Hello everyone,
Today I want to give you an update on how I have been feeling recently. I been having mild depressions the last couple of months. I also found out that I have trouble letting things go. Under this we can understand the following; an innocent conversation where I should have said something else than what I said, to bigger problems like past events, like how I've been bullied. The events keep coming back to me, at random. I feel attacked by them, I don't feel safe anymore. There is one thing that bothers me most. Out of all things, I can't let you go. You keep coming back, in my thoughts, in my dreams, things even remind me of you, simple things like they way how you did things and the way how you expressed yourself. I feel helpless. I have to let you go but for some reason my mind won't let me.
I have been to the doctors and I am getting help on this issue, April 18th is my first appointment.
Hopefully my life will get colors again, this is why I'm doing this. To help myself enjoy life once again.
So sorry if I have been troublesome the past 13 years, to you, to anyone who left me because of this, I hope that you'll understand.
Here's a little something I want to write, just to let my thoughts flow:
"He was watching the rain drop on the windows, the soft ticking made him realize that the world is one sad and lonely place. The rain is happy, as it falls down the skies, racing each other who will hit the surface first. The streets are empty, as nobody wants to get wet. I wouldn't hesitate a moment and would step outside to dance in the rain. We have something in common, while the world is gray and lonely, we are at our best. This alone gives me enough reason to live, to see it rain so hard that it brings peace inside of me. The sound and the feeling of rain makes me calm and content."
Catch you on the flipside
zondag 30 maart 2014
woensdag 5 maart 2014
march 5th 2014
Nothing useful to say really, but I might just write a bit to let you know what's on my mind.
Lately I've been feeling down and sorrowful. I don't know why, but then I had an idea of looking up ADD. What I found was: it's common for people with autism to have either ADD or ADHD along with it. So ADD did appeal to me a bit. Specially the depression and mood swings part. I don't want another stamp on me or anything, however, I am getting quite sick of these mood swings. I mean it's almost hard for me to show any 'good' emotions like gratitude, joy, happiness etc. I find it really really hard to express myself in that way. Even though I do feel like it, but not enough to share it with anyone, let alone the whole world. On the other hand it seems like I am pretty good at showing 'bad' emotions like depression, sadness, anger even. I want to be happy and show people that I am. I want to stand before you with a smile on my face, however it feels like somehow I am not allowed to, I can't. I am trying to improve myself, trying to be a good person, but I simply can't change the fact that I am and will always be different from you. This has a huge impact on my life, since I want to enjoy the same things, and express the same things as you, however I must simply accept the fact that I can't and will never be able to. I have been thinking and this is not what I want to pass on to the future, at least, not in its current state. If I were to have children I insist they will get the help early in their life. Something I never got, something that made me grew up feeling different and always left out. Bullied even. I don't want the future generation to experience the same. Maybe this is what made me who I am today. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror, however I try to be the person I can like myself.
That actually might work, being the person I like having around. Maybe that will help me. Sometimes though, I can't help myself and fall back to my old habits. That's where you guys come in. I need help. I want to color this sad world a beautiful palette, but how can I if I can't even paint myself all the colors of the rainbow? Let us start with that first. I would really appreciate if you can help me. I can be a new person, a better one, a happy one. The person I like having around myself. Then I would truly be me.
Thanks for reading and catch you on the flipside!
Lately I've been feeling down and sorrowful. I don't know why, but then I had an idea of looking up ADD. What I found was: it's common for people with autism to have either ADD or ADHD along with it. So ADD did appeal to me a bit. Specially the depression and mood swings part. I don't want another stamp on me or anything, however, I am getting quite sick of these mood swings. I mean it's almost hard for me to show any 'good' emotions like gratitude, joy, happiness etc. I find it really really hard to express myself in that way. Even though I do feel like it, but not enough to share it with anyone, let alone the whole world. On the other hand it seems like I am pretty good at showing 'bad' emotions like depression, sadness, anger even. I want to be happy and show people that I am. I want to stand before you with a smile on my face, however it feels like somehow I am not allowed to, I can't. I am trying to improve myself, trying to be a good person, but I simply can't change the fact that I am and will always be different from you. This has a huge impact on my life, since I want to enjoy the same things, and express the same things as you, however I must simply accept the fact that I can't and will never be able to. I have been thinking and this is not what I want to pass on to the future, at least, not in its current state. If I were to have children I insist they will get the help early in their life. Something I never got, something that made me grew up feeling different and always left out. Bullied even. I don't want the future generation to experience the same. Maybe this is what made me who I am today. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror, however I try to be the person I can like myself.
That actually might work, being the person I like having around. Maybe that will help me. Sometimes though, I can't help myself and fall back to my old habits. That's where you guys come in. I need help. I want to color this sad world a beautiful palette, but how can I if I can't even paint myself all the colors of the rainbow? Let us start with that first. I would really appreciate if you can help me. I can be a new person, a better one, a happy one. The person I like having around myself. Then I would truly be me.
Thanks for reading and catch you on the flipside!
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