march 5th 2014

Nothing useful to say really, but I might just write a bit to let you know what's on my mind.
Lately I've been feeling down and sorrowful. I don't know why, but then I had an idea of looking up ADD. What I found was: it's common for people with autism to have either ADD or ADHD along with it. So ADD did appeal to me a bit. Specially the depression and mood swings part. I don't want another stamp on me or anything, however, I am getting quite sick of these mood swings. I mean it's almost hard for me to show any 'good' emotions like gratitude, joy, happiness etc. I find it really really hard to express myself in that way. Even though I do feel like it, but not enough to share it with anyone, let alone the whole world. On the other hand it seems like I am pretty good at showing 'bad' emotions like depression, sadness, anger even. I want to be happy and show people that I am. I want to stand before you with a smile on my face, however it feels like somehow I am not allowed to, I can't. I am trying to improve myself, trying to be a good person, but I simply can't change the fact that I am and will always be different from you. This has a huge impact on my life, since I want to enjoy the same things, and express the same things as you, however I must simply accept the fact that I can't and will never be able to. I have been thinking and this is not what I want to pass on to the future, at least, not in its current state. If I were to have children I insist they will get the help early in their life. Something I never got, something that made me grew up feeling different and always left out. Bullied even. I don't want the future generation to experience the same. Maybe this is what made me who I am today. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror, however I try to be the person I can like myself.
That actually might work, being the person I like having around. Maybe that will help me. Sometimes though, I can't help myself and fall back to my old habits. That's where you guys come in. I need help. I want to color this sad world a beautiful palette, but how can I if I can't even paint myself all the colors of the rainbow? Let us start with that first. I would really appreciate if you can help me. I can be a new person, a better one, a happy one. The person I like having around myself. Then I would truly be me.
Thanks for reading and catch you on the flipside!