to hear about that the rest of the evening, which brought us to the situation where there was a woman on the other table across from where Martin had to shoot the white ball. Let's just say we recommended him to wait to take the shot, haha!
On another table next to us, there were two women playing pool, as far as I could tell they were not really experienced players, I mean not that I am, but you could tell by how they took the shots. One of these women looked really nice, and had a nice smile. I've been meaning to go over and have a chat, however I didn't. Not because I am afraid of screwing up, not at all. More likely the fact of how to start a conversation out of the blue. Unfortunately having Aspergers doesn't help here, as we have trouble with small talk. So yeah, I decided to let this one slip and try to work on things to say. So any women out there, what do you like to hear if someone you don't know walks up to you for a chat?
My confidence isn't the problem here, so don't start talking about that please.
So today I've been watching Forrest Gump, finally! I've been meaning to see it for a couple of years now, but I never bothered to look for it on DVD. When it was on the television I always seem to miss it, but not today. It was on the telly today and I watched it. I must say I am really impressed! The film itself is brilliant, amazing and impressive. It left me with the same sort of feeling Rainman did, which is a good thing! So much that happens in that film, so many mixed emotions as well. For everyone who didn't see the film, I highly recommend you do, it's worth your time!
I just did a relaxation exercise, the one I've been talking about a couple of entries ago, it's called progressive relaxation. You practically tense up your muscles one by one, just to let go of all the tension in it. It feels great! Talking about relaxation I'd like to share this playlist with you. It might help you relax when you're feeling stressed. It is supposed to be a playlist, but unfortunately I don't think I can put the whole playlist on. Only one video... Nonetheless, here goes:
Today I'm skipping the cheesy greetings as I want to get straight to the point. I hope you don't mind.
The reason for this is because I am slightly annoyed at myself. You know that when you should have been yourself, but in the end did things to make others happy? Chances you let slip because it didn't satisfy the needs of someone else? I just had to reminisce about these things and can't help to be annoyed. Why have I never been the person I should have been? Life would have looked so much different. But then again, life wouldn't have given me the most important things that I've got now. So I guess that's a positive.
I've been losing weight gradually lately. A couple of months ago I was 116 Kg, now I am 104,8.
It's possible I've said this before, but I do want to add how I do this. First of all I start my day by eating oatmeal.Oatmeal is a very good source for fibers and it also known to be a cholesterol killer. You can probably find all the advantages if you just google it. Now I eat my oatmeal with milk, raisins and a spoon of honey. Furthermore I am keeping tabs on how much calories I eat a day. I don't eat more than 2000kcal. I keep tabs on this using a Dutch app called "Mijn Eetmeter". For the English speaking people the app "Calory Counter" is a good alternative. Combining this with jogging every sunday morning, doing push ups every other day and try to eat healthy, I've come a long way. I hope this can help anyone else out there who struggles with losing weight and balancing a healthy diet.
So like almost every saturday I was playing pool again with my buddy Martin, but Steve also joined, which was nice! Martin almost managed to shoot the white ball into a television that hung on the wall. Poor guy had to hear about that the rest of the evening, which brought us to the situation where there was a woman on the other table across from where Martin had to shoot the white ball. Let's just say we recommended him to wait to take the shot, haha!
On another table next to us, there were two women playing pool, as far as I could tell they were not really experienced players, I mean not that I am, but you could tell by how they took the shots. One of these women looked really nice, and had a nice smile. I've been meaning to go over and have a chat, however I didn't. Not because I am afraid of screwing up, not at all. More likely the fact of how to start a conversation out of the blue. Unfortunately having Aspergers doesn't help here, as we have trouble with small talk. So yeah, I decided to let this one slip and try to work on things to say. So any women out there, what do you like to hear if someone you don't know walks up to you for a chat?
My confidence isn't the problem here, so don't start talking about that please.
So today I've been watching Forrest Gump, finally! I've been meaning to see it for a couple of years now, but I never bothered to look for it on DVD. When it was on the television I always seem to miss it, but not today. It was on the telly today and I watched it. I must say I am really impressed! The film itself is brilliant, amazing and impressive. It left me with the same sort of feeling Rainman did, which is a good thing! So much that happens in that film, so many mixed emotions as well. For everyone who didn't see the film, I highly recommend you do, it's worth your time!
I just did a relaxation exercise, the one I've been talking about a couple of entries ago, it's called progressive relaxation. You practically tense up your muscles one by one, just to let go of all the tension in it. It feels great! Talking about relaxation I'd like to share this playlist with you. It might help you relax when you're feeling stressed. It is supposed to be a playlist, but unfortunately I don't think I can put the whole playlist on. Only one video... Nonetheless, here goes:
Tomorrow I'm going to take some blood samples to find out what my blood group is. I want this information because I'm planning to get myself some dogtags. That, and it might also come in handy when I ever get in an accident. The reason why I want dogtags, is because I've always liked them, and I just miss having something around my neck since I don't wear the necklace that I got from my ex anymore. The ring that was on it we pasted in our scrapbook on the final page, closing this chapter for both of our lives. Thinking back to this gets my eyes all watery, since it's still emotional, that little part. But hey, live goes on. Anyway, yeah, tomorrow morning I'll get the samples, and I hope to hear what blood group I have ASAP.
Now last but not least, and the best part I've saved for last. My sister is coming to visit me! You will probably go like; Sister? What? Well if you've read all my blog entries, there is one special person in my life who is always been there for me, in good times and in bad. Over the 8 years we know each other we've grown so close that we consider ourselves brother and sister. She really is the best friend I've ever had, and no one will be able to beat her being number one on my list.
Sis is coming to visit upcoming tuesday! I'm so excited about picking her up on the airport! Still so much I need to do to though! Clean the house and such aaaah. Actually I saved that part for tuesday morning, as it will be neater longer haha! Anyway yeah, Lia is visiting and I can't wait to see her again!!
Well this was about it for today! It's become such a long post, I'm wondering if I should become a writer! Hahaha. Well it's getting late already, so, got to go! Catch you on the flipside!
Yours truly,
Mike
Now last but not least, and the best part I've saved for last. My sister is coming to visit me! You will probably go like; Sister? What? Well if you've read all my blog entries, there is one special person in my life who is always been there for me, in good times and in bad. Over the 8 years we know each other we've grown so close that we consider ourselves brother and sister. She really is the best friend I've ever had, and no one will be able to beat her being number one on my list.
Sis is coming to visit upcoming tuesday! I'm so excited about picking her up on the airport! Still so much I need to do to though! Clean the house and such aaaah. Actually I saved that part for tuesday morning, as it will be neater longer haha! Anyway yeah, Lia is visiting and I can't wait to see her again!!
Well this was about it for today! It's become such a long post, I'm wondering if I should become a writer! Hahaha. Well it's getting late already, so, got to go! Catch you on the flipside!
Yours truly,
Mike
dinsdag 2 september 2014
September 2nd 2014
Hello everyone, welcome once again to this a-ma- wait for iiiiiiiit -zing blog!
Whaaaaaaaaat!
Okay enough with the bull. Today I visited my psychologist again. We practiced two role play scenarios. The first was me wanting her to leave "my house". First one was spot on and the discussion was won by me.
The second however was a more difficult approach. Everyone has a personal space around themselves you'd rather someone not step into -- too close to you. I found it hard to tell a person not to, resulting in me stepping backwards. This was very confronting as it reflects on my personality.
This means my boundary is high, perhaps too high. Often resulting in doing something against my will. I will need to work on this. The woman explained that if I step up a little bit it might seem as being rude, but she said for my standard I wouldn't even reach the average and people would still consider that normal.
It was a very interesting and confronting session which showed me a side of me I didn't know existed, or rather I knew, but I never knew it was like this.
It is okay to step up, it really is. So what if people will get disappointed? So what if people get angry? At least you didn't mess yourself up over it. This is the way I should be thinking sometimes, which, in fact I still find hard to do. I hope in future sessions I get the opportunity to practice more.
I would also like to take the opportunity to thank my psychologist Suzanne for the excellent work she does.
She has a certain way of helping her patients, to me it looks like she takes just that little extra step to make sure everything she does is done close to perfect. She has taught me a lot and together we came a whole way. Personally I still have a long way to go but with her being there to support me, it gives me the energy and the will to continue, as her practice makes it all worthwhile. It is always nice to see her, she is the kind of person that makes your day a bit brighter. Combining that with her way of treating her patients it is more blessing than curse to visit her. Not that it ever was a curse, not at all. Just saying that in the sense of proverb. Suzanne, you are doing a great job, and I hope you will go far the path you follow. You have a great personality, and when you combine that with the job you do, I just can't see it go wrong.
I don't think you will ever read this, but here's to you.
Last but not least I want to talk about tea. Tea? Yes, tea. Last weekend I was in the supermarket and found this tea that had a tiger on the package. I love tigers, so I decided to give the ingredients a read. Cinnamon? What the hell..I don't like cinnamon. There were some other herbs in it as well. Clove for example. Everything combined with a hint of vanilla -- that's the magic word! I decided to give it a try. The smell of cinnamon was strong, and as I said, I don't like cinnamon... I poured water in the cup, let it rest for a while. Added milk and sugar, took a zip, and wow...this warmth! The taste of cinnamon is clearly there, but for some reason I ...like it. I absolutely like it. As a matter of fact I am drinking it right now! It's so soothing and warm. You know how tiger balm smells? That is exactly how this tea tastes.
I think I've pretty much said all I wanted for today!
Hopefully I see you again next time! Take care of yourselves and see you soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
Whaaaaaaaaat!
Okay enough with the bull. Today I visited my psychologist again. We practiced two role play scenarios. The first was me wanting her to leave "my house". First one was spot on and the discussion was won by me.
The second however was a more difficult approach. Everyone has a personal space around themselves you'd rather someone not step into -- too close to you. I found it hard to tell a person not to, resulting in me stepping backwards. This was very confronting as it reflects on my personality.
This means my boundary is high, perhaps too high. Often resulting in doing something against my will. I will need to work on this. The woman explained that if I step up a little bit it might seem as being rude, but she said for my standard I wouldn't even reach the average and people would still consider that normal.
It was a very interesting and confronting session which showed me a side of me I didn't know existed, or rather I knew, but I never knew it was like this.
It is okay to step up, it really is. So what if people will get disappointed? So what if people get angry? At least you didn't mess yourself up over it. This is the way I should be thinking sometimes, which, in fact I still find hard to do. I hope in future sessions I get the opportunity to practice more.
I would also like to take the opportunity to thank my psychologist Suzanne for the excellent work she does.
She has a certain way of helping her patients, to me it looks like she takes just that little extra step to make sure everything she does is done close to perfect. She has taught me a lot and together we came a whole way. Personally I still have a long way to go but with her being there to support me, it gives me the energy and the will to continue, as her practice makes it all worthwhile. It is always nice to see her, she is the kind of person that makes your day a bit brighter. Combining that with her way of treating her patients it is more blessing than curse to visit her. Not that it ever was a curse, not at all. Just saying that in the sense of proverb. Suzanne, you are doing a great job, and I hope you will go far the path you follow. You have a great personality, and when you combine that with the job you do, I just can't see it go wrong.
I don't think you will ever read this, but here's to you.
Last but not least I want to talk about tea. Tea? Yes, tea. Last weekend I was in the supermarket and found this tea that had a tiger on the package. I love tigers, so I decided to give the ingredients a read. Cinnamon? What the hell..I don't like cinnamon. There were some other herbs in it as well. Clove for example. Everything combined with a hint of vanilla -- that's the magic word! I decided to give it a try. The smell of cinnamon was strong, and as I said, I don't like cinnamon... I poured water in the cup, let it rest for a while. Added milk and sugar, took a zip, and wow...this warmth! The taste of cinnamon is clearly there, but for some reason I ...like it. I absolutely like it. As a matter of fact I am drinking it right now! It's so soothing and warm. You know how tiger balm smells? That is exactly how this tea tastes.
I think I've pretty much said all I wanted for today!
Hopefully I see you again next time! Take care of yourselves and see you soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
donderdag 28 augustus 2014
August 28th 2014
Hey everyone,
Today I started noticing my concentration is lower than it was before. I noticed in traffic first, slow reaction...didn't see things. I noticed while playing Battlefield 4 earlier. I am not as sharp as I used to be. Must be because I am tired. Thinking back with what I wrote yesterday...it all makes sense.
What makes sense? I'm going to tell you.
Lately I am having trouble sleeping. I am not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid there is someone or something lurking at me from the shadows. I am afraid I might wake up facing an intruder in my bedroom. Reading all these articles about robberies when the robbers stand in your bedroom having you at gunpoint doesn't exactly help either. I know it is mostly a play in my head which is going sour, but still, the thought of something watching me keeps me up at night. Try to be alert, try to be able to handle accordingly, going over to action immediately. Unfortunately this has an impact on my night's rest. I don't sleep as well.
Now there are a few things which I have done and/or am doing to make me feel safer, I mean I lock the door, I put the safety stop on it as well.. I have a LED board which I turn on every now and then. I have glow sticks which I place in the room. I have a stuffed turtle with lights in his shield which project stars on the ceiling. Apart from Turtle being that cool turtle, it helps me sleep at night for a bit. I am surrounded by things to use as weapons as well. Still...I am having trouble sleeping.
The reason behind this is, or at least I'm 90% sure it is, is because I never lived on my own. I had my parents living in my house, after that I moved in with my ex. So I have never truly been alone. I remember when my ex went away for a couple of days I experienced that same feeling. Now I am all alone in the house which worries me a bit.
I am going to discuss this issue with my psychologist upcoming Tuesday, see if she has any tips for me.
Right now this is all I wanted to talk about. If more comes to mind I'll let you know.
Hang in there everybody! Catch you on the flipside.
Yours truly,
Mike
Today I started noticing my concentration is lower than it was before. I noticed in traffic first, slow reaction...didn't see things. I noticed while playing Battlefield 4 earlier. I am not as sharp as I used to be. Must be because I am tired. Thinking back with what I wrote yesterday...it all makes sense.
What makes sense? I'm going to tell you.
Lately I am having trouble sleeping. I am not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid there is someone or something lurking at me from the shadows. I am afraid I might wake up facing an intruder in my bedroom. Reading all these articles about robberies when the robbers stand in your bedroom having you at gunpoint doesn't exactly help either. I know it is mostly a play in my head which is going sour, but still, the thought of something watching me keeps me up at night. Try to be alert, try to be able to handle accordingly, going over to action immediately. Unfortunately this has an impact on my night's rest. I don't sleep as well.
Now there are a few things which I have done and/or am doing to make me feel safer, I mean I lock the door, I put the safety stop on it as well.. I have a LED board which I turn on every now and then. I have glow sticks which I place in the room. I have a stuffed turtle with lights in his shield which project stars on the ceiling. Apart from Turtle being that cool turtle, it helps me sleep at night for a bit. I am surrounded by things to use as weapons as well. Still...I am having trouble sleeping.
The reason behind this is, or at least I'm 90% sure it is, is because I never lived on my own. I had my parents living in my house, after that I moved in with my ex. So I have never truly been alone. I remember when my ex went away for a couple of days I experienced that same feeling. Now I am all alone in the house which worries me a bit.
I am going to discuss this issue with my psychologist upcoming Tuesday, see if she has any tips for me.
Right now this is all I wanted to talk about. If more comes to mind I'll let you know.
Hang in there everybody! Catch you on the flipside.
Yours truly,
Mike
woensdag 27 augustus 2014
August 27th 2014
Hello everyone.
Do you have those moments that everything starts to lose its colour? Things around you slowly turning black and white? I am having one of those moments right now and it is really odd. As if I am watching a colour film on a tv which is getting too old to actively show colours on the screen. Odd I tell you.
My vision is also a bit blurry, I wonder what's the cause. It happened just now. Everything is turning and moving...like watching an optical illusion. I believe it is fairly harmless but I do find it odd in a way, making me wonder what the cause could be.
Might be the light, might be stress, might be my eyes getting tired. Maybe I should go to sleep early today. I think I will.
Other than that not much going on I think. I just finished reading "Let the devil sleep" a mastermind thriller novel by John Verdon and the third in the protagonist's Dave Gurney series. The other two are: "Think of a number" and "Shut your eyes tight". I would love to get my hands on the fourth of the series; "Peter Pan must die", however unfortunately it is only available in hardcover while I wish to have the paperback. Why? Because I own all the other books in paperback as well. I suggest that if you are into crime thrillers you give the series a read! They are powerful, well-written and can keep you reading for hours, a habit that was far beyond reach ever since I left primary school. I mean I loved to read as a kid, did do that a lot. Visited the library weekly back then. Somehow at some point I stopped reading. Thing is, I can't read everything anymore, it has to be written in a certain style...a style so catchy you'd want to keep reading.
I have found out that I can find that specific feature in English books, so I try to read things in English as much as I can. I mean ever since a kid I was interested in English. Actually, my English is better than my mother language even if I say so myself. I like to think this is the truth. I understand English better, sometimes I find myself wondering what the Dutch word is for the English word I've got in mind in the situation I find myself in. I even think in English...odd isn't it?
Talking about a certain way of thinking...I often find myself thinking in film-noir style as well, like some kind of Bogart, hah! It certainly has it's funny moments the way I picture it in my own mind. Considering I am a big fan of anything detective.... Film-noir and detective? Golden combination if you ask me.
I suppose I have bored you enough with my rather unusual way of thinking, but I hope it brings a little light on the person that is me. Thank you for your time and catch you around next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
Do you have those moments that everything starts to lose its colour? Things around you slowly turning black and white? I am having one of those moments right now and it is really odd. As if I am watching a colour film on a tv which is getting too old to actively show colours on the screen. Odd I tell you.
My vision is also a bit blurry, I wonder what's the cause. It happened just now. Everything is turning and moving...like watching an optical illusion. I believe it is fairly harmless but I do find it odd in a way, making me wonder what the cause could be.
Might be the light, might be stress, might be my eyes getting tired. Maybe I should go to sleep early today. I think I will.
Other than that not much going on I think. I just finished reading "Let the devil sleep" a mastermind thriller novel by John Verdon and the third in the protagonist's Dave Gurney series. The other two are: "Think of a number" and "Shut your eyes tight". I would love to get my hands on the fourth of the series; "Peter Pan must die", however unfortunately it is only available in hardcover while I wish to have the paperback. Why? Because I own all the other books in paperback as well. I suggest that if you are into crime thrillers you give the series a read! They are powerful, well-written and can keep you reading for hours, a habit that was far beyond reach ever since I left primary school. I mean I loved to read as a kid, did do that a lot. Visited the library weekly back then. Somehow at some point I stopped reading. Thing is, I can't read everything anymore, it has to be written in a certain style...a style so catchy you'd want to keep reading.
I have found out that I can find that specific feature in English books, so I try to read things in English as much as I can. I mean ever since a kid I was interested in English. Actually, my English is better than my mother language even if I say so myself. I like to think this is the truth. I understand English better, sometimes I find myself wondering what the Dutch word is for the English word I've got in mind in the situation I find myself in. I even think in English...odd isn't it?
Talking about a certain way of thinking...I often find myself thinking in film-noir style as well, like some kind of Bogart, hah! It certainly has it's funny moments the way I picture it in my own mind. Considering I am a big fan of anything detective.... Film-noir and detective? Golden combination if you ask me.
I suppose I have bored you enough with my rather unusual way of thinking, but I hope it brings a little light on the person that is me. Thank you for your time and catch you around next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 24 augustus 2014
August 24th 2014
Good day everyone!
The last couple of days has been good for me, I took a day off like I said in an earlier post and for the first time in my life it felt good to spend time on myself. Reflecting back on that I think I really needed that one day.
Yesterday I went out to play pool with my friend Martin again. This time I won 8 to 7 in comparison to my lose last time by 9 to 4. It was a great evening and we stayed for about 5 hours. This caught the attention of some waitresses who were particularly interested in Martin. Like a good Bro of course I vouched for him!
Besides small talk isn't exactly an asperger's greatest trait.
Getting home past midnight and not being tired was a bit weird...It was too late to do anything or rather I didn't want to make too much noise that would wake up my neighbours. I have been hanging on the sofa petting the cats until I decided to hit the sack around 1 A.M.
I woke up realizing it was probably before 7 A.M. I didn't want to watch my alarm clock, because if I look at it I can't fall asleep again. Let me rephrase that, if I wake up in the morning, I can't fall asleep again. So of course I did what I always did. I got up. This was around 6:30 A.M.
I immediately dressed up for jogging and went on my way. I noticed that by controlling your breathing and stretching twice I could hold on longer before my legs start to hurt. Concentrating on my breathing also helped. I didn't stop to walk as much as I did last week, which is a huge accomplishment for me. At least I don't have the idea I'm not improving. Nothing feels as bad as trying hard, but not getting an inch further.
But I did it and I am pretty proud of myself!
The best part is yet to come however!
The area where I am jogging is full with bunnies. Now if you know me I really love bunnies. I wouldn't say they are my favourite animal, but I really love them! They are so cute. So I was jogging and I expected to see one or two. I did at first, but then I reached a part, and it looked like a whole army!!!
It was so much fun to see! At least 10 bunnies hopped away! Haha amazing! A while further on the trail I even saw a baby bunny! Amazing!!!!
Other than that I am editing a Battlefield 4 video I shot 3 days ago while playing. Expect it to be on youtube soon! Talking of which, I recruited some new members for the platoon I have; Howlin Mad.
Really nice people and exactly what I am looking for in a player. Someone who plays for fun, and wants to play with friends. Had a great time playing earlier today too with my old buddies, and with the new.
I'm going to close this entry now, because I don't feel too well. A bit light in the head and the feeling I have to vomit because you just spun around. Just gonna lie down for a moment.
Thanks for reading again, and hopefully until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
The last couple of days has been good for me, I took a day off like I said in an earlier post and for the first time in my life it felt good to spend time on myself. Reflecting back on that I think I really needed that one day.
Yesterday I went out to play pool with my friend Martin again. This time I won 8 to 7 in comparison to my lose last time by 9 to 4. It was a great evening and we stayed for about 5 hours. This caught the attention of some waitresses who were particularly interested in Martin. Like a good Bro of course I vouched for him!
Besides small talk isn't exactly an asperger's greatest trait.
Getting home past midnight and not being tired was a bit weird...It was too late to do anything or rather I didn't want to make too much noise that would wake up my neighbours. I have been hanging on the sofa petting the cats until I decided to hit the sack around 1 A.M.
I woke up realizing it was probably before 7 A.M. I didn't want to watch my alarm clock, because if I look at it I can't fall asleep again. Let me rephrase that, if I wake up in the morning, I can't fall asleep again. So of course I did what I always did. I got up. This was around 6:30 A.M.
I immediately dressed up for jogging and went on my way. I noticed that by controlling your breathing and stretching twice I could hold on longer before my legs start to hurt. Concentrating on my breathing also helped. I didn't stop to walk as much as I did last week, which is a huge accomplishment for me. At least I don't have the idea I'm not improving. Nothing feels as bad as trying hard, but not getting an inch further.
But I did it and I am pretty proud of myself!
The best part is yet to come however!
The area where I am jogging is full with bunnies. Now if you know me I really love bunnies. I wouldn't say they are my favourite animal, but I really love them! They are so cute. So I was jogging and I expected to see one or two. I did at first, but then I reached a part, and it looked like a whole army!!!
It was so much fun to see! At least 10 bunnies hopped away! Haha amazing! A while further on the trail I even saw a baby bunny! Amazing!!!!
Other than that I am editing a Battlefield 4 video I shot 3 days ago while playing. Expect it to be on youtube soon! Talking of which, I recruited some new members for the platoon I have; Howlin Mad.
Really nice people and exactly what I am looking for in a player. Someone who plays for fun, and wants to play with friends. Had a great time playing earlier today too with my old buddies, and with the new.
I'm going to close this entry now, because I don't feel too well. A bit light in the head and the feeling I have to vomit because you just spun around. Just gonna lie down for a moment.
Thanks for reading again, and hopefully until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
vrijdag 22 augustus 2014
August 22nd 2014
Hello everyone!
So today I took a day off for my personal pleasure. Too many times I only took time off to take care of things, or for others only. Today is my day.
I am going out with my camera to shoot some photos in the nature. Something I absolutely love to do. I started today with some push-us, something I have been doing ever since my life changed about a month ago. Not doing it daily, but I skip a day.
I turned the radio on and made breakfast. A cheese-grilled sandwich with a spoon of tomato ketchup. Jasmine-strawberry tea with honey to wash it away. I am the type of guy who drinks his tea sweetened and with milk. I was supposed to do groceries yesterday but I fell asleep. When I was having breakfast this song came on the radio; I believe it is called: "Waiting for a star to fall". It was requested by a guy who celebrated his 5th anniversary of marriage today. I found myself reminiscing of the past and what could have been if I took a different path in life. Am I waiting for a star to fall as well? Now I know thinking too much about this things usually ends up in me getting depressed, so I quickly shut down this train of thoughts. I promised myself this would be a good day. I packed my bag and went on my way, into nature.
So I walked around and made some photos, but not as much as I expected to do. However I was away for a good two hours walking into nature. Walking around that early in the morning with almost no one around was soothing. So quiet, only the rustling of the wind through the leaves, the scent of the forest, makes a man find inner peace.
After that I went into the center and treated myself to a copy of Kingdom Hearts 1,5 HD remix. A game that she took with her when she left. After that I did some groceries, treated myself to some chocolate and got some stuff that will help me through the weekend.
When I got home I took a nice hot shower and did something I always do when I feel the need some guidance. I sat down and started meditating. The sound of the water, and the nice feeling of the warmth definitely helps achieving a state of inner peace as well. You see, I believe in things like this. I believe it helps.
I've seen him before, a man, that looks like me only 10 years older. A much wiser me perhaps? Everytime I saw him I asked what I should do with my life. What paths I should take, if I should go left or right.
This time he told me that a man walks his path in life, and he will always walk it alone. Sometimes people's paths cross, you walk together for a while, and then the paths split. It's life. Sometimes paths combine, and you walk them together. What we must not forget is, even if you walk a path together, there are still two paths, you continue to walk yours, for that is your life. Living your life for someone else is not worth it. Living life together with someone is. What he meant to say is, you will only be happy if you follow your own path in life, not someone else's. Unfortunately sometimes it means goodbye, but sometimes it means more joy.
I ask all of you to think about your life for a second. Do you life it for yourself? If not why not?
It is your life, living someone else's will never make you happy. I love helping people however, don't get me wrong. Just don't put others before yourself too much. Sometimes doing so gives you friends, most of the time it gives you profiteers. Do not change yourself for someone else either, I did too much in my life.
Starting today I will stand my ground. My life, my opinion, my view. It is okay to say no sometimes.
That is what my psychologist told me Tuesday.
Last but not least, I would like to thank Lia, my best friend and the best sister a person could have for always being there for me and just being an awesome and funny friend to hang out with. Here's to you sis!
Thank you for your time again! Hang in there, and see you again soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
So today I took a day off for my personal pleasure. Too many times I only took time off to take care of things, or for others only. Today is my day.
I am going out with my camera to shoot some photos in the nature. Something I absolutely love to do. I started today with some push-us, something I have been doing ever since my life changed about a month ago. Not doing it daily, but I skip a day.
I turned the radio on and made breakfast. A cheese-grilled sandwich with a spoon of tomato ketchup. Jasmine-strawberry tea with honey to wash it away. I am the type of guy who drinks his tea sweetened and with milk. I was supposed to do groceries yesterday but I fell asleep. When I was having breakfast this song came on the radio; I believe it is called: "Waiting for a star to fall". It was requested by a guy who celebrated his 5th anniversary of marriage today. I found myself reminiscing of the past and what could have been if I took a different path in life. Am I waiting for a star to fall as well? Now I know thinking too much about this things usually ends up in me getting depressed, so I quickly shut down this train of thoughts. I promised myself this would be a good day. I packed my bag and went on my way, into nature.
So I walked around and made some photos, but not as much as I expected to do. However I was away for a good two hours walking into nature. Walking around that early in the morning with almost no one around was soothing. So quiet, only the rustling of the wind through the leaves, the scent of the forest, makes a man find inner peace.
After that I went into the center and treated myself to a copy of Kingdom Hearts 1,5 HD remix. A game that she took with her when she left. After that I did some groceries, treated myself to some chocolate and got some stuff that will help me through the weekend.
When I got home I took a nice hot shower and did something I always do when I feel the need some guidance. I sat down and started meditating. The sound of the water, and the nice feeling of the warmth definitely helps achieving a state of inner peace as well. You see, I believe in things like this. I believe it helps.
I've seen him before, a man, that looks like me only 10 years older. A much wiser me perhaps? Everytime I saw him I asked what I should do with my life. What paths I should take, if I should go left or right.
This time he told me that a man walks his path in life, and he will always walk it alone. Sometimes people's paths cross, you walk together for a while, and then the paths split. It's life. Sometimes paths combine, and you walk them together. What we must not forget is, even if you walk a path together, there are still two paths, you continue to walk yours, for that is your life. Living your life for someone else is not worth it. Living life together with someone is. What he meant to say is, you will only be happy if you follow your own path in life, not someone else's. Unfortunately sometimes it means goodbye, but sometimes it means more joy.
I ask all of you to think about your life for a second. Do you life it for yourself? If not why not?
It is your life, living someone else's will never make you happy. I love helping people however, don't get me wrong. Just don't put others before yourself too much. Sometimes doing so gives you friends, most of the time it gives you profiteers. Do not change yourself for someone else either, I did too much in my life.
Starting today I will stand my ground. My life, my opinion, my view. It is okay to say no sometimes.
That is what my psychologist told me Tuesday.
Last but not least, I would like to thank Lia, my best friend and the best sister a person could have for always being there for me and just being an awesome and funny friend to hang out with. Here's to you sis!
Thank you for your time again! Hang in there, and see you again soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
woensdag 20 augustus 2014
August 20th 2014
Helloooooo nurse!! (Animaniacs! )
Welcome again in the eccentric world that is my own! Today I am going to explain to you why this blog is called "Angrycam". It's a heck of a story that includes espionage and deceiving, inventions and gadgets, and probably a whole load of crap! Hahaha.
True story is, I collect(ed) stuffed animals. On my bedroom I have a bookshelf full with stuffed animals.
Back in the day when me and my ex were still together every single one of them had an own story, an own profession. For example I have this big tiger called Emilio my brother once gave me when I was ill. He used to be called doctor Emilio sometimes because of this. Later we decided that he owns a bar and has a first-aid diploma. The bar is called Emilio's Bar, see the logo below!
Welcome again in the eccentric world that is my own! Today I am going to explain to you why this blog is called "Angrycam". It's a heck of a story that includes espionage and deceiving, inventions and gadgets, and probably a whole load of crap! Hahaha.
True story is, I collect(ed) stuffed animals. On my bedroom I have a bookshelf full with stuffed animals.
Back in the day when me and my ex were still together every single one of them had an own story, an own profession. For example I have this big tiger called Emilio my brother once gave me when I was ill. He used to be called doctor Emilio sometimes because of this. Later we decided that he owns a bar and has a first-aid diploma. The bar is called Emilio's Bar, see the logo below!
Many animals like Emilio have their own name and story. This brings us to the collection of stuffed Angry Birds! Much like the penguins of Madagascar they are spies, and are responsible for my well being. Following me around with a camera they made. The camera can fly around to check on me all day long. We named this camera: The Angrycam!
So now you guys know the story behind the name of this blog. The name is a reflection of the camera, checking on my well-being. This is what I am doing here, telling you, my family, my friends, the world, about my well-being. To tell the world my story. That is the whole idea behind it.
I certainly hope it brings you clarity, and I hope you enjoy the story too. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask them! If you get an answer is a second. ;)
Take care guys and lassies, and see you again next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
(Ps: I have a t-shirt with the Emilio's Bar logo on it! Whaaaaaat)
So now you guys know the story behind the name of this blog. The name is a reflection of the camera, checking on my well-being. This is what I am doing here, telling you, my family, my friends, the world, about my well-being. To tell the world my story. That is the whole idea behind it.
I certainly hope it brings you clarity, and I hope you enjoy the story too. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask them! If you get an answer is a second. ;)
Take care guys and lassies, and see you again next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
(Ps: I have a t-shirt with the Emilio's Bar logo on it! Whaaaaaat)
zondag 17 augustus 2014
August 17th 2014
Hello everyone!
He's back! This time will be a little different because I want to talk about vanilla!
I love vanilla, the scent, the taste... actually anything vanilla calms me!
This morning I drank vanilla tea, of course with milk and sugar, which is really me. At the moment I have a vanilla incense stick burning. I even have a vanilla shower gel, whaaaaat!
Yeah I love vanilla! Vanilla is soothing, sweet without being too sweet...just perfect!
When I was younger I would buy vanilla milkshakes at different restaurants, just to see where I could get the best. At that time Mc Donalds won the contest. I am not a fan of Mc at all! In fact, I am pro Burger King, but when it comes to ice cream and milkshakes Mc is far beyond BK.
Yesterday I went out with one of my best friends; Martin. We played pool for 4 hours straight. Lost 9 to 4 though, but it was a good laugh and a great time! Still have a bit pain in my shoulders, but the reason could also be jogging. I go jogging every sunday morning. When I jog I tend to tense up my muscles, particular in my shoulder. Every now and then I tell myself to relax, but after a while I find myself tensing them up again. It is not such a big deal, I mean I can handle it, but yeah just a bit annoying really.
Today I'll probably fill my time working on my latest artwork. I believe I spoke of it in one of my previous posts; I am remaking my, what I call the season goddesses. ( If you are interested check out my DeviantArt. Currently I am working on summer, a preview of that you can find on my facebook. It is a photo actually! I was just colouring and Altaïr, one of my three cats jumped on my desk. You can find the photo here. I must say I really enjoy drawing and colouring again, just like I used to back in the days.
I am starting to get used to being alone now too. As long as I have something to do and my weekends planned full (which was the advice my psychologist gave me). The one problem is when I start thinking about my life. I will start to wonder what will become of me in the future. Will I be happy? Will it go downwards? Soon I find myself lost in thoughts which will eventually lead to depression. Before that happens I stop thinking about them, but it certainly doesn't make me happy though. Like I said as long as I keep busy I'm good and happy!
What I'm going to do more today is rip some cd's. I have a collection of new age music which I play on my alarm clock with cd player when I go to sleep in the weekends. Think about the sound of rain, meditation music, relaxing music, etc. I really love those CD's and if you want to know, they are one of my most prized possessions. I also play them when I am drawing sometimes! It's really relaxing! Even if you are not into that stuff it could help you relax. It sure does for me. Anyway yeah, so I am going to rip them to my pc. I already ripped some, but not everything yet.
Later today I will probably do some groceries, if I am not too lazy to get out. Might also do tomorrow as I start work one hour earlier. I'll see how I feel later.
Anyway, I'm off to ripping cd's and working on my artwork!
Once again thank you for your time and I hope to see you again soon!
Hang in there, I will too!
Yours truly,
Mike
He's back! This time will be a little different because I want to talk about vanilla!
I love vanilla, the scent, the taste... actually anything vanilla calms me!
This morning I drank vanilla tea, of course with milk and sugar, which is really me. At the moment I have a vanilla incense stick burning. I even have a vanilla shower gel, whaaaaat!
Yeah I love vanilla! Vanilla is soothing, sweet without being too sweet...just perfect!
When I was younger I would buy vanilla milkshakes at different restaurants, just to see where I could get the best. At that time Mc Donalds won the contest. I am not a fan of Mc at all! In fact, I am pro Burger King, but when it comes to ice cream and milkshakes Mc is far beyond BK.
Yesterday I went out with one of my best friends; Martin. We played pool for 4 hours straight. Lost 9 to 4 though, but it was a good laugh and a great time! Still have a bit pain in my shoulders, but the reason could also be jogging. I go jogging every sunday morning. When I jog I tend to tense up my muscles, particular in my shoulder. Every now and then I tell myself to relax, but after a while I find myself tensing them up again. It is not such a big deal, I mean I can handle it, but yeah just a bit annoying really.
Today I'll probably fill my time working on my latest artwork. I believe I spoke of it in one of my previous posts; I am remaking my, what I call the season goddesses. ( If you are interested check out my DeviantArt. Currently I am working on summer, a preview of that you can find on my facebook. It is a photo actually! I was just colouring and Altaïr, one of my three cats jumped on my desk. You can find the photo here. I must say I really enjoy drawing and colouring again, just like I used to back in the days.
I am starting to get used to being alone now too. As long as I have something to do and my weekends planned full (which was the advice my psychologist gave me). The one problem is when I start thinking about my life. I will start to wonder what will become of me in the future. Will I be happy? Will it go downwards? Soon I find myself lost in thoughts which will eventually lead to depression. Before that happens I stop thinking about them, but it certainly doesn't make me happy though. Like I said as long as I keep busy I'm good and happy!
What I'm going to do more today is rip some cd's. I have a collection of new age music which I play on my alarm clock with cd player when I go to sleep in the weekends. Think about the sound of rain, meditation music, relaxing music, etc. I really love those CD's and if you want to know, they are one of my most prized possessions. I also play them when I am drawing sometimes! It's really relaxing! Even if you are not into that stuff it could help you relax. It sure does for me. Anyway yeah, so I am going to rip them to my pc. I already ripped some, but not everything yet.
Later today I will probably do some groceries, if I am not too lazy to get out. Might also do tomorrow as I start work one hour earlier. I'll see how I feel later.
Anyway, I'm off to ripping cd's and working on my artwork!
Once again thank you for your time and I hope to see you again soon!
Hang in there, I will too!
Yours truly,
Mike
woensdag 13 augustus 2014
August 13th 2014
Hello everyone.
Didn't really plan on writing anything today, yet I found myself drawn to my blog to write something. Anything. So here it is!
Even though I don't really know what to write I think this will become a decent read anyway.
I feel better since yesterday to be honest. The first step to get better is to acknowledge and accept. I think I passed these two steps already. I know what I am doing and how I am doing. Keeping up this positive attitude will only help me get one step further to feel better!
So yeah, recently I made myself a new DeviantArt page. I used to be there under two other screen names which I will not list here because of privacy reasons.
If you are interested however you are free to follow me at my DeviantArt.
Autumn is coming soon and since many of you know I am absolutely in love with the season. The rains, the colored leaves, just the whole atmosphere of autumn touches me. Back on subject however, I once made some nice art of what I call the seasons' goddesses. Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer.
I have uploaded these old art pieces to my DeviantArt with the plan of recreating them with what I have learned so far. It will be a fun project, even more fun than when I did the original ones maybe 5 - 6 years ago! Stay tuned on my DevArt page if you are curious enough to see the result!
I still find it hard to do anything in the house that doesn't involve the computer. The reason for this? Social interaction. So I took my clipboard with some A4 paper and I will start drawing here! In a way it's a solution. I will need to learn to do stuff on my own as well, but if I can be honest that is really, really hard for me at the moment.
Have I already told you that I started jogging again? I'm also rationing my food and I work out once a week. I am doing this to become healthier and look better, just like I did 5 years ago. I don't want to become 40 and be weak enough not to be able to do anything anymore. For my health and maybe even self confidence this is a good thing!
I can't wait until I have vacation in November. It will be autumn then, and I will go out with my camera to take photos of pretty autumn sights! I will upload some of them here if there is anyone interested!
I guess I've pretty much said all I wanted to say. Once again thank you for your time and until next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
Didn't really plan on writing anything today, yet I found myself drawn to my blog to write something. Anything. So here it is!
Even though I don't really know what to write I think this will become a decent read anyway.
I feel better since yesterday to be honest. The first step to get better is to acknowledge and accept. I think I passed these two steps already. I know what I am doing and how I am doing. Keeping up this positive attitude will only help me get one step further to feel better!
So yeah, recently I made myself a new DeviantArt page. I used to be there under two other screen names which I will not list here because of privacy reasons.
If you are interested however you are free to follow me at my DeviantArt.
Autumn is coming soon and since many of you know I am absolutely in love with the season. The rains, the colored leaves, just the whole atmosphere of autumn touches me. Back on subject however, I once made some nice art of what I call the seasons' goddesses. Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer.
I have uploaded these old art pieces to my DeviantArt with the plan of recreating them with what I have learned so far. It will be a fun project, even more fun than when I did the original ones maybe 5 - 6 years ago! Stay tuned on my DevArt page if you are curious enough to see the result!
I still find it hard to do anything in the house that doesn't involve the computer. The reason for this? Social interaction. So I took my clipboard with some A4 paper and I will start drawing here! In a way it's a solution. I will need to learn to do stuff on my own as well, but if I can be honest that is really, really hard for me at the moment.
Have I already told you that I started jogging again? I'm also rationing my food and I work out once a week. I am doing this to become healthier and look better, just like I did 5 years ago. I don't want to become 40 and be weak enough not to be able to do anything anymore. For my health and maybe even self confidence this is a good thing!
I can't wait until I have vacation in November. It will be autumn then, and I will go out with my camera to take photos of pretty autumn sights! I will upload some of them here if there is anyone interested!
I guess I've pretty much said all I wanted to say. Once again thank you for your time and until next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
dinsdag 12 augustus 2014
August 12th 2014
Hello everyone.
Back so soon? Yeah, but if it is unfortunate or fortunate I leave entirely up to you. This is an exhaust valve for me after all so that I don't walk around with it for too long, whether it is good or bad. I leave it up to you to decide how I am doing after you read this. I will probably feel better after letting it all out. Luckily for me there are many who understand and even read this. I thank you for that. Thanks for being there.
Recently I've been telling how I am doing and coping with the situation surrounding me. I keep telling myself I am okay and feel better. I've come to realize I just keep telling me that. It is all an act.
I once read that if you act like something you will become something, so I am hoping for the best here.
Lately I've been making a lot of noise (at work mostly), mainly to show my presence, or maybe to get attention? I try to make much noise and act all hyperactive, but is this not to hide how I really feel?
I do feel hyperactive at the time. When I am among people I feel good.
When I get home it's a different story. When I enter the door I take off the mask and hang it up the coat rack. I leave it there until I go out again. Is it a mask really? Or is it just who I am?
I keep wondering to myself: Who are you fooling? But am I really fooling myself? I don't feel good when I am alone. You see, that's the thing; when I am alone!
Of course deep inside I know I am not really alone, however I do miss people around me. I've come to realize that having people around me is worth more than all the gold in the world can buy.
Lately I've been talking about how much I started to love the radio. I do love the radio, and the music, but have you really listened to music? By listening I mean, every word that is spoken, did you feel the feeling the artist meant? I've been listening to music recently.
When you truly listen to music you start hearing the songs in a very different point of view. I would listen to the songs and came to realize every song says something about the person that is you. If it is your current situation, your life goal, your love life. How much I love music, sometimes truly listening to music hurts. You get confronted with the facts that lay before you. However songs also have the power to keep you going!
Think of professional athletes, or sports in general. Sometimes a song can make your blood pump faster and you will actually achieve the goal you couldn't reach before. Funny isn't it? Music being a reflection of your soul? All in all, I love music, I truly do!
Thing here is...I am not quite sure if I am okay at the moment. I might be, but sometimes my thoughts just run their own way. When I don't do that too much I'll probably be fine. I mean I might say that right now, but sometimes I even wonder if I'll ever be fine. It's hard at the moment. I will continue believing that I am okay, and eventually I'll get there.
Let's be honest here...I'll get there, but not without the help of all of you that have supported me in the past and still continue to do so.
Here is to my family, old friends, and the new.
Cheers!
Yours truly,
Mike
Back so soon? Yeah, but if it is unfortunate or fortunate I leave entirely up to you. This is an exhaust valve for me after all so that I don't walk around with it for too long, whether it is good or bad. I leave it up to you to decide how I am doing after you read this. I will probably feel better after letting it all out. Luckily for me there are many who understand and even read this. I thank you for that. Thanks for being there.
Recently I've been telling how I am doing and coping with the situation surrounding me. I keep telling myself I am okay and feel better. I've come to realize I just keep telling me that. It is all an act.
I once read that if you act like something you will become something, so I am hoping for the best here.
Lately I've been making a lot of noise (at work mostly), mainly to show my presence, or maybe to get attention? I try to make much noise and act all hyperactive, but is this not to hide how I really feel?
I do feel hyperactive at the time. When I am among people I feel good.
When I get home it's a different story. When I enter the door I take off the mask and hang it up the coat rack. I leave it there until I go out again. Is it a mask really? Or is it just who I am?
I keep wondering to myself: Who are you fooling? But am I really fooling myself? I don't feel good when I am alone. You see, that's the thing; when I am alone!
Of course deep inside I know I am not really alone, however I do miss people around me. I've come to realize that having people around me is worth more than all the gold in the world can buy.
Lately I've been talking about how much I started to love the radio. I do love the radio, and the music, but have you really listened to music? By listening I mean, every word that is spoken, did you feel the feeling the artist meant? I've been listening to music recently.
When you truly listen to music you start hearing the songs in a very different point of view. I would listen to the songs and came to realize every song says something about the person that is you. If it is your current situation, your life goal, your love life. How much I love music, sometimes truly listening to music hurts. You get confronted with the facts that lay before you. However songs also have the power to keep you going!
Think of professional athletes, or sports in general. Sometimes a song can make your blood pump faster and you will actually achieve the goal you couldn't reach before. Funny isn't it? Music being a reflection of your soul? All in all, I love music, I truly do!
Thing here is...I am not quite sure if I am okay at the moment. I might be, but sometimes my thoughts just run their own way. When I don't do that too much I'll probably be fine. I mean I might say that right now, but sometimes I even wonder if I'll ever be fine. It's hard at the moment. I will continue believing that I am okay, and eventually I'll get there.
Let's be honest here...I'll get there, but not without the help of all of you that have supported me in the past and still continue to do so.
Here is to my family, old friends, and the new.
Cheers!
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 10 augustus 2014
August 10th 2014
Hello everyone and welcome once again.
My brother visited me for the weekend. The guy came cycling all the way from Rotterdam to Arnhem. 122 Km...wow. We had a great time, played some pool, got my ass kicked 3 to 1!!
Today I set him on the train back home, as he was tired from cycling! Haha! However I applaud his effort!
He went and did it after all! I'm going to try it at one point too!
When I came home I once again realized how alone I am. I know deep in my heart that there are enough people out there who care for me! So actually I am not alone at all! However, they are not right here at the moment. I guess I do need that at this point. It is not bad living on my own, but hey you do miss the social interaction sometimes. Specially when you have Aspergers. You know social interaction is hard for you, even tires you out completely, but you do long for it! Sometimes you have to break the circle and be tired. That is a different story however.
Once again I realize how much I start to love the radio. I find myself sing along most songs more often.
Singing just makes me happy sometimes...and it is awkward, I start loving the sound of my own voice. Might sound weird, but when you are in my situation you would probably understand... I even came to love Singstar! I mean first I bought it for fun and as a party game, but (not so) secretly I am playing it sometimes! Haha...you caught me!
You know..I try to be that one person that makes a difference. I want to be there for everybody.
I know people will be able to hurt me this way, it happened so much in the past. I am easy to manipulate, but recently I start to see through these things. I want to help you, but if you try to make use of me, I will show you the door while it is still closed. Believe me, it will hurt flying through that door haha!
I am not a person that gives up easily on others either, there has to be a damn good reason if I suddenly would. So people from the past, if you ever read all this, start thinking very carefully about what you have done!
I made a new friend recently too! Very nice lady :)
I am not going to go into too much detail but I am really happy someone showed interest in me!
Makes me feel like I am not yet living under that rock I think is hanging above me! Of course when there is someone that shows interest in me they have my interest as well! I do think it is the start of a very good friendship haha. I got that feeling! Thank you!
There might be a lot more that I wanted to write when I started this, but as I started writing my feelings changed and it became this story instead. I don't really pay attention to what I write, I don't think about it, I just let things flow right from the heart. This is what you are reading here.
Thank you again for the time you took by reading this! Hopefully until soon if you are not already tired of me! Hah!
Yours truly,
Mike
My brother visited me for the weekend. The guy came cycling all the way from Rotterdam to Arnhem. 122 Km...wow. We had a great time, played some pool, got my ass kicked 3 to 1!!
Today I set him on the train back home, as he was tired from cycling! Haha! However I applaud his effort!
He went and did it after all! I'm going to try it at one point too!
When I came home I once again realized how alone I am. I know deep in my heart that there are enough people out there who care for me! So actually I am not alone at all! However, they are not right here at the moment. I guess I do need that at this point. It is not bad living on my own, but hey you do miss the social interaction sometimes. Specially when you have Aspergers. You know social interaction is hard for you, even tires you out completely, but you do long for it! Sometimes you have to break the circle and be tired. That is a different story however.
Once again I realize how much I start to love the radio. I find myself sing along most songs more often.
Singing just makes me happy sometimes...and it is awkward, I start loving the sound of my own voice. Might sound weird, but when you are in my situation you would probably understand... I even came to love Singstar! I mean first I bought it for fun and as a party game, but (not so) secretly I am playing it sometimes! Haha...you caught me!
You know..I try to be that one person that makes a difference. I want to be there for everybody.
I know people will be able to hurt me this way, it happened so much in the past. I am easy to manipulate, but recently I start to see through these things. I want to help you, but if you try to make use of me, I will show you the door while it is still closed. Believe me, it will hurt flying through that door haha!
I am not a person that gives up easily on others either, there has to be a damn good reason if I suddenly would. So people from the past, if you ever read all this, start thinking very carefully about what you have done!
I made a new friend recently too! Very nice lady :)
I am not going to go into too much detail but I am really happy someone showed interest in me!
Makes me feel like I am not yet living under that rock I think is hanging above me! Of course when there is someone that shows interest in me they have my interest as well! I do think it is the start of a very good friendship haha. I got that feeling! Thank you!
There might be a lot more that I wanted to write when I started this, but as I started writing my feelings changed and it became this story instead. I don't really pay attention to what I write, I don't think about it, I just let things flow right from the heart. This is what you are reading here.
Thank you again for the time you took by reading this! Hopefully until soon if you are not already tired of me! Hah!
Yours truly,
Mike
maandag 28 juli 2014
July 28th 2014
Hello everyone.
Feeling a bit broken, lost in the dark and alone right now. In one swing all my confident went down the drain.
Thoughts started running places they aren't supposed to go. Listening to the radio and all the songs on the radio made me feel like they appeal to me in a way.
Started thinking about my future. Wondering if I'll ever find my significant other. Then I started thinking.. who am I kidding? Who wants to live with an autistic person? You'll have to be strong for that and unfortunately it's one of the reasons she left me. So at that point, all my confidence and hope went down the drain. Will I be alone forever? I want to get married and have children at some point. It's one of my dreams.
Truth is I don't go out much, mainly because of my autism. Lately I try to go places, but I haven't reached that point yet where I will visit pubs or public places like that. It will happen at some point, but still, considering the facts, I don't have much hope at the moment. While a week back, I was so confident, so strong. Right now I feel like the weakest person on earth.
Music has become one of the most comforting things in live now. If I didn't have the radio I bought recently it would be so quiet in the house I will probably go insane and talk to walls. I enjoy going to work now because at least I have interaction. When I get home I get reminded how lonely I am and will be for a while and that thought makes me sad. Also, how much I like music, music is a reflection of emotions I always say. Some songs I hear makes me thing of things that happened, things around me...things in general..
It makes me feel empty, yet full at the same time.
I hope it kinda made sense, but at least I got this out of the way for now.
I just hope I can meet new people soon, as I am dying for new contacts!
Thank you for reading and hopefully until soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
Feeling a bit broken, lost in the dark and alone right now. In one swing all my confident went down the drain.
Thoughts started running places they aren't supposed to go. Listening to the radio and all the songs on the radio made me feel like they appeal to me in a way.
Started thinking about my future. Wondering if I'll ever find my significant other. Then I started thinking.. who am I kidding? Who wants to live with an autistic person? You'll have to be strong for that and unfortunately it's one of the reasons she left me. So at that point, all my confidence and hope went down the drain. Will I be alone forever? I want to get married and have children at some point. It's one of my dreams.
Truth is I don't go out much, mainly because of my autism. Lately I try to go places, but I haven't reached that point yet where I will visit pubs or public places like that. It will happen at some point, but still, considering the facts, I don't have much hope at the moment. While a week back, I was so confident, so strong. Right now I feel like the weakest person on earth.
Music has become one of the most comforting things in live now. If I didn't have the radio I bought recently it would be so quiet in the house I will probably go insane and talk to walls. I enjoy going to work now because at least I have interaction. When I get home I get reminded how lonely I am and will be for a while and that thought makes me sad. Also, how much I like music, music is a reflection of emotions I always say. Some songs I hear makes me thing of things that happened, things around me...things in general..
It makes me feel empty, yet full at the same time.
I hope it kinda made sense, but at least I got this out of the way for now.
I just hope I can meet new people soon, as I am dying for new contacts!
Thank you for reading and hopefully until soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
zaterdag 26 juli 2014
July 26th 2014
Hello everyone,
It has been a week since I have been living alone, I must say I am doing pretty well on working days, but I notice now it is weekend I really need something to do, or (new) people to get in contact with because I'm starting to get slightly mad. Josca came to visit today, at first it was awkward but as the day went by I didn't feel that way anymore, it was pretty fun actually!
We played Mario Kart 8, which she gave to me as a gift and I cooked for her. However after that I started to get bored. I think it was because the day lasts so long when you're not working! I am kinda having trouble with that.That and most of the time I don't feel like doing stuff (all day). I mean I love playing games and such, but I am not the type of person who can do that all day long! I guess I kinda need to get used a bit more of being alone too.
I bought a radio today too. It's a nice looking radio, with this retro look! It even has a CD player on it, and you can plug in an USB. Nice! It will definitely help me when I am feeling alone and need some sound around me.
Tomorrow I'm visiting my best friend and colleague Kevin and we will have a barbecue. I will take my bike to go there, which is about 1 to 1,5 hours of cycling. But hey I love it! Also this morning I stepped on the scales and saw that my weight was 110.9 kg. At first I was a bit meh, since last week it was 112. Then I thought.. a month ago it was 116! So hey! Going well! I'm eating less than before now too, using this handy app which tells me how much calories I had everyday! Using that, and started jogging again, it's going great!
I also started training a bit, using dumbbells, push-ups and sit ups. We'll see where this train takes me!
Anyway yeah, so I do have a bit of a motivation problem when it comes to doing stuff and yeah I'd also like to meet new people, just don't know how! Might go out one of these days to be honest but I'll see about that at some point.
I think this is all for today, thanks for reading and I hope to see you again next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
It has been a week since I have been living alone, I must say I am doing pretty well on working days, but I notice now it is weekend I really need something to do, or (new) people to get in contact with because I'm starting to get slightly mad. Josca came to visit today, at first it was awkward but as the day went by I didn't feel that way anymore, it was pretty fun actually!
We played Mario Kart 8, which she gave to me as a gift and I cooked for her. However after that I started to get bored. I think it was because the day lasts so long when you're not working! I am kinda having trouble with that.That and most of the time I don't feel like doing stuff (all day). I mean I love playing games and such, but I am not the type of person who can do that all day long! I guess I kinda need to get used a bit more of being alone too.
I bought a radio today too. It's a nice looking radio, with this retro look! It even has a CD player on it, and you can plug in an USB. Nice! It will definitely help me when I am feeling alone and need some sound around me.
Tomorrow I'm visiting my best friend and colleague Kevin and we will have a barbecue. I will take my bike to go there, which is about 1 to 1,5 hours of cycling. But hey I love it! Also this morning I stepped on the scales and saw that my weight was 110.9 kg. At first I was a bit meh, since last week it was 112. Then I thought.. a month ago it was 116! So hey! Going well! I'm eating less than before now too, using this handy app which tells me how much calories I had everyday! Using that, and started jogging again, it's going great!
I also started training a bit, using dumbbells, push-ups and sit ups. We'll see where this train takes me!
Anyway yeah, so I do have a bit of a motivation problem when it comes to doing stuff and yeah I'd also like to meet new people, just don't know how! Might go out one of these days to be honest but I'll see about that at some point.
I think this is all for today, thanks for reading and I hope to see you again next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
zaterdag 12 juli 2014
July 12th 20014
Hello everyone,
I haven't been here in a while, I know. I have been reluctant to write something, and I am sorry for it. However I only write down if I feel I need or want to share. This is one of the things I feel I need and want to share.
After 4 and a half year my relationship has ended. I will spare you the details but we separated as good friends. Unfortunately we recently bought a house. It might mean I have to sell it. We both decided it was best for me to stay here if possible, so I hope something can be worked out considering the law and all the legal stuff. It is a hard time for me, but I am sure I'll get on top of it real soon. I just need to have things sorted and when that's happened I'll be better than ever!
I actually am starting to feel younger again! After all I am only 26. Thing is the last couple of years I had to act older than I really am, which put a strain on me and the relationship.
I have very good friends, siblings and colleagues who are there for me and I feel both surprised and overwhelmed by the reaction and support I have gotten the last couple of days.
Do not worry about our cats, they will live with me and I will do my best to take care of them!
Josca can come by when she want to, the cats are hers too after all, but the first couple of months I think we both need a little distance.
I will definitely go out more, and I am also trying to make new friends and/or keep contact with my old friends. I also started running to lose weight and I am thinking about picking up a few dumbbells to train the muscle a bit too. Judging from this, it is time I start to act my age and live!
Of course this isn't been easy and I did have my emotional moments but when I think about it, it is for the best. We had a great time together, but eventually went separate ways. We tried to hold on to each others hands but the roads we walked were getting wider so eventually we lost grip.
We will stay friends, and we will never forget what happened and what a good time we had when it lasted.
For my own good, self development and well-being I will continue to visit the mental health care. There are a few things that I need help on and I am glad I searched help. I only had an intake conversation and a screening and I already feel that they can mean a lot for me. I hope I can improve myself and be the person I always wanted to be. I feel like I am well on my way!
Some people are surprised how I can keep so positive about all this. My view on it is the following: Fighting against it will only make things harder as you can't do anything against it. The most logical, and easy way is to accept it. This is just what I did and it will open a new chapter in my life.
I just wanted to share a quote by Sylvester Stallone's character Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI, which will explain my view on life and some of the events that happened recently:
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!"
Think about it..
I believe Rocky is right. A strong man will endure the hits, and when he gets back up he will strike harder than every hit he endured and will eventually emerge victorious. This is exactly what I am going to do.
I do not know that the future brings me, but I do no I am going to enjoy my life for myself and not for anyone else. Maybe that is the one thing I need to learn, but I believe I can do it and I am going into the right direction already. Life is life after all right? Nothing we can do about it except to be happy! Smile into life's direction, once it notices you, it will smile right back. Maybe, just maybe, it always smiled but you failed to see it. I hope I can inspire other people with my story and I hope everyone will find their own light in life.
Take care everyone and until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
I haven't been here in a while, I know. I have been reluctant to write something, and I am sorry for it. However I only write down if I feel I need or want to share. This is one of the things I feel I need and want to share.
After 4 and a half year my relationship has ended. I will spare you the details but we separated as good friends. Unfortunately we recently bought a house. It might mean I have to sell it. We both decided it was best for me to stay here if possible, so I hope something can be worked out considering the law and all the legal stuff. It is a hard time for me, but I am sure I'll get on top of it real soon. I just need to have things sorted and when that's happened I'll be better than ever!
I actually am starting to feel younger again! After all I am only 26. Thing is the last couple of years I had to act older than I really am, which put a strain on me and the relationship.
I have very good friends, siblings and colleagues who are there for me and I feel both surprised and overwhelmed by the reaction and support I have gotten the last couple of days.
Do not worry about our cats, they will live with me and I will do my best to take care of them!
Josca can come by when she want to, the cats are hers too after all, but the first couple of months I think we both need a little distance.
I will definitely go out more, and I am also trying to make new friends and/or keep contact with my old friends. I also started running to lose weight and I am thinking about picking up a few dumbbells to train the muscle a bit too. Judging from this, it is time I start to act my age and live!
Of course this isn't been easy and I did have my emotional moments but when I think about it, it is for the best. We had a great time together, but eventually went separate ways. We tried to hold on to each others hands but the roads we walked were getting wider so eventually we lost grip.
We will stay friends, and we will never forget what happened and what a good time we had when it lasted.
For my own good, self development and well-being I will continue to visit the mental health care. There are a few things that I need help on and I am glad I searched help. I only had an intake conversation and a screening and I already feel that they can mean a lot for me. I hope I can improve myself and be the person I always wanted to be. I feel like I am well on my way!
Some people are surprised how I can keep so positive about all this. My view on it is the following: Fighting against it will only make things harder as you can't do anything against it. The most logical, and easy way is to accept it. This is just what I did and it will open a new chapter in my life.
I just wanted to share a quote by Sylvester Stallone's character Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI, which will explain my view on life and some of the events that happened recently:
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!"
Think about it..
I believe Rocky is right. A strong man will endure the hits, and when he gets back up he will strike harder than every hit he endured and will eventually emerge victorious. This is exactly what I am going to do.
I do not know that the future brings me, but I do no I am going to enjoy my life for myself and not for anyone else. Maybe that is the one thing I need to learn, but I believe I can do it and I am going into the right direction already. Life is life after all right? Nothing we can do about it except to be happy! Smile into life's direction, once it notices you, it will smile right back. Maybe, just maybe, it always smiled but you failed to see it. I hope I can inspire other people with my story and I hope everyone will find their own light in life.
Take care everyone and until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
zondag 30 maart 2014
March 30th 2014
Hello everyone,
Today I want to give you an update on how I have been feeling recently. I been having mild depressions the last couple of months. I also found out that I have trouble letting things go. Under this we can understand the following; an innocent conversation where I should have said something else than what I said, to bigger problems like past events, like how I've been bullied. The events keep coming back to me, at random. I feel attacked by them, I don't feel safe anymore. There is one thing that bothers me most. Out of all things, I can't let you go. You keep coming back, in my thoughts, in my dreams, things even remind me of you, simple things like they way how you did things and the way how you expressed yourself. I feel helpless. I have to let you go but for some reason my mind won't let me.
I have been to the doctors and I am getting help on this issue, April 18th is my first appointment.
Hopefully my life will get colors again, this is why I'm doing this. To help myself enjoy life once again.
So sorry if I have been troublesome the past 13 years, to you, to anyone who left me because of this, I hope that you'll understand.
Here's a little something I want to write, just to let my thoughts flow:
"He was watching the rain drop on the windows, the soft ticking made him realize that the world is one sad and lonely place. The rain is happy, as it falls down the skies, racing each other who will hit the surface first. The streets are empty, as nobody wants to get wet. I wouldn't hesitate a moment and would step outside to dance in the rain. We have something in common, while the world is gray and lonely, we are at our best. This alone gives me enough reason to live, to see it rain so hard that it brings peace inside of me. The sound and the feeling of rain makes me calm and content."
Catch you on the flipside
Today I want to give you an update on how I have been feeling recently. I been having mild depressions the last couple of months. I also found out that I have trouble letting things go. Under this we can understand the following; an innocent conversation where I should have said something else than what I said, to bigger problems like past events, like how I've been bullied. The events keep coming back to me, at random. I feel attacked by them, I don't feel safe anymore. There is one thing that bothers me most. Out of all things, I can't let you go. You keep coming back, in my thoughts, in my dreams, things even remind me of you, simple things like they way how you did things and the way how you expressed yourself. I feel helpless. I have to let you go but for some reason my mind won't let me.
I have been to the doctors and I am getting help on this issue, April 18th is my first appointment.
Hopefully my life will get colors again, this is why I'm doing this. To help myself enjoy life once again.
So sorry if I have been troublesome the past 13 years, to you, to anyone who left me because of this, I hope that you'll understand.
Here's a little something I want to write, just to let my thoughts flow:
"He was watching the rain drop on the windows, the soft ticking made him realize that the world is one sad and lonely place. The rain is happy, as it falls down the skies, racing each other who will hit the surface first. The streets are empty, as nobody wants to get wet. I wouldn't hesitate a moment and would step outside to dance in the rain. We have something in common, while the world is gray and lonely, we are at our best. This alone gives me enough reason to live, to see it rain so hard that it brings peace inside of me. The sound and the feeling of rain makes me calm and content."
Catch you on the flipside
woensdag 5 maart 2014
march 5th 2014
Nothing useful to say really, but I might just write a bit to let you know what's on my mind.
Lately I've been feeling down and sorrowful. I don't know why, but then I had an idea of looking up ADD. What I found was: it's common for people with autism to have either ADD or ADHD along with it. So ADD did appeal to me a bit. Specially the depression and mood swings part. I don't want another stamp on me or anything, however, I am getting quite sick of these mood swings. I mean it's almost hard for me to show any 'good' emotions like gratitude, joy, happiness etc. I find it really really hard to express myself in that way. Even though I do feel like it, but not enough to share it with anyone, let alone the whole world. On the other hand it seems like I am pretty good at showing 'bad' emotions like depression, sadness, anger even. I want to be happy and show people that I am. I want to stand before you with a smile on my face, however it feels like somehow I am not allowed to, I can't. I am trying to improve myself, trying to be a good person, but I simply can't change the fact that I am and will always be different from you. This has a huge impact on my life, since I want to enjoy the same things, and express the same things as you, however I must simply accept the fact that I can't and will never be able to. I have been thinking and this is not what I want to pass on to the future, at least, not in its current state. If I were to have children I insist they will get the help early in their life. Something I never got, something that made me grew up feeling different and always left out. Bullied even. I don't want the future generation to experience the same. Maybe this is what made me who I am today. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror, however I try to be the person I can like myself.
That actually might work, being the person I like having around. Maybe that will help me. Sometimes though, I can't help myself and fall back to my old habits. That's where you guys come in. I need help. I want to color this sad world a beautiful palette, but how can I if I can't even paint myself all the colors of the rainbow? Let us start with that first. I would really appreciate if you can help me. I can be a new person, a better one, a happy one. The person I like having around myself. Then I would truly be me.
Thanks for reading and catch you on the flipside!
Lately I've been feeling down and sorrowful. I don't know why, but then I had an idea of looking up ADD. What I found was: it's common for people with autism to have either ADD or ADHD along with it. So ADD did appeal to me a bit. Specially the depression and mood swings part. I don't want another stamp on me or anything, however, I am getting quite sick of these mood swings. I mean it's almost hard for me to show any 'good' emotions like gratitude, joy, happiness etc. I find it really really hard to express myself in that way. Even though I do feel like it, but not enough to share it with anyone, let alone the whole world. On the other hand it seems like I am pretty good at showing 'bad' emotions like depression, sadness, anger even. I want to be happy and show people that I am. I want to stand before you with a smile on my face, however it feels like somehow I am not allowed to, I can't. I am trying to improve myself, trying to be a good person, but I simply can't change the fact that I am and will always be different from you. This has a huge impact on my life, since I want to enjoy the same things, and express the same things as you, however I must simply accept the fact that I can't and will never be able to. I have been thinking and this is not what I want to pass on to the future, at least, not in its current state. If I were to have children I insist they will get the help early in their life. Something I never got, something that made me grew up feeling different and always left out. Bullied even. I don't want the future generation to experience the same. Maybe this is what made me who I am today. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror, however I try to be the person I can like myself.
That actually might work, being the person I like having around. Maybe that will help me. Sometimes though, I can't help myself and fall back to my old habits. That's where you guys come in. I need help. I want to color this sad world a beautiful palette, but how can I if I can't even paint myself all the colors of the rainbow? Let us start with that first. I would really appreciate if you can help me. I can be a new person, a better one, a happy one. The person I like having around myself. Then I would truly be me.
Thanks for reading and catch you on the flipside!
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