Hello everyone.
Feeling a bit broken, lost in the dark and alone right now. In one swing all my confident went down the drain.
Thoughts started running places they aren't supposed to go. Listening to the radio and all the songs on the radio made me feel like they appeal to me in a way.
Started thinking about my future. Wondering if I'll ever find my significant other. Then I started thinking.. who am I kidding? Who wants to live with an autistic person? You'll have to be strong for that and unfortunately it's one of the reasons she left me. So at that point, all my confidence and hope went down the drain. Will I be alone forever? I want to get married and have children at some point. It's one of my dreams.
Truth is I don't go out much, mainly because of my autism. Lately I try to go places, but I haven't reached that point yet where I will visit pubs or public places like that. It will happen at some point, but still, considering the facts, I don't have much hope at the moment. While a week back, I was so confident, so strong. Right now I feel like the weakest person on earth.
Music has become one of the most comforting things in live now. If I didn't have the radio I bought recently it would be so quiet in the house I will probably go insane and talk to walls. I enjoy going to work now because at least I have interaction. When I get home I get reminded how lonely I am and will be for a while and that thought makes me sad. Also, how much I like music, music is a reflection of emotions I always say. Some songs I hear makes me thing of things that happened, things around me...things in general..
It makes me feel empty, yet full at the same time.
I hope it kinda made sense, but at least I got this out of the way for now.
I just hope I can meet new people soon, as I am dying for new contacts!
Thank you for reading and hopefully until soon.
Yours truly,
Mike
maandag 28 juli 2014
zaterdag 26 juli 2014
July 26th 2014
Hello everyone,
It has been a week since I have been living alone, I must say I am doing pretty well on working days, but I notice now it is weekend I really need something to do, or (new) people to get in contact with because I'm starting to get slightly mad. Josca came to visit today, at first it was awkward but as the day went by I didn't feel that way anymore, it was pretty fun actually!
We played Mario Kart 8, which she gave to me as a gift and I cooked for her. However after that I started to get bored. I think it was because the day lasts so long when you're not working! I am kinda having trouble with that.That and most of the time I don't feel like doing stuff (all day). I mean I love playing games and such, but I am not the type of person who can do that all day long! I guess I kinda need to get used a bit more of being alone too.
I bought a radio today too. It's a nice looking radio, with this retro look! It even has a CD player on it, and you can plug in an USB. Nice! It will definitely help me when I am feeling alone and need some sound around me.
Tomorrow I'm visiting my best friend and colleague Kevin and we will have a barbecue. I will take my bike to go there, which is about 1 to 1,5 hours of cycling. But hey I love it! Also this morning I stepped on the scales and saw that my weight was 110.9 kg. At first I was a bit meh, since last week it was 112. Then I thought.. a month ago it was 116! So hey! Going well! I'm eating less than before now too, using this handy app which tells me how much calories I had everyday! Using that, and started jogging again, it's going great!
I also started training a bit, using dumbbells, push-ups and sit ups. We'll see where this train takes me!
Anyway yeah, so I do have a bit of a motivation problem when it comes to doing stuff and yeah I'd also like to meet new people, just don't know how! Might go out one of these days to be honest but I'll see about that at some point.
I think this is all for today, thanks for reading and I hope to see you again next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
It has been a week since I have been living alone, I must say I am doing pretty well on working days, but I notice now it is weekend I really need something to do, or (new) people to get in contact with because I'm starting to get slightly mad. Josca came to visit today, at first it was awkward but as the day went by I didn't feel that way anymore, it was pretty fun actually!
We played Mario Kart 8, which she gave to me as a gift and I cooked for her. However after that I started to get bored. I think it was because the day lasts so long when you're not working! I am kinda having trouble with that.That and most of the time I don't feel like doing stuff (all day). I mean I love playing games and such, but I am not the type of person who can do that all day long! I guess I kinda need to get used a bit more of being alone too.
I bought a radio today too. It's a nice looking radio, with this retro look! It even has a CD player on it, and you can plug in an USB. Nice! It will definitely help me when I am feeling alone and need some sound around me.
Tomorrow I'm visiting my best friend and colleague Kevin and we will have a barbecue. I will take my bike to go there, which is about 1 to 1,5 hours of cycling. But hey I love it! Also this morning I stepped on the scales and saw that my weight was 110.9 kg. At first I was a bit meh, since last week it was 112. Then I thought.. a month ago it was 116! So hey! Going well! I'm eating less than before now too, using this handy app which tells me how much calories I had everyday! Using that, and started jogging again, it's going great!
I also started training a bit, using dumbbells, push-ups and sit ups. We'll see where this train takes me!
Anyway yeah, so I do have a bit of a motivation problem when it comes to doing stuff and yeah I'd also like to meet new people, just don't know how! Might go out one of these days to be honest but I'll see about that at some point.
I think this is all for today, thanks for reading and I hope to see you again next time!
Yours truly,
Mike
zaterdag 12 juli 2014
July 12th 20014
Hello everyone,
I haven't been here in a while, I know. I have been reluctant to write something, and I am sorry for it. However I only write down if I feel I need or want to share. This is one of the things I feel I need and want to share.
After 4 and a half year my relationship has ended. I will spare you the details but we separated as good friends. Unfortunately we recently bought a house. It might mean I have to sell it. We both decided it was best for me to stay here if possible, so I hope something can be worked out considering the law and all the legal stuff. It is a hard time for me, but I am sure I'll get on top of it real soon. I just need to have things sorted and when that's happened I'll be better than ever!
I actually am starting to feel younger again! After all I am only 26. Thing is the last couple of years I had to act older than I really am, which put a strain on me and the relationship.
I have very good friends, siblings and colleagues who are there for me and I feel both surprised and overwhelmed by the reaction and support I have gotten the last couple of days.
Do not worry about our cats, they will live with me and I will do my best to take care of them!
Josca can come by when she want to, the cats are hers too after all, but the first couple of months I think we both need a little distance.
I will definitely go out more, and I am also trying to make new friends and/or keep contact with my old friends. I also started running to lose weight and I am thinking about picking up a few dumbbells to train the muscle a bit too. Judging from this, it is time I start to act my age and live!
Of course this isn't been easy and I did have my emotional moments but when I think about it, it is for the best. We had a great time together, but eventually went separate ways. We tried to hold on to each others hands but the roads we walked were getting wider so eventually we lost grip.
We will stay friends, and we will never forget what happened and what a good time we had when it lasted.
For my own good, self development and well-being I will continue to visit the mental health care. There are a few things that I need help on and I am glad I searched help. I only had an intake conversation and a screening and I already feel that they can mean a lot for me. I hope I can improve myself and be the person I always wanted to be. I feel like I am well on my way!
Some people are surprised how I can keep so positive about all this. My view on it is the following: Fighting against it will only make things harder as you can't do anything against it. The most logical, and easy way is to accept it. This is just what I did and it will open a new chapter in my life.
I just wanted to share a quote by Sylvester Stallone's character Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI, which will explain my view on life and some of the events that happened recently:
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!"
Think about it..
I believe Rocky is right. A strong man will endure the hits, and when he gets back up he will strike harder than every hit he endured and will eventually emerge victorious. This is exactly what I am going to do.
I do not know that the future brings me, but I do no I am going to enjoy my life for myself and not for anyone else. Maybe that is the one thing I need to learn, but I believe I can do it and I am going into the right direction already. Life is life after all right? Nothing we can do about it except to be happy! Smile into life's direction, once it notices you, it will smile right back. Maybe, just maybe, it always smiled but you failed to see it. I hope I can inspire other people with my story and I hope everyone will find their own light in life.
Take care everyone and until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
I haven't been here in a while, I know. I have been reluctant to write something, and I am sorry for it. However I only write down if I feel I need or want to share. This is one of the things I feel I need and want to share.
After 4 and a half year my relationship has ended. I will spare you the details but we separated as good friends. Unfortunately we recently bought a house. It might mean I have to sell it. We both decided it was best for me to stay here if possible, so I hope something can be worked out considering the law and all the legal stuff. It is a hard time for me, but I am sure I'll get on top of it real soon. I just need to have things sorted and when that's happened I'll be better than ever!
I actually am starting to feel younger again! After all I am only 26. Thing is the last couple of years I had to act older than I really am, which put a strain on me and the relationship.
I have very good friends, siblings and colleagues who are there for me and I feel both surprised and overwhelmed by the reaction and support I have gotten the last couple of days.
Do not worry about our cats, they will live with me and I will do my best to take care of them!
Josca can come by when she want to, the cats are hers too after all, but the first couple of months I think we both need a little distance.
I will definitely go out more, and I am also trying to make new friends and/or keep contact with my old friends. I also started running to lose weight and I am thinking about picking up a few dumbbells to train the muscle a bit too. Judging from this, it is time I start to act my age and live!
Of course this isn't been easy and I did have my emotional moments but when I think about it, it is for the best. We had a great time together, but eventually went separate ways. We tried to hold on to each others hands but the roads we walked were getting wider so eventually we lost grip.
We will stay friends, and we will never forget what happened and what a good time we had when it lasted.
For my own good, self development and well-being I will continue to visit the mental health care. There are a few things that I need help on and I am glad I searched help. I only had an intake conversation and a screening and I already feel that they can mean a lot for me. I hope I can improve myself and be the person I always wanted to be. I feel like I am well on my way!
Some people are surprised how I can keep so positive about all this. My view on it is the following: Fighting against it will only make things harder as you can't do anything against it. The most logical, and easy way is to accept it. This is just what I did and it will open a new chapter in my life.
I just wanted to share a quote by Sylvester Stallone's character Rocky Balboa in Rocky VI, which will explain my view on life and some of the events that happened recently:
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!"
Think about it..
I believe Rocky is right. A strong man will endure the hits, and when he gets back up he will strike harder than every hit he endured and will eventually emerge victorious. This is exactly what I am going to do.
I do not know that the future brings me, but I do no I am going to enjoy my life for myself and not for anyone else. Maybe that is the one thing I need to learn, but I believe I can do it and I am going into the right direction already. Life is life after all right? Nothing we can do about it except to be happy! Smile into life's direction, once it notices you, it will smile right back. Maybe, just maybe, it always smiled but you failed to see it. I hope I can inspire other people with my story and I hope everyone will find their own light in life.
Take care everyone and until next time.
Yours truly,
Mike
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