Hello everyone,
Yesterday I had a party with the company I work for, it has been fun while I could manage, after I decided I had enough food I left. When I got home I looked up at the sky and saw something I haven't seen since childhood. It honestly brought tears to my eyes. I saw stars!! Lovely stars stretched wide over the dark blue sky. It was almost magical! I just wanted to share that with you :)..
Take care!
zaterdag 30 november 2013
zaterdag 23 november 2013
November 23rd 2013
Good day everyone,
I haven't put much here lately because I don't really have big events I want to tell you about.
However things will be different from now on. Following a tip a colleague of mine told me, just to write something down everyday just to empty your mind. He said it'll work, so I'm giving it a shot!
A couple of things has happened the past few months. My colleague's contract wasn't renewed, much to my surprise. However what I didn't know is the things he been doing and saying behind my back. In the end I am glad he's gone, as it turned out now that I did the work for 1,5 man while he did half of his own. My new colleague is a nice guy and also the guy who tipped me to write things down everyday. Me and him are pretty close now and I am happy to say that I found a friend I didn't meet via my girlfriend. Hurray!
As me and my girlfriend are having more and more trouble getting around in the month we decided we needed to move out, the rent is just too much. We decided of buying an appartement! The deal is almost square, the mortgage needs to be approved by the bank and we're good to go! If things go well we can pick up the key on December 27th.
There is another thing that's been bothering me lately, or actually two. The first is plain and simple. I am afraid of leaving dear ones behind if I was to pass away. I'm only 25 so I maybe shouldn't think about things like this, but then again you'll never know. I do think it's a sign that I should enjoy my life because in the end we all go there, so it's better to enjoy it while you are still alive. Make the best of it with your dear ones.
That's one thing that sometimes bother me, however the frequency gets lesser and lesser, now the other thing..
A while ago I've spoken about this person which I broke contact with because the person spoke behind my back, telling lies and using us whenever she could, other than that the person ignored us. That is why I abruptly broke contact, however this person kept contacting me in every way possible. After disappearing completely for this person I am being chased by guilt, nostalgia and pity. The person kept asking me why I never talked back and why I ignored them. I never told anything, I already had in the past. Warned something would happen. When it happened the person never understood, now I thought the person was just playing, but now I can't help but think the person really didn't understand. Sometimes something reminds me of this person and it comes back to me, haunts me, torments me. Something in me wants closure, something in me wants the old days back when we were still friends. However, as of lately, and right now, we aren't friends, because of what this person did. The more I try to forget everything the more it comes back. I know the best thing is just to get over it, and I want to. The back of my mind however wants a decent closure. After what happened in the past, the good and the bad things, the closure is never going to be, so I might just let it all go. Maybe one day it will stop bothering me.
One last thing I want to add to today's page is as of lately I have rediscovered Battlefield 3 again. I used to suck at it, that's why I never played, but now I seem to get better and better and I like it as much as I did like Bad Company 2 in the older days. I say I have found myself a new hobby for now! I am also trying to learn how to draw cars, because I never could, however because of BF3 the progress is kinda slow haha... well.
Time to call it a day!
See you!
I haven't put much here lately because I don't really have big events I want to tell you about.
However things will be different from now on. Following a tip a colleague of mine told me, just to write something down everyday just to empty your mind. He said it'll work, so I'm giving it a shot!
A couple of things has happened the past few months. My colleague's contract wasn't renewed, much to my surprise. However what I didn't know is the things he been doing and saying behind my back. In the end I am glad he's gone, as it turned out now that I did the work for 1,5 man while he did half of his own. My new colleague is a nice guy and also the guy who tipped me to write things down everyday. Me and him are pretty close now and I am happy to say that I found a friend I didn't meet via my girlfriend. Hurray!
As me and my girlfriend are having more and more trouble getting around in the month we decided we needed to move out, the rent is just too much. We decided of buying an appartement! The deal is almost square, the mortgage needs to be approved by the bank and we're good to go! If things go well we can pick up the key on December 27th.
There is another thing that's been bothering me lately, or actually two. The first is plain and simple. I am afraid of leaving dear ones behind if I was to pass away. I'm only 25 so I maybe shouldn't think about things like this, but then again you'll never know. I do think it's a sign that I should enjoy my life because in the end we all go there, so it's better to enjoy it while you are still alive. Make the best of it with your dear ones.
That's one thing that sometimes bother me, however the frequency gets lesser and lesser, now the other thing..
A while ago I've spoken about this person which I broke contact with because the person spoke behind my back, telling lies and using us whenever she could, other than that the person ignored us. That is why I abruptly broke contact, however this person kept contacting me in every way possible. After disappearing completely for this person I am being chased by guilt, nostalgia and pity. The person kept asking me why I never talked back and why I ignored them. I never told anything, I already had in the past. Warned something would happen. When it happened the person never understood, now I thought the person was just playing, but now I can't help but think the person really didn't understand. Sometimes something reminds me of this person and it comes back to me, haunts me, torments me. Something in me wants closure, something in me wants the old days back when we were still friends. However, as of lately, and right now, we aren't friends, because of what this person did. The more I try to forget everything the more it comes back. I know the best thing is just to get over it, and I want to. The back of my mind however wants a decent closure. After what happened in the past, the good and the bad things, the closure is never going to be, so I might just let it all go. Maybe one day it will stop bothering me.
One last thing I want to add to today's page is as of lately I have rediscovered Battlefield 3 again. I used to suck at it, that's why I never played, but now I seem to get better and better and I like it as much as I did like Bad Company 2 in the older days. I say I have found myself a new hobby for now! I am also trying to learn how to draw cars, because I never could, however because of BF3 the progress is kinda slow haha... well.
Time to call it a day!
See you!
zondag 2 juni 2013
Leap of faith
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing fine.
This time I want to talk about how fed up I have been lately.
The reason behind this is complications at work to be honest. Pressure plays a big part in this. Pressure and the fact that my colleagues probably see me as a 'different' person than others. I've been walking around with this idea for a while and finally decided to go with it; I'm going to inform all my co workers about my autism and hope it helps understand each other better. I wrote it all down, and I'm going to email it to them tomorrow morning when I'm at work. Let us hope for improvement!
Other than this, I've been busy, and one thing that bothers me the most is, because I've been so busy lately I get tired real quick. This has negative side effects, after I cooked and had dinner at home I'll fall asleep. Of course sleeping makes me regenerate the energy that I lost during the day, but the downside is, when I wake up it's kind of like bed time already and I can't do anything fun anymore. Sometimes this saddens me a bit.
This also makes me lose sight of what I really want to do during the day. I mean I can do a lot, but I don't feel like it..again haha. However I can't wait to go on holidays to London to visit my best friend and sister. Recently me and my girlfriend bought some nice suitcases as well! It's about two months left now.
Yeah I probably said what I wanted to, I guess it's time to start cooking now.
Well, I guess I see you guys again soon!
Ta-ta!
This time I want to talk about how fed up I have been lately.
The reason behind this is complications at work to be honest. Pressure plays a big part in this. Pressure and the fact that my colleagues probably see me as a 'different' person than others. I've been walking around with this idea for a while and finally decided to go with it; I'm going to inform all my co workers about my autism and hope it helps understand each other better. I wrote it all down, and I'm going to email it to them tomorrow morning when I'm at work. Let us hope for improvement!
Other than this, I've been busy, and one thing that bothers me the most is, because I've been so busy lately I get tired real quick. This has negative side effects, after I cooked and had dinner at home I'll fall asleep. Of course sleeping makes me regenerate the energy that I lost during the day, but the downside is, when I wake up it's kind of like bed time already and I can't do anything fun anymore. Sometimes this saddens me a bit.
This also makes me lose sight of what I really want to do during the day. I mean I can do a lot, but I don't feel like it..again haha. However I can't wait to go on holidays to London to visit my best friend and sister. Recently me and my girlfriend bought some nice suitcases as well! It's about two months left now.
Yeah I probably said what I wanted to, I guess it's time to start cooking now.
Well, I guess I see you guys again soon!
Ta-ta!
zondag 10 maart 2013
One step further
Hello everyone and welcome to my blog once more.
Today I want to talk about the fact that I'm looking for my own place. Not a rent house like the current one, no I'm looking to buy one. I want to take that one step further towards my future. My future together with my girlfriend, my future with children. I love children and I want at least one. Of course I am not planning on rushing things, please no. I just want to say that it's a small step towards the future that I want to work for. Previously I talked about how I stood still and nothing happened in my life. I came to realize I held on too tight on the old things, the old ways too much, afraid of change. A couple of days ago the quarter fell for me and I figured out that it was not the things around me, but me that stood still. The only way to accomplish things is to work towards them, and we're having a meeting with someone specialized in the house market soon! That's one step further towards our desired future.
Also I've been thinking about it for a while now, me and my girlfriend are together for 3 years upcoming Thursday. If everything goes well and I have the money for it I'd like to marry her next year or the one after.
At the moment this is all I had to say for now, the upcoming entry I will talk about some of my favorite things.
Stay tuned and thanks for reading!
Today I want to talk about the fact that I'm looking for my own place. Not a rent house like the current one, no I'm looking to buy one. I want to take that one step further towards my future. My future together with my girlfriend, my future with children. I love children and I want at least one. Of course I am not planning on rushing things, please no. I just want to say that it's a small step towards the future that I want to work for. Previously I talked about how I stood still and nothing happened in my life. I came to realize I held on too tight on the old things, the old ways too much, afraid of change. A couple of days ago the quarter fell for me and I figured out that it was not the things around me, but me that stood still. The only way to accomplish things is to work towards them, and we're having a meeting with someone specialized in the house market soon! That's one step further towards our desired future.
Also I've been thinking about it for a while now, me and my girlfriend are together for 3 years upcoming Thursday. If everything goes well and I have the money for it I'd like to marry her next year or the one after.
At the moment this is all I had to say for now, the upcoming entry I will talk about some of my favorite things.
Stay tuned and thanks for reading!
woensdag 20 februari 2013
Aspergers syndrome
Hello everyone!
Welcome once again, how are you all doing? Today I just wanted to leave a short notice; yesterday I found out from my psychiatrist I have the aspergers syndrome. I had some suspicions of me being authistic because of some things I do (differently). On one hand I feel relieved to know I can't really blame myself, but on the other hand I know it will always follow me. Today I decided to look it up on wikipedia just for the heck of it.. Well, it brought tears to my eyes because I never felt so understood. I could find myself in 99% what wiki told me. Next week my treatment starts and I hope it will improve me and my shortcomings. Anyhow I felt I had to share this. Take care and sleep well.
donderdag 14 februari 2013
Setbacks
Hello everyone and welcome once more.
Today I'm going to talk about setbacks. Everyone has them every now and then, some people have them all the time. Unfortunately, I'm one of the latter persons. Everytime I try to do something it doesn't work the way I want it to. When I find something new and fun to do something eventually have to spoil the fun for me.
Not at the beginning, no, someone must hate me this much that after I walked the long road to my destination, the destination doesn't seem to exist, if that makes sense. I don't mind things don't working out, but I do mind if things don't work out when you did your best and gave it your all. This makes me very sad and depressed, sometimes even make me wonder why I am still alive, and make me wonder what I did wrong in my life to keep deserving these kind of things. Why? Because it happens all the fucking time.
I'm pretty much sick of it, and makes me want to give up on everything I believe I can accomplish, I will only disappoint myself anyway.
Now with that out of the way I suppose I should feel a little better, but guess what, I do not. I feel like a piece of shit not worth anything, and my mind is so blocked of that anything you say doesn't make a difference. Things like this need time to heal, I've been knocked down too hard for me to be able to get up in one go. I need to take it step by step and eventually I'll recover.
At the moment I couldn't care less what happens in the world, for I am stuck in my own little dark world right now. After a good night sleep I probably feel a lot better and I am able to make a fresh start, but with less courage to try something new afraid of failing on it anyway.
I have to live with myself and sometimes I can't even stand myself. I hope you are more fortunate.
I think I've said all I wanted to say for today. Take care and hang in there.
Today I'm going to talk about setbacks. Everyone has them every now and then, some people have them all the time. Unfortunately, I'm one of the latter persons. Everytime I try to do something it doesn't work the way I want it to. When I find something new and fun to do something eventually have to spoil the fun for me.
Not at the beginning, no, someone must hate me this much that after I walked the long road to my destination, the destination doesn't seem to exist, if that makes sense. I don't mind things don't working out, but I do mind if things don't work out when you did your best and gave it your all. This makes me very sad and depressed, sometimes even make me wonder why I am still alive, and make me wonder what I did wrong in my life to keep deserving these kind of things. Why? Because it happens all the fucking time.
I'm pretty much sick of it, and makes me want to give up on everything I believe I can accomplish, I will only disappoint myself anyway.
Now with that out of the way I suppose I should feel a little better, but guess what, I do not. I feel like a piece of shit not worth anything, and my mind is so blocked of that anything you say doesn't make a difference. Things like this need time to heal, I've been knocked down too hard for me to be able to get up in one go. I need to take it step by step and eventually I'll recover.
At the moment I couldn't care less what happens in the world, for I am stuck in my own little dark world right now. After a good night sleep I probably feel a lot better and I am able to make a fresh start, but with less courage to try something new afraid of failing on it anyway.
I have to live with myself and sometimes I can't even stand myself. I hope you are more fortunate.
I think I've said all I wanted to say for today. Take care and hang in there.
dinsdag 29 januari 2013
Indifference of good men
Hello, hello!
Today I want to let something off my heart that's been bugging me for quite a while now. I hate the fact that people always use other people who have a weaker mind, can't say no, or know they will do things for them anyway. I am one of those people who is easy to make use of. I experienced it twice on a large scale, which pretty much left me with some sort of paranoid ideas that it happens all the time. Sort of like PTSD. The first time it happened to me I was fully aware of it. I just couldn't make it stop because I pretty much didn't have the confidence. The second time it happened behind my back and I am still bothered by this. I thought the person was my friend. I find it even harder to trust people because of this. Nowadays these kind of things still bother me.
Now to something different; it probably doesnt have anything to do with the above, but it does involve some paranoia. You know when you are among a group of people and everyone is fully aware that you are there, but pretends you aren't? Unless of course they need something from you. That's when they do know you exist. This happened at work twice. Today was the second time. I don't know how to feel about this, sometimes I feel like a ghost. Sometimes I wonder if I even exist. Ah enough about that now.
The weather sure is nice lately (except the rain). No cold and snow anymore! Can't wait for spring! I love the soft breezes and everything regaining color and coming to life. Ahh..
Well I am off now :)
Sleep well!
Today I want to let something off my heart that's been bugging me for quite a while now. I hate the fact that people always use other people who have a weaker mind, can't say no, or know they will do things for them anyway. I am one of those people who is easy to make use of. I experienced it twice on a large scale, which pretty much left me with some sort of paranoid ideas that it happens all the time. Sort of like PTSD. The first time it happened to me I was fully aware of it. I just couldn't make it stop because I pretty much didn't have the confidence. The second time it happened behind my back and I am still bothered by this. I thought the person was my friend. I find it even harder to trust people because of this. Nowadays these kind of things still bother me.
Now to something different; it probably doesnt have anything to do with the above, but it does involve some paranoia. You know when you are among a group of people and everyone is fully aware that you are there, but pretends you aren't? Unless of course they need something from you. That's when they do know you exist. This happened at work twice. Today was the second time. I don't know how to feel about this, sometimes I feel like a ghost. Sometimes I wonder if I even exist. Ah enough about that now.
The weather sure is nice lately (except the rain). No cold and snow anymore! Can't wait for spring! I love the soft breezes and everything regaining color and coming to life. Ahh..
Well I am off now :)
Sleep well!
maandag 28 januari 2013
Positive Vs negative emotions
Hello everyone and welcome once more,
This time I want to talk about positive and negative emotions.
Remember when you were small and couldn't wait for your birthday or Christmas?
Wondering what you will get from Santa or your parents? Being exited and happy? I remember how I used to be that exited when I was a kid. Years have gone past now, and I have the feeling I forgot how to be happy or exited. Sometimes I think I'm only good at showing negative emotions like anger, sadness, depression etc. Where did the happy go?
Sometimes when I take walks I begin to think in my own world, I love to walk through nature because it makes me calm and content. I still wonder where that feeling of true happiness went. I wonder if it's something that slowly goes away the older you get, or if it's just me?
For example; at the moment I can't wait to go on vacation to London in July. However I can't say I'm really exited about it that I want to scream it off the rooftops. Is this normal? I don't know..
Lets just say I miss some emotions I used to have as a kid, and I really want to have them back as soon as possible. That would make my life so much better.
Negative emotions on the other hand; I've got a basket full. The past week I have been depressed, depressed because I didn't know what to do, depressed because mainly my life is standing still. On top of that some small things happened to me, but when you feel like that, those small things suddenly become bigger and bigger. Especially if they follow each other up. Sunday however was a pretty good day I must say.
I still wish for progress in my life, sometimes I wonder if I suffer from a midlife crisis in my 20's. Kind of funny when you think about it! Also this year shall be my 25th anniversary, a quarter century. I feel like doing something big, something fun. I'll see about that though.
Sometimes I want to rant on here; things that went bad etc. etc. I figured that would only bore you guys, and at that time I probably don't think straight. Ah, before I forget Pro Persona contacted me for a treatment conversation; I hope this will help find my true self once again.
Finally here's the last thing I want to share with you guys;
Do you have a person you look up to? Do you sometimes wish you could be more like him/her? I sure do. I however don't have one person, I have many. Some not directly involved in my life ( for example characters from movies etc.) and some directly involved in my life like my dad, colleagues etc.
Sometimes I wish I was more social. I'm still scared to show myself in public, it goes a little better, but if suddenly all attention is focused on me I freak out. There are probably more things I wish I could do in comparison to what I can do now, but if I have to make a list it'll probably take ages, haha.
Sometimes I'm just not happy with who I am, sometimes I wonder who I am, and sometimes I wonder if I can change some things about me. One thing is certain, I can't do that alone.
Lately I figured out I don't like to be held (for too long). I remember my dad telling me I didn't like anyone holding me when I was a kid except for him. Sometimes I still feel that way, I guess I can't stand the fact that I can't move freely anymore..I don't know. Well either way, I'm out!
Have a great evening!
This time I want to talk about positive and negative emotions.
Remember when you were small and couldn't wait for your birthday or Christmas?
Wondering what you will get from Santa or your parents? Being exited and happy? I remember how I used to be that exited when I was a kid. Years have gone past now, and I have the feeling I forgot how to be happy or exited. Sometimes I think I'm only good at showing negative emotions like anger, sadness, depression etc. Where did the happy go?
Sometimes when I take walks I begin to think in my own world, I love to walk through nature because it makes me calm and content. I still wonder where that feeling of true happiness went. I wonder if it's something that slowly goes away the older you get, or if it's just me?
For example; at the moment I can't wait to go on vacation to London in July. However I can't say I'm really exited about it that I want to scream it off the rooftops. Is this normal? I don't know..
Lets just say I miss some emotions I used to have as a kid, and I really want to have them back as soon as possible. That would make my life so much better.
Negative emotions on the other hand; I've got a basket full. The past week I have been depressed, depressed because I didn't know what to do, depressed because mainly my life is standing still. On top of that some small things happened to me, but when you feel like that, those small things suddenly become bigger and bigger. Especially if they follow each other up. Sunday however was a pretty good day I must say.
I still wish for progress in my life, sometimes I wonder if I suffer from a midlife crisis in my 20's. Kind of funny when you think about it! Also this year shall be my 25th anniversary, a quarter century. I feel like doing something big, something fun. I'll see about that though.
Sometimes I want to rant on here; things that went bad etc. etc. I figured that would only bore you guys, and at that time I probably don't think straight. Ah, before I forget Pro Persona contacted me for a treatment conversation; I hope this will help find my true self once again.
Finally here's the last thing I want to share with you guys;
Do you have a person you look up to? Do you sometimes wish you could be more like him/her? I sure do. I however don't have one person, I have many. Some not directly involved in my life ( for example characters from movies etc.) and some directly involved in my life like my dad, colleagues etc.
Sometimes I wish I was more social. I'm still scared to show myself in public, it goes a little better, but if suddenly all attention is focused on me I freak out. There are probably more things I wish I could do in comparison to what I can do now, but if I have to make a list it'll probably take ages, haha.
Sometimes I'm just not happy with who I am, sometimes I wonder who I am, and sometimes I wonder if I can change some things about me. One thing is certain, I can't do that alone.
Lately I figured out I don't like to be held (for too long). I remember my dad telling me I didn't like anyone holding me when I was a kid except for him. Sometimes I still feel that way, I guess I can't stand the fact that I can't move freely anymore..I don't know. Well either way, I'm out!
Have a great evening!
donderdag 3 januari 2013
Clothes don't make the man
Hello everyone and welcome to my blog.
In this entry I will try to describe my personality and traits as close as possible.
First of all I never have been able to tell much about myself without anyone asking me questions. This is mainly because I don't know who I really am, sometimes I still don't. Sometimes I would try to be, or act like someone who impresses me, or with who I hang out with. As of lately I have been trying to be my real self, but this is sometimes not as easy as it seems. I have been to a psychiatrist ( first this was Hendriks & Rozenboom or something like that, and after that Pro Persona). The first diagnosed me with social fears, for example, I hate it when people look at me, scared of what they think of me. I hate to be in the center of attention and I'd rather be a person behind the scenes in general. I am also not very good with face to face conversations mainly because of this reason. Now most people will probably think I am weird, or not interested, but most of the time I am too shy to look directly at someone.
Well, second of all, at Pro Persona I have been diagnosed with a mild form of autism. I had my suspicion for quite a few years, I did things I could not explain, or knew why I was doing them in that particular way or order. Knowing this makes me feel a bit more peaceful, since I know the reason behind things. This however does not give me a reason to be a complete dick, so in advance I would like to apologize if I do something wrong, or something bad and I do not understand why it is that way.
At work they have these personality tests, and when given the chance I did them. This also helped me find out a bit about myself, and would make it easier to tell everyone else things about me that I didn't know how to put into words in the first place. The test is in Dutch, but I will do my very best to translate it as close as possible. Here goes:
I am a systematic and precise working person, who strives to perfection. I act in a orderly and in advance certain way, I am accurate and pay attention to details. I would rarely challenge or provoke anyone. I chose for a tactful and diplomatic approach. I will often show a good timing with taking the right decision at the right time. I am an extraordinary dutiful person. Therefor I shall scrupulous and consequently do my job.I desire a clear way of working and I don't like sudden changes or deviation of the given rules. I like to have a shared responsibility and I appreciate appreciation from my manager. I don't like to be away from my trusted environment for a long time. I need assignments that require precision and planning. When in doubt I shall council my manager or direct colleagues. Therefor I really appreciate a close cooperation and require support. When changes happen I would like to have a detailed explanation in advance.
Motivators:
Certainty, security, a trusted working environment, interest and appreciation are important motivators for me.
Keywords:
Careful, systematic, precise, diplomatic, logic, patience, predictable, well-considerate, critical, peaceful, reserved, contemplative and modest. Disciplined, compliant, concerned, thoughtful, conventional, perfectionism, reliable, restrained, amiable, persistent, nice, suspicious, serious, hesitating, low demanding, helpful and mellow.
General attributes:
- I have the ability to objectively judge others' situations and performance.
- This logical thinker strives to find the perfect solution.
- I am patient in most situations.
- Before acting or taking a decision I weigh out the consequences.
- I have extraordinary high demands.
- I collect details and finish an assignment as a whole.
- I prefer to work in a structured environment.
- This not aggressive individual doesn't like hostile situations.
Furthermore I have done another test that tests the following attributes:
Reason, Perception & Speed, Mental arithmetic & accuracy, Meaning of words and Spatial insight.
On a scale of 0 -100% I scored the following:
Reason: 75%
Perception and Speed: 56%
Mental arithmetic & Accuracy: 3%
Meaning of Words: 42%
Spatial insight: 84%
This concludes the test that I did at work. This test is mainly for my supervisors to see my ability to grow and learn, but it does show some characteristics of me, therefor I had to share a part of it with you.
Other than this information you have about me, you can look in my profile. At the moment I haven't updated it yet, but I will soon enough. If there is anything I can't share in my profile I will let you know via an entry.
I guess I finally ran out of things to say about me for the moment, but stay tuned for other random thoughts and things that happened to me, or things that I would just like to share.
Thank you for you time and god bless you.
In this entry I will try to describe my personality and traits as close as possible.
First of all I never have been able to tell much about myself without anyone asking me questions. This is mainly because I don't know who I really am, sometimes I still don't. Sometimes I would try to be, or act like someone who impresses me, or with who I hang out with. As of lately I have been trying to be my real self, but this is sometimes not as easy as it seems. I have been to a psychiatrist ( first this was Hendriks & Rozenboom or something like that, and after that Pro Persona). The first diagnosed me with social fears, for example, I hate it when people look at me, scared of what they think of me. I hate to be in the center of attention and I'd rather be a person behind the scenes in general. I am also not very good with face to face conversations mainly because of this reason. Now most people will probably think I am weird, or not interested, but most of the time I am too shy to look directly at someone.
Well, second of all, at Pro Persona I have been diagnosed with a mild form of autism. I had my suspicion for quite a few years, I did things I could not explain, or knew why I was doing them in that particular way or order. Knowing this makes me feel a bit more peaceful, since I know the reason behind things. This however does not give me a reason to be a complete dick, so in advance I would like to apologize if I do something wrong, or something bad and I do not understand why it is that way.
At work they have these personality tests, and when given the chance I did them. This also helped me find out a bit about myself, and would make it easier to tell everyone else things about me that I didn't know how to put into words in the first place. The test is in Dutch, but I will do my very best to translate it as close as possible. Here goes:
I am a systematic and precise working person, who strives to perfection. I act in a orderly and in advance certain way, I am accurate and pay attention to details. I would rarely challenge or provoke anyone. I chose for a tactful and diplomatic approach. I will often show a good timing with taking the right decision at the right time. I am an extraordinary dutiful person. Therefor I shall scrupulous and consequently do my job.I desire a clear way of working and I don't like sudden changes or deviation of the given rules. I like to have a shared responsibility and I appreciate appreciation from my manager. I don't like to be away from my trusted environment for a long time. I need assignments that require precision and planning. When in doubt I shall council my manager or direct colleagues. Therefor I really appreciate a close cooperation and require support. When changes happen I would like to have a detailed explanation in advance.
Motivators:
Certainty, security, a trusted working environment, interest and appreciation are important motivators for me.
Keywords:
Careful, systematic, precise, diplomatic, logic, patience, predictable, well-considerate, critical, peaceful, reserved, contemplative and modest. Disciplined, compliant, concerned, thoughtful, conventional, perfectionism, reliable, restrained, amiable, persistent, nice, suspicious, serious, hesitating, low demanding, helpful and mellow.
General attributes:
- I have the ability to objectively judge others' situations and performance.
- This logical thinker strives to find the perfect solution.
- I am patient in most situations.
- Before acting or taking a decision I weigh out the consequences.
- I have extraordinary high demands.
- I collect details and finish an assignment as a whole.
- I prefer to work in a structured environment.
- This not aggressive individual doesn't like hostile situations.
Furthermore I have done another test that tests the following attributes:
Reason, Perception & Speed, Mental arithmetic & accuracy, Meaning of words and Spatial insight.
On a scale of 0 -100% I scored the following:
Reason: 75%
Perception and Speed: 56%
Mental arithmetic & Accuracy: 3%
Meaning of Words: 42%
Spatial insight: 84%
This concludes the test that I did at work. This test is mainly for my supervisors to see my ability to grow and learn, but it does show some characteristics of me, therefor I had to share a part of it with you.
Other than this information you have about me, you can look in my profile. At the moment I haven't updated it yet, but I will soon enough. If there is anything I can't share in my profile I will let you know via an entry.
I guess I finally ran out of things to say about me for the moment, but stay tuned for other random thoughts and things that happened to me, or things that I would just like to share.
Thank you for you time and god bless you.
Lia
Hello everyone and welcome once again.
As promised this entry will be about a very special person to me; my closest friend and sister Lia.
I met Lia around 2006 on DeviantArt just like some other people. We spoke every now and then on MSN, slowly getting to know each other better and better. At the time I felt like I should watch over her and protect her, just like a big brother should. We grew very close and acted like real siblings, whenever she was feeling down I tried to be there for her to cheer her up, whenever I felt bad, she would always be there for me as well. We also shared many fun times. For example when I visited England twice (and a third time to come!) and when she visited us for a week. In those 6 years that has passed now (almost 7!) I saw her grow into the person she is now. We both grew, actually.
She didn't need my protection anymore, or at least not as much. At the time it made me feel a bit of a spectator than actually playing the game. However I did not realize that my "little" sister had grown into an adult woman.
We had a few downs and I have been acting like a jerk sometimes. For this I want to apologize.
There is probably a lot more I can say about you, sis, but I think you probably already know. For anyone else; it's not something I would like to, or be able to share.
Lia, you've always been there for me, you're the best friend and sister a guy can have and I'll try, and do my very best to mean the same to you as you do for me. Thank you for everything.
See you in the next entry; where I will try to describe my personality as good as possible!
Hang on tight!
As promised this entry will be about a very special person to me; my closest friend and sister Lia.
I met Lia around 2006 on DeviantArt just like some other people. We spoke every now and then on MSN, slowly getting to know each other better and better. At the time I felt like I should watch over her and protect her, just like a big brother should. We grew very close and acted like real siblings, whenever she was feeling down I tried to be there for her to cheer her up, whenever I felt bad, she would always be there for me as well. We also shared many fun times. For example when I visited England twice (and a third time to come!) and when she visited us for a week. In those 6 years that has passed now (almost 7!) I saw her grow into the person she is now. We both grew, actually.
She didn't need my protection anymore, or at least not as much. At the time it made me feel a bit of a spectator than actually playing the game. However I did not realize that my "little" sister had grown into an adult woman.
We had a few downs and I have been acting like a jerk sometimes. For this I want to apologize.
There is probably a lot more I can say about you, sis, but I think you probably already know. For anyone else; it's not something I would like to, or be able to share.
Lia, you've always been there for me, you're the best friend and sister a guy can have and I'll try, and do my very best to mean the same to you as you do for me. Thank you for everything.
See you in the next entry; where I will try to describe my personality as good as possible!
Hang on tight!
woensdag 2 januari 2013
Oh Internet
Hello and welcome again.
As promised here I will discuss the life I developed on internet, away from reality, away from everything else, except my very own created world on the internet. A world where I could be myself and where I was not the person with social fears. In real life I was continuously held back to be who I really was. Constantly adjusting to the people I hang out with. This is also one of the reasons I would rather be alone than with company. Nowadays this is different. There are a few persons where I can be myself, who understand me, and respect me. That however is a different story. Back on the subject.
We got our first computer when I was 12, at that time I really wanted to have one, mainly to play games.
In the end I didn't really care much about the computer, and would spend most of my time walking around aimlessly outside by myself. Back then I pretty much lived in my own Final Fantasy world.
Now sometime later we finally got internet. Fun and all, but the real fun started with MSN and forums.
I joined a final fantasy forum, which would later become an general rpg forum.
Met some people there, added them to my msn, and we would have a great time talking with each other.
I also met some girls on there, and I got really close friends with one in particular. I visited her a time or two, and I had the idea we would be friends, or perhaps something more for quite a long time. However times changed and eventually we grew apart. She changed. The ever so innocent and smiling girl I used to know back then changed into a dark person beyond saving. Before that happened though I met some other people there too. We had a sort of community thing, where I would be everyone's big brother, because I was one of the oldest. Via some of those friends I met my girlfriend when I was 14. Things went sour when we had our first forum meeting in Rotterdam and I took my girlfriend with me. When we were taking a rest at one of the benches on the square in front of the cinema, she laid down on the bench, placing her head on another guy's lap. I was puzzled by this and didn't know what to do. Being the person I am, I didn't say anything.
Before I continue I want to say this; most of the things here probably aren't in chronological order, just writing down what comes to mind. My apologies for this!
Well, there used to be this other guy..he was my friend, I trusted him. I used to cheer him up and be there for him whenever he needed someone. Mainly when he had problems with his girlfriend. One day he decided to make a new MSN address and delete the old one. He wrote this in his name: "If you didn't get an invite I probably don't like you." I felt back-stabbed. How could he? After all I have been there for him many times. After a conversation we parted ways.
There was also this girl who first never wanted to give me her email address. After my long time nagging she finally gave me her email and I added her to msn. She never told me her real name. We have known each other for a good 10 to 11 years before I decided to stop using msn last year. She was a great person to talk to though, even though we didn't speak that much.
Prior to this, a couple of years back when I was 14, I used to hang out with this guy at school who was in my cousin's class. He had a crush on her. Lets say I was the one who brought them together, but eventually they ditched me, and never spoke to me again. After this I decided to take my distance on my family as well. From that day on, the only persons of my family I cared about the most were my mom, dad and brother.
Well lets see...it was about close to the end of the rpg forum era where I messed up something big. I had been telling lies to my friends about certain events I made up that didn't happen. I decided to be straight with them, this only worked against me, and I lost the trust of all my friends. When I wanted to explain this to a person I thought was my friend, instead of helping me he turned against me too. Later I found out he had a crush on my close friend. Figures. Either way, that was probably one of the darkest periods in my life. I lost all I had, all I care about. For the next couple of days I found myself in a bottomless well with nothing but dark clouds around me. It was then that I met my friend, the person I called brother for many years.
I had him on my msn list for an unknown reason, I probably met him at the rpg forum as well. Either way he felt pretty sad too, his mum was an alcoholic and since I was pretty fucked up myself I decided to talk to him cheer each other up. We became the closest friends guys could be.
I visited him, and we had a great time, he visited me and it was nice too. For some reason we drifted apart. Up until this day I still hope we could talk again like the old times. I guess that part of faith wasn't meant to be. I didn't speak to him in a long time and I think I probably never will again.
Somewhere in between that time I joined the art community site DeviantArt. There I would upload my drawings and meet a lot of people. One of them is my closest friend and dear sister Lia whom I will feature in my next entry.
I met one of my previous girlfriends on DA as well. This shamefully turned out bad, mainly because of the distance. I met some people, but we grew apart. Via them I also had another girlfriend who was going to visit me. We had everything planned, and I went to the airport to pick her up, eventually she never showed up. Said she would be a week later. Cautious after what happened the first time I stayed at home, just to learn she couldn't make it again.
There also was this other girl, to me she seemed lonely, but nice. I tried to be there for her and I guess she liked the fact that I did, when every other friend she would have in real life ditched her. We became close-to-close friends. Unfortunately she didn't talk much to me after a while. I first visited England to meet my sister Lia with this girl. She went with me the second time I went to England with my current girlfriend. When we were here we wanted to visit places. This girl didn't. Later we learned that she talked behind our back saying that we were the persons who didn't want to go anywhere. She would also treat Lia with disrespect and only talk to her whenever she needed something, or talk to us when she needed something. This is where we all decided to ditch her. Last thing I heard of her is her asking if she did anything wrong.
Now, meanwhile I met this other person, boy she was manipulative, and probably not 100% in the head. I had to do anything for her. She would always be depressed and if I couldn't cheer her up I was not a good friend. It was pretty stressful for me. Whenever I wanted to talk about something bad that happened to me she wouldn't listen because whatever happened to her was worse anyway. The thing is she probably had a multiple personality disorder.
Via her I got into contact with a girl, real nice and cute. She became my girlfriend. Little did I know she didn't exist. She had me fooled for two years. Why did she do this? Attention? I don't know. It got worse when I went to visit Sweden where she lived. Hoping to see my "girlfriend" there, I was allowed to stay at my "friend's" house. She bored me for two long weeks. I kept asking if I would see my "girlfriend". She always made up a reason why she couldn't see me. Little did I know she didn't exist.
Slowly I decided to take my distance on her, before finally deleting her from my msn. At this time I was close friends with the girl from the previous paragraph and of course, close friends with Lia.
Once again some other people came and went, and somewhere around this time I got into contact with my current girlfriend via a commission request. I have talked about this in a previous entry if I'm correct. The price for the artwork would be 5 euros. This very 5 euros we put in an envelope and pasted it in our scrapbook. At this point all I have is my girlfriend Josca and my sister Lia. I decided these were the persons I wanted to share the rest of my life with.
I moved to Arnhem, met some friends of Josca, some of them are pretty close friends of mine too.
I work with a colleague and me and him get along well too, even though he's in a whole different type of life from me. I am happy as it is now, and I think I have left my internet life behind me. Mainly because I live together with my girlfriend now and me and Lia are more than just internet friends. We have met a few times in real life, so for me, that doesn't count as internet friend anymore.
This concludes my life on the internet. If I forgot anything I am sorry, or I probably don't remember.
The next entry I want to dedicate to my best friend, my closest friend and my dear sister Lia.
See you then!
As promised here I will discuss the life I developed on internet, away from reality, away from everything else, except my very own created world on the internet. A world where I could be myself and where I was not the person with social fears. In real life I was continuously held back to be who I really was. Constantly adjusting to the people I hang out with. This is also one of the reasons I would rather be alone than with company. Nowadays this is different. There are a few persons where I can be myself, who understand me, and respect me. That however is a different story. Back on the subject.
We got our first computer when I was 12, at that time I really wanted to have one, mainly to play games.
In the end I didn't really care much about the computer, and would spend most of my time walking around aimlessly outside by myself. Back then I pretty much lived in my own Final Fantasy world.
Now sometime later we finally got internet. Fun and all, but the real fun started with MSN and forums.
I joined a final fantasy forum, which would later become an general rpg forum.
Met some people there, added them to my msn, and we would have a great time talking with each other.
I also met some girls on there, and I got really close friends with one in particular. I visited her a time or two, and I had the idea we would be friends, or perhaps something more for quite a long time. However times changed and eventually we grew apart. She changed. The ever so innocent and smiling girl I used to know back then changed into a dark person beyond saving. Before that happened though I met some other people there too. We had a sort of community thing, where I would be everyone's big brother, because I was one of the oldest. Via some of those friends I met my girlfriend when I was 14. Things went sour when we had our first forum meeting in Rotterdam and I took my girlfriend with me. When we were taking a rest at one of the benches on the square in front of the cinema, she laid down on the bench, placing her head on another guy's lap. I was puzzled by this and didn't know what to do. Being the person I am, I didn't say anything.
Before I continue I want to say this; most of the things here probably aren't in chronological order, just writing down what comes to mind. My apologies for this!
Well, there used to be this other guy..he was my friend, I trusted him. I used to cheer him up and be there for him whenever he needed someone. Mainly when he had problems with his girlfriend. One day he decided to make a new MSN address and delete the old one. He wrote this in his name: "If you didn't get an invite I probably don't like you." I felt back-stabbed. How could he? After all I have been there for him many times. After a conversation we parted ways.
There was also this girl who first never wanted to give me her email address. After my long time nagging she finally gave me her email and I added her to msn. She never told me her real name. We have known each other for a good 10 to 11 years before I decided to stop using msn last year. She was a great person to talk to though, even though we didn't speak that much.
Prior to this, a couple of years back when I was 14, I used to hang out with this guy at school who was in my cousin's class. He had a crush on her. Lets say I was the one who brought them together, but eventually they ditched me, and never spoke to me again. After this I decided to take my distance on my family as well. From that day on, the only persons of my family I cared about the most were my mom, dad and brother.
Well lets see...it was about close to the end of the rpg forum era where I messed up something big. I had been telling lies to my friends about certain events I made up that didn't happen. I decided to be straight with them, this only worked against me, and I lost the trust of all my friends. When I wanted to explain this to a person I thought was my friend, instead of helping me he turned against me too. Later I found out he had a crush on my close friend. Figures. Either way, that was probably one of the darkest periods in my life. I lost all I had, all I care about. For the next couple of days I found myself in a bottomless well with nothing but dark clouds around me. It was then that I met my friend, the person I called brother for many years.
I had him on my msn list for an unknown reason, I probably met him at the rpg forum as well. Either way he felt pretty sad too, his mum was an alcoholic and since I was pretty fucked up myself I decided to talk to him cheer each other up. We became the closest friends guys could be.
I visited him, and we had a great time, he visited me and it was nice too. For some reason we drifted apart. Up until this day I still hope we could talk again like the old times. I guess that part of faith wasn't meant to be. I didn't speak to him in a long time and I think I probably never will again.
Somewhere in between that time I joined the art community site DeviantArt. There I would upload my drawings and meet a lot of people. One of them is my closest friend and dear sister Lia whom I will feature in my next entry.
I met one of my previous girlfriends on DA as well. This shamefully turned out bad, mainly because of the distance. I met some people, but we grew apart. Via them I also had another girlfriend who was going to visit me. We had everything planned, and I went to the airport to pick her up, eventually she never showed up. Said she would be a week later. Cautious after what happened the first time I stayed at home, just to learn she couldn't make it again.
There also was this other girl, to me she seemed lonely, but nice. I tried to be there for her and I guess she liked the fact that I did, when every other friend she would have in real life ditched her. We became close-to-close friends. Unfortunately she didn't talk much to me after a while. I first visited England to meet my sister Lia with this girl. She went with me the second time I went to England with my current girlfriend. When we were here we wanted to visit places. This girl didn't. Later we learned that she talked behind our back saying that we were the persons who didn't want to go anywhere. She would also treat Lia with disrespect and only talk to her whenever she needed something, or talk to us when she needed something. This is where we all decided to ditch her. Last thing I heard of her is her asking if she did anything wrong.
Now, meanwhile I met this other person, boy she was manipulative, and probably not 100% in the head. I had to do anything for her. She would always be depressed and if I couldn't cheer her up I was not a good friend. It was pretty stressful for me. Whenever I wanted to talk about something bad that happened to me she wouldn't listen because whatever happened to her was worse anyway. The thing is she probably had a multiple personality disorder.
Via her I got into contact with a girl, real nice and cute. She became my girlfriend. Little did I know she didn't exist. She had me fooled for two years. Why did she do this? Attention? I don't know. It got worse when I went to visit Sweden where she lived. Hoping to see my "girlfriend" there, I was allowed to stay at my "friend's" house. She bored me for two long weeks. I kept asking if I would see my "girlfriend". She always made up a reason why she couldn't see me. Little did I know she didn't exist.
Slowly I decided to take my distance on her, before finally deleting her from my msn. At this time I was close friends with the girl from the previous paragraph and of course, close friends with Lia.
Once again some other people came and went, and somewhere around this time I got into contact with my current girlfriend via a commission request. I have talked about this in a previous entry if I'm correct. The price for the artwork would be 5 euros. This very 5 euros we put in an envelope and pasted it in our scrapbook. At this point all I have is my girlfriend Josca and my sister Lia. I decided these were the persons I wanted to share the rest of my life with.
I moved to Arnhem, met some friends of Josca, some of them are pretty close friends of mine too.
I work with a colleague and me and him get along well too, even though he's in a whole different type of life from me. I am happy as it is now, and I think I have left my internet life behind me. Mainly because I live together with my girlfriend now and me and Lia are more than just internet friends. We have met a few times in real life, so for me, that doesn't count as internet friend anymore.
This concludes my life on the internet. If I forgot anything I am sorry, or I probably don't remember.
The next entry I want to dedicate to my best friend, my closest friend and my dear sister Lia.
See you then!
dinsdag 1 januari 2013
Train to destiny
The year 2005.
I changed schools and once again I was pretty much of a loner. Tried to make friends but it didn't work too well. Eventually I found a group of people I thought I belonged with. I do not regret meeting them because back then we had the time of our lives. At least I did.
In the group I hung out with I particularly hung out with this one person. We were pretty much alike. He lived with his ill mother who lived from welfare, same as my parents. He didn't have much to live with, so I felt attracted to him. We would become best friends and we often stayed at each others houses. I stayed more at his place than he at mine though. Well, not much I can say about these two years except they went okay.
Because of my friend I met someone else he used to be on high school with, he became one of my best friends too, via him I got into contact with some of his friends and we often would hang out together, playing soccer on the grass field up until midnight. I slowly took my distance from the friend at school because of the things that he was into which was mainly drinking and smoking weed. I drank too at that time, but eventually I saw myself wanting a drink whenever I felt depressed or sad. My dad used to drink too. Sometimes I believe too much. This had been going on for years prior to this. He eventually stopped, though. Anyway I decided my classmate wasn't my type of person to hang out with so I took my distance. Mainly after hearing his father threatened him and his mother with a knife once. Either way so back to the grass fields...those were great times. That friend helped me get a paper round around when I was 17 years old. It was a great job and sometimes I regret not being able to do it anymore. But I have grown older.
We used to play counter-strike source while being on skype. Those people were great to hang out with, we often went to each other's houses to watch movies as well. Something however didn't feel right and I felt I was continuously misunderstood. This led to me exploding in front of all of them, and once again took distance to them. I cannot blame anyone for this except myself. In the year 2007 I had to take my internship and exams. It was also around this time I had my doubts about my education. Up until this day I still think I didn't do the right thing. However if I you would ask me if I would want to do it over I wouldn't want to.
I passed my exam and my internship with flying colors and I gained my diploma of System Manager. I continued to do this job for a good 2 months after my internship at the same company. I wanted to have a year of free time for myself. Work for a while before I was going to art school. This was a school I never went to. In fact, I haven't been to school ever since. Sometimes I regret this.
Anyway, to continue where I left off, I quit my job at my internship place and found a new one.
production employer at a meat processing company. I worked one year as a production employer, had a few laughs with old man Jan. He would often stress about nothing which made me laugh. I was a bit of a slacker though, but I did do pretty hard work. When someone fell ill on the expedition section of the company they asked me if I could stand in. Feeling like I was up to some change I accepted. Not knowing I would be there forever. I liked the job a lot, and I mean a lot. It was heavy yes, stressful sometimes, but I loved the responsibility and the opportunity to manage my own work instead of someone telling me what to do. Of course I still work under someone, but I decided my own order. My job was to track and make ready of orders for the customer. However this job also had a downside, I start 7:30 in the morning, but god only knew when I was going to be home. Sometimes I would work up until 22:00 in the evening. This was because we only get to go home when all orders for the day were done.
Now because of me having trouble with physical contact with people, and now because of my job I had quite a few internet girlfriends. Shameful now that I think of it. My first one was when I was 13, nothing serious, but for me it was at that time. The second one when I was 14. I would visit the latter by train every weekend, or she would visit me. After that I had a few "girlfriends" here and there..all around the world as well. There is also something about that other life of me I would like to share with you. Lets call that part my internetlife. You shall read of it in my next entry.
Back on the failtrain (lol), I met a person via Deviantart. I used to draw quite a lot and would upload my artwork there. I put up a journal wondering if anyone was interested in buying a commission of me. She being the random stranger she was at that time wanted to buy an artwork. I agreed, and then we came into contact. We became pretty close, and would talk for hours on msn, skype and telephone. She eventually came to visit me one day in March 2010, and we have been together ever since.
It was also around this time my family fell apart. My mum wanted a divorce. I had some trouble going on around that time with my parents. Not sure who was my friend, who was my enemy, or even what was going on. I believe it was even harder for my brother. ( My brother was born on February 2nd 1997). Looking back now, I think that time changed me from a boy to a man. I stood tall and supported my parents, mainly my dad where I could. They live separately now, divorced. My brother lives with my father, and our dog. My dad has a decent job, and I believe he is a happier man now.
Around this time in October, me and my girlfriend started to live together in Arnhem. I quit my job, kissed the city I was born in goodbye with a good bitch-slap and went on my way. (I never had been proud of Rotterdam, it's too busy for my liking and too much criminality...) Leaving almost anything I had behind there I started a new life. Little fishes grow big and so did I.
I lived here in a studio room for a year. Worked as a household waste pickup on the back of a garbage truck for 2 months just to get a living, they were trying to ditch me. I don't know why, someone must not have liked me and talked ill around my back to the management. Well I am glad they did, because this made me go to the job center where they gave me this job, and they offered a new one. I of course decided and I still work there at the moment.
I am now responsible for loading keys and software into point-of-sale terminals at CCV Holland.
I now work there over 2 years (probably 2 years and a month now) and it's a fun job, once again one with a lot of responsibility and freedom in how about I order my job. It's a high classified job though, so I can't go into too much detail. In this short 2 years I finally gained a permanent contract in april 2012. However because they were also firing someone at that time I was advised to keep my mouth shut. I did this, but this eventually made it harder on myself to hide this. I was planning on telling my colleagues in april 2013 and I probably will.
In December 2011 I moved from our studio to a one room apartment with my girlfriend and I still live there now. I enjoy living here, although I eventually move out of the center of the city and live in a more quiet area which is good enough to raise children as I want to have children at some point in my life.
I am Mike Perez Santana, and I live with my girlfriend Josca van der Meijden.
We have three cats; Rosalina, Toothless, and Altaïr.
This is my life up until now, and I enjoy it.
In the next entry you can read about the internetlife, which I will write tomorrow.
I hope you enjoyed it and got to know me a little bit better.
Over and out.
I changed schools and once again I was pretty much of a loner. Tried to make friends but it didn't work too well. Eventually I found a group of people I thought I belonged with. I do not regret meeting them because back then we had the time of our lives. At least I did.
In the group I hung out with I particularly hung out with this one person. We were pretty much alike. He lived with his ill mother who lived from welfare, same as my parents. He didn't have much to live with, so I felt attracted to him. We would become best friends and we often stayed at each others houses. I stayed more at his place than he at mine though. Well, not much I can say about these two years except they went okay.
Because of my friend I met someone else he used to be on high school with, he became one of my best friends too, via him I got into contact with some of his friends and we often would hang out together, playing soccer on the grass field up until midnight. I slowly took my distance from the friend at school because of the things that he was into which was mainly drinking and smoking weed. I drank too at that time, but eventually I saw myself wanting a drink whenever I felt depressed or sad. My dad used to drink too. Sometimes I believe too much. This had been going on for years prior to this. He eventually stopped, though. Anyway I decided my classmate wasn't my type of person to hang out with so I took my distance. Mainly after hearing his father threatened him and his mother with a knife once. Either way so back to the grass fields...those were great times. That friend helped me get a paper round around when I was 17 years old. It was a great job and sometimes I regret not being able to do it anymore. But I have grown older.
We used to play counter-strike source while being on skype. Those people were great to hang out with, we often went to each other's houses to watch movies as well. Something however didn't feel right and I felt I was continuously misunderstood. This led to me exploding in front of all of them, and once again took distance to them. I cannot blame anyone for this except myself. In the year 2007 I had to take my internship and exams. It was also around this time I had my doubts about my education. Up until this day I still think I didn't do the right thing. However if I you would ask me if I would want to do it over I wouldn't want to.
I passed my exam and my internship with flying colors and I gained my diploma of System Manager. I continued to do this job for a good 2 months after my internship at the same company. I wanted to have a year of free time for myself. Work for a while before I was going to art school. This was a school I never went to. In fact, I haven't been to school ever since. Sometimes I regret this.
Anyway, to continue where I left off, I quit my job at my internship place and found a new one.
production employer at a meat processing company. I worked one year as a production employer, had a few laughs with old man Jan. He would often stress about nothing which made me laugh. I was a bit of a slacker though, but I did do pretty hard work. When someone fell ill on the expedition section of the company they asked me if I could stand in. Feeling like I was up to some change I accepted. Not knowing I would be there forever. I liked the job a lot, and I mean a lot. It was heavy yes, stressful sometimes, but I loved the responsibility and the opportunity to manage my own work instead of someone telling me what to do. Of course I still work under someone, but I decided my own order. My job was to track and make ready of orders for the customer. However this job also had a downside, I start 7:30 in the morning, but god only knew when I was going to be home. Sometimes I would work up until 22:00 in the evening. This was because we only get to go home when all orders for the day were done.
Now because of me having trouble with physical contact with people, and now because of my job I had quite a few internet girlfriends. Shameful now that I think of it. My first one was when I was 13, nothing serious, but for me it was at that time. The second one when I was 14. I would visit the latter by train every weekend, or she would visit me. After that I had a few "girlfriends" here and there..all around the world as well. There is also something about that other life of me I would like to share with you. Lets call that part my internetlife. You shall read of it in my next entry.
Back on the failtrain (lol), I met a person via Deviantart. I used to draw quite a lot and would upload my artwork there. I put up a journal wondering if anyone was interested in buying a commission of me. She being the random stranger she was at that time wanted to buy an artwork. I agreed, and then we came into contact. We became pretty close, and would talk for hours on msn, skype and telephone. She eventually came to visit me one day in March 2010, and we have been together ever since.
It was also around this time my family fell apart. My mum wanted a divorce. I had some trouble going on around that time with my parents. Not sure who was my friend, who was my enemy, or even what was going on. I believe it was even harder for my brother. ( My brother was born on February 2nd 1997). Looking back now, I think that time changed me from a boy to a man. I stood tall and supported my parents, mainly my dad where I could. They live separately now, divorced. My brother lives with my father, and our dog. My dad has a decent job, and I believe he is a happier man now.
Around this time in October, me and my girlfriend started to live together in Arnhem. I quit my job, kissed the city I was born in goodbye with a good bitch-slap and went on my way. (I never had been proud of Rotterdam, it's too busy for my liking and too much criminality...) Leaving almost anything I had behind there I started a new life. Little fishes grow big and so did I.
I lived here in a studio room for a year. Worked as a household waste pickup on the back of a garbage truck for 2 months just to get a living, they were trying to ditch me. I don't know why, someone must not have liked me and talked ill around my back to the management. Well I am glad they did, because this made me go to the job center where they gave me this job, and they offered a new one. I of course decided and I still work there at the moment.
I am now responsible for loading keys and software into point-of-sale terminals at CCV Holland.
I now work there over 2 years (probably 2 years and a month now) and it's a fun job, once again one with a lot of responsibility and freedom in how about I order my job. It's a high classified job though, so I can't go into too much detail. In this short 2 years I finally gained a permanent contract in april 2012. However because they were also firing someone at that time I was advised to keep my mouth shut. I did this, but this eventually made it harder on myself to hide this. I was planning on telling my colleagues in april 2013 and I probably will.
In December 2011 I moved from our studio to a one room apartment with my girlfriend and I still live there now. I enjoy living here, although I eventually move out of the center of the city and live in a more quiet area which is good enough to raise children as I want to have children at some point in my life.
I am Mike Perez Santana, and I live with my girlfriend Josca van der Meijden.
We have three cats; Rosalina, Toothless, and Altaïr.
This is my life up until now, and I enjoy it.
In the next entry you can read about the internetlife, which I will write tomorrow.
I hope you enjoyed it and got to know me a little bit better.
Over and out.
Y2K
Hello everyone and thanks for reading my blog.
Here I will continue where I left off in my previous entry. I am sorry to jump directly into action, but I've got no time to lose! Haha...well anyway here we go!
In the year 2000 I finished primary school and would go to high school, but not before going on vacation to the birthplace of my father (who wouldn't want to go along for reasons I still don't know); the Canary Islands, mainly Gran Canaria. I got to meet my other side of the family, which I like much better than my mother's side of the family, even though I could not communicate with them. Something I am pretty much ashamed of. Anyway I had a good time I think, and I got pretty brown that time too. It was the first time (and the last up until now) that I visited that place ever since I was a baby. Shameful. I hope I am able to go there sometime soon, and when I go, I speak the language. My language.
With high school starting in a few months I decided to be a different person than I was on primary school. I was not going to get bullied anymore, and I tried to make new friends.
New friends I did make; but the wrong ones. Not going into much detail here; but eventually the story went like this: Someone nicked a mobile phone from a car. The police would come to our school to pick him up. Secretly the phone got handed over to another "friend" of mine. The phone being redhot was passed through to someone else again, who decided to put it in my backpack secretly. I noticed this, and told him off. Not being able to let my "friend" down I accepted anyway. They all got taken out of the class for interrogation. Somewhere my name must have fallen because I got taken out too. They told me to tell them a certain story. After telling the same story 3 or 4 times they still didn't believe me. It was 6 PM already and I knew my parents would probably be worried. I decided to spill it and rat out on my friends. They knew something like this went on, so I shamefully altered my story to them so my name was "clear" in front of them. Never again I wanted friends like this. In the second year I was pretty much of a loner. No one talked to me and I didn't talk to anybody. Up until we were at geography class talking about tsunami's. One person in the class mentioned he had a game where tsunami was a certain attack. Being the Final Fantasy fan that I was back in the days I decided to take up all my courage and talk to this person.
He became my best friend at the time. Where he went, I went too. Unfortunately there was someone who was his friend and didn't like me at all. He would often take my friend away from me and try to ditch me one way or another, which made me very very sad.
In the second year I also got into a major fight with a person from another school who used to hang out in our courtyard. We had a fist fight that very first day, in which I gained the upper hand. This because I was pretty pissed about something that happened previously in class which I don't remember at this time. Anyway, after realizing what was really going on I got scared. This person kept coming back, looking for me, picking fights again and again. I got so scared I was afraid to go home, and even make myself get hit by a car so he wouldn't attack me. Eventually I had a talk with the school's direction whom would sort things out for me and they did.
The third year was pretty much ok, nothing to complain, still being friends with the same person I met in the second year, I would stay at his house from time to time, and it was fun. I had the feeling I was someone. I got respected for the first time in my life by the whole class. Except one person. A Spaniard. Normally you would say we would get along. But not him. Why? I was probably jealous. He had a thing with girls, everybody liked him. He spoke Spanish fluently, and would often mock me that I didn't. I still am not sure if he was my friend or enemy, either way he never did me any harm.
Now..there was a classroom that was never locked, because it was supposed to be a fire exit. In breaks we would often chill out there because of the peace and quiet around us. I found out that the drawers in the desk were unlocked as well. There was a book in it with all answers from our economics class. I took the book, I stole it. Why I don't know...probably the thrill of it seemed like fun.
My classmate hid it in his locker, and nobody could ever found out who took it. Up until the day we were in that very same room, and I was trying to pry open the locker with a paperclip. The teacher walked in and saw me. Immediately accused me of stealing everything that was ever stolen, he took me to the warrant-manager. She believed I was innocent, and searched through my backpack. Of course nothing was found and I was free. But that teacher never gave up on suspecting me. Every little thing I did wrong he took his chance to scold me. I don't blame him...
We also were pretty good friends with the janitor. He often would let us use his computer to go on MSN and internet. Good times! There was also this friend who lived very close to my house who would often cycle with me back home. Despite her looks (she always looked a bit grumpy, but this was probably just to scare certain people off) she was pretty nice. She would try to help me when there was a girl I had a crush on...but that didn't work out pretty well.
My best friend eventually walked the wrong path in my eyes. We drank, which was no problem for me at all, I gladly joined them...but then he started to smoke weed. This was going too far for me, so I took my distance.
When the exams came I passed them with flying colors...pretty easy, nothing to complain.
I was pretty much behind my computer the whole day after school so I decided I wanted to do something with IT. And so it happened. At this time I probably figured out I had a crush on the girl I cycled home with every day. I hardly saw her anymore anyway.
I went to the same college as my best friend, but we ended up in different classes, I went down the managing part, while he went down the designers part. This also helped me maintain my distance towards him and eventually we drifted apart.
Once again I was pretty much of a loner. I met some people but I didn't grow close with them.
There was this guy, whose birthday was the same day as mine, except he was born a year earlier. People sort of bullied him, and I immediately decided to stand up for him. we became friends. He was a smart guy, but we didn't end up being such close friends at all.
There was this tall guy over there who would touch me on the shoulder and at my back saying things like you are my boyfriend. The whole year he never bothered me, or anyone, and around the end of the year he decided to do something like this. I talked to my mentor about this and he never did it again. This was mainly because we never saw him around the school again anyway. It was also around this time I had a crush on a girl from a different class. I would often see her in the media library. I wrote her a poem, and finally gained the courage to give it to her when we were along in the elevator. She asked me who wrote it. I said I did, but she never said anything back and when she saw me she would turn her head and walk away. Well, her loss I guess. I didn't bother her anymore after this.
At this time I decided that I didn't like the school nor the education and I decided to leave the school.
I though; but not before I created some ruckus. Well, there used to be someone who called themselves the Skittles king, with a hotmail address. They would send obscure pictures to everyone from our class. Now we figured out who these persons were because they would often eat skittles. I decided to do the same, but then with Snickers. I would be the Snickersking, but I took it a step further, perhaps a step too far. I mailed pictures to even teachers. Never got into any trouble, but once there was a guy, who could not appreciate it. He was a student, and looked like he just stepped out of the matrix. I sent him a picture of Neo. He went to his mentor, who in return found out it was me doing this. Saying that if I wasn't planning on leaving the school I would get suspended.
Well, I didn't. I changed schools and I thought I finally found my place. ICT system manager.
Once again because of the lenght of this entry I shall continue in the next!
Stay with me, I'm almost through!
Here I will continue where I left off in my previous entry. I am sorry to jump directly into action, but I've got no time to lose! Haha...well anyway here we go!
In the year 2000 I finished primary school and would go to high school, but not before going on vacation to the birthplace of my father (who wouldn't want to go along for reasons I still don't know); the Canary Islands, mainly Gran Canaria. I got to meet my other side of the family, which I like much better than my mother's side of the family, even though I could not communicate with them. Something I am pretty much ashamed of. Anyway I had a good time I think, and I got pretty brown that time too. It was the first time (and the last up until now) that I visited that place ever since I was a baby. Shameful. I hope I am able to go there sometime soon, and when I go, I speak the language. My language.
With high school starting in a few months I decided to be a different person than I was on primary school. I was not going to get bullied anymore, and I tried to make new friends.
New friends I did make; but the wrong ones. Not going into much detail here; but eventually the story went like this: Someone nicked a mobile phone from a car. The police would come to our school to pick him up. Secretly the phone got handed over to another "friend" of mine. The phone being redhot was passed through to someone else again, who decided to put it in my backpack secretly. I noticed this, and told him off. Not being able to let my "friend" down I accepted anyway. They all got taken out of the class for interrogation. Somewhere my name must have fallen because I got taken out too. They told me to tell them a certain story. After telling the same story 3 or 4 times they still didn't believe me. It was 6 PM already and I knew my parents would probably be worried. I decided to spill it and rat out on my friends. They knew something like this went on, so I shamefully altered my story to them so my name was "clear" in front of them. Never again I wanted friends like this. In the second year I was pretty much of a loner. No one talked to me and I didn't talk to anybody. Up until we were at geography class talking about tsunami's. One person in the class mentioned he had a game where tsunami was a certain attack. Being the Final Fantasy fan that I was back in the days I decided to take up all my courage and talk to this person.
He became my best friend at the time. Where he went, I went too. Unfortunately there was someone who was his friend and didn't like me at all. He would often take my friend away from me and try to ditch me one way or another, which made me very very sad.
In the second year I also got into a major fight with a person from another school who used to hang out in our courtyard. We had a fist fight that very first day, in which I gained the upper hand. This because I was pretty pissed about something that happened previously in class which I don't remember at this time. Anyway, after realizing what was really going on I got scared. This person kept coming back, looking for me, picking fights again and again. I got so scared I was afraid to go home, and even make myself get hit by a car so he wouldn't attack me. Eventually I had a talk with the school's direction whom would sort things out for me and they did.
The third year was pretty much ok, nothing to complain, still being friends with the same person I met in the second year, I would stay at his house from time to time, and it was fun. I had the feeling I was someone. I got respected for the first time in my life by the whole class. Except one person. A Spaniard. Normally you would say we would get along. But not him. Why? I was probably jealous. He had a thing with girls, everybody liked him. He spoke Spanish fluently, and would often mock me that I didn't. I still am not sure if he was my friend or enemy, either way he never did me any harm.
Now..there was a classroom that was never locked, because it was supposed to be a fire exit. In breaks we would often chill out there because of the peace and quiet around us. I found out that the drawers in the desk were unlocked as well. There was a book in it with all answers from our economics class. I took the book, I stole it. Why I don't know...probably the thrill of it seemed like fun.
My classmate hid it in his locker, and nobody could ever found out who took it. Up until the day we were in that very same room, and I was trying to pry open the locker with a paperclip. The teacher walked in and saw me. Immediately accused me of stealing everything that was ever stolen, he took me to the warrant-manager. She believed I was innocent, and searched through my backpack. Of course nothing was found and I was free. But that teacher never gave up on suspecting me. Every little thing I did wrong he took his chance to scold me. I don't blame him...
We also were pretty good friends with the janitor. He often would let us use his computer to go on MSN and internet. Good times! There was also this friend who lived very close to my house who would often cycle with me back home. Despite her looks (she always looked a bit grumpy, but this was probably just to scare certain people off) she was pretty nice. She would try to help me when there was a girl I had a crush on...but that didn't work out pretty well.
My best friend eventually walked the wrong path in my eyes. We drank, which was no problem for me at all, I gladly joined them...but then he started to smoke weed. This was going too far for me, so I took my distance.
When the exams came I passed them with flying colors...pretty easy, nothing to complain.
I was pretty much behind my computer the whole day after school so I decided I wanted to do something with IT. And so it happened. At this time I probably figured out I had a crush on the girl I cycled home with every day. I hardly saw her anymore anyway.
I went to the same college as my best friend, but we ended up in different classes, I went down the managing part, while he went down the designers part. This also helped me maintain my distance towards him and eventually we drifted apart.
Once again I was pretty much of a loner. I met some people but I didn't grow close with them.
There was this guy, whose birthday was the same day as mine, except he was born a year earlier. People sort of bullied him, and I immediately decided to stand up for him. we became friends. He was a smart guy, but we didn't end up being such close friends at all.
There was this tall guy over there who would touch me on the shoulder and at my back saying things like you are my boyfriend. The whole year he never bothered me, or anyone, and around the end of the year he decided to do something like this. I talked to my mentor about this and he never did it again. This was mainly because we never saw him around the school again anyway. It was also around this time I had a crush on a girl from a different class. I would often see her in the media library. I wrote her a poem, and finally gained the courage to give it to her when we were along in the elevator. She asked me who wrote it. I said I did, but she never said anything back and when she saw me she would turn her head and walk away. Well, her loss I guess. I didn't bother her anymore after this.
At this time I decided that I didn't like the school nor the education and I decided to leave the school.
I though; but not before I created some ruckus. Well, there used to be someone who called themselves the Skittles king, with a hotmail address. They would send obscure pictures to everyone from our class. Now we figured out who these persons were because they would often eat skittles. I decided to do the same, but then with Snickers. I would be the Snickersking, but I took it a step further, perhaps a step too far. I mailed pictures to even teachers. Never got into any trouble, but once there was a guy, who could not appreciate it. He was a student, and looked like he just stepped out of the matrix. I sent him a picture of Neo. He went to his mentor, who in return found out it was me doing this. Saying that if I wasn't planning on leaving the school I would get suspended.
Well, I didn't. I changed schools and I thought I finally found my place. ICT system manager.
Once again because of the lenght of this entry I shall continue in the next!
Stay with me, I'm almost through!
May 26th 1988
I was born on May 26th 1988.
In the Eudokia hospital in Rotterdam, the Netherlands. The hospital doesn't exist anymore unfortunately. I am the son of a Spanish father and a Dutch mother. Sometimes this troubles me because for the Dutch I am a foreigner, and I was always treated this way and personally I feel this way too, I feel like a Spaniard. The only downside is, I don't speak the language yet. I am planning to learn it as I want to get closer to my roots and find out my true self. I was named Michael , after Michael Jackson. Back then I didn't like the name, I still don't but I have come to peace with it now. Especially because MJ is sort of a legend to me. I do however request anyone to call me Mike instead of Michael. This is because I was bullied a lot in primary school. Kids would often call me michael the eikel. Eikel is the Dutch word for dickhead. Not a pleasant memory, however this was not my first.
Some people say you don't remember anything at all from when you were a baby. My earliest memory is probably one from when I was 2 or 3 years old. I was still in the baby buggy at that time, I remember this really well. It used to rain, and it was a bit foggy, the street was empty and I knew at that time that I would love the sound and feel of soft rain on my face, it feels like closing your eyes on a hot shower. This is probably my earliest memory.
The other memories I have is from watching old photos with my parents. I loved to go to the children's farm. I saw a lot of photos of me being there. I also loved to walk in the forest. When I was 2 years old I got a febrile seizure. This can be compared with an epileptic attack..Put a good scare on my parents. Then there is a not so pleasant memory of when I was 3 years old... I was touched by my cousin. I won't put any detail on that there, but I thought I should share. Another thing also happened when I was 3 years old, I was riding my tricycle in the house too fast and I fell off. I hit my head on a shelf, this explains the scar I have on the left side of my head. I also had a great interest in toy cars, and toy tool sets. Mainly the toy cars, because I collected a lot, knew every brand and type by name at such a young age, and I collected cards of cars. I used to have a great fear of the color black, this was probably derived from my fear of fire, because if something was burned it would leave a black spot. I also fear insects and spiders, which I still do.
We moved back in 1992 before my birthday when I was 3 years old. I went to kindergarten when I was 4 years old. I was a shy but proud kid.. I remember someone wanted to play with me when I first got introduced to the class, but I hid behind my mom. I also remember when my parents bought me a Lego car. I proudly showed this to my class.
The bullying would start here. I don't know why people bullied me and until today I still don't know. I do think I have gained a light form of PTST because of this, however this was never proven. I remember a day when someone bullied me so bad I peed my pants. The teacher was out of the classroom and I would go out on the hallways looking for her, wondering where she went. I do remember I got some cool overalls from school that made me look like Super Mario so that my parents could wash my own clothes. I used to be a big fan of Mario ever since I was a child.
Not much I can say about the upcoming years after that. I loved reading books, mainly detectives and children's books. Sometimes I would read things that was below my age. I just liked them, I loved the imagination and the fantasy used in the books, but the teachers nor my classmates understood this. I don't think they understood me at all. I loved to play imaginary games. For example I loved to play that I was Mario, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc. etc.
I used to be pretty good at drawing, probably the best of my class by then. People always wanted me to draw stuff for them. Sometimes they even forced me to do it. Saying things like, if you don't we will hit you after school. At this time this happened atleast twice a week for a reason I still don't know. I also was one of the brightest kids in class. I never been really good at maths though, and I didn't like it up until high school.
(Just to explain here; in the Netherlands kids usually go to kindergarten at the age of 4 years old. Kinder garten has 2 years, after that in the 3rd grade it's called primary school, which takes up until the 8th grade. After that you go to high school, and from there, depending on your skill you go to college, or university.)
Anyway one of the things I remember when I once got into a fight is that someone hit my nose and it wouldn't stop bleeding. The kids always used to wait for me at the corner of my street, which lead to the school as well. Usually my dad looked out of the window for me to walk around the corner. This time he didn't. When I came home crying my mother would visit the kid's house with me to make things up. My dad being the badass he is came along a while later. I remember him getting into a fistfight with the kid's father. It was pretty funny when you think about it.. I am pretty much of a daddy's boy, in the sense of I get along better with my dad than with my mom. According to my dad it has been this way ever since I was a baby. No one, not even my mother could hardly touch me, except my dad.
In the 8th grade of primary school one of the teachers remarked that I had changed. I got a bit more upstanding. We didn't have a teacher at the 8th grade anymore because there simply was none. Our class got split up to sit with lower classes and do independent work which would be discussed once a week with the whole class. I never really had much friends, but the friends that I had I really valued high. My friend Andy whom I played with ever since I was a kid lived around the corner from my house. There wasn't a day we didn't hang out. My aunt and uncle would live in the apartment underneath ours. I hung out with my (other) cousin a lot too. Most of my friends, the persons I valued a lot moved, this devastated me, since I don't get along well with people in general, so it was a big shock for me to hear the people I could get along well were gone out of my life. I felt lonely back then. I also had some crushes back in the 8th grade but it never turned out to be anything at all. We had these "detective" clubs going on as well, trying to solve mysteries around the neighborhood and at school... Well this was pretty much about it considering my primary school years, and the first 12 years of my life.
It's probably for the best if I close this chapter and start a new one with the following years to make reading this a lot easier.
I hope I don't bore you with this, but it certainly does me good to write this down.
See you soon.
In the Eudokia hospital in Rotterdam, the Netherlands. The hospital doesn't exist anymore unfortunately. I am the son of a Spanish father and a Dutch mother. Sometimes this troubles me because for the Dutch I am a foreigner, and I was always treated this way and personally I feel this way too, I feel like a Spaniard. The only downside is, I don't speak the language yet. I am planning to learn it as I want to get closer to my roots and find out my true self. I was named Michael , after Michael Jackson. Back then I didn't like the name, I still don't but I have come to peace with it now. Especially because MJ is sort of a legend to me. I do however request anyone to call me Mike instead of Michael. This is because I was bullied a lot in primary school. Kids would often call me michael the eikel. Eikel is the Dutch word for dickhead. Not a pleasant memory, however this was not my first.
Some people say you don't remember anything at all from when you were a baby. My earliest memory is probably one from when I was 2 or 3 years old. I was still in the baby buggy at that time, I remember this really well. It used to rain, and it was a bit foggy, the street was empty and I knew at that time that I would love the sound and feel of soft rain on my face, it feels like closing your eyes on a hot shower. This is probably my earliest memory.
The other memories I have is from watching old photos with my parents. I loved to go to the children's farm. I saw a lot of photos of me being there. I also loved to walk in the forest. When I was 2 years old I got a febrile seizure. This can be compared with an epileptic attack..Put a good scare on my parents. Then there is a not so pleasant memory of when I was 3 years old... I was touched by my cousin. I won't put any detail on that there, but I thought I should share. Another thing also happened when I was 3 years old, I was riding my tricycle in the house too fast and I fell off. I hit my head on a shelf, this explains the scar I have on the left side of my head. I also had a great interest in toy cars, and toy tool sets. Mainly the toy cars, because I collected a lot, knew every brand and type by name at such a young age, and I collected cards of cars. I used to have a great fear of the color black, this was probably derived from my fear of fire, because if something was burned it would leave a black spot. I also fear insects and spiders, which I still do.
We moved back in 1992 before my birthday when I was 3 years old. I went to kindergarten when I was 4 years old. I was a shy but proud kid.. I remember someone wanted to play with me when I first got introduced to the class, but I hid behind my mom. I also remember when my parents bought me a Lego car. I proudly showed this to my class.
The bullying would start here. I don't know why people bullied me and until today I still don't know. I do think I have gained a light form of PTST because of this, however this was never proven. I remember a day when someone bullied me so bad I peed my pants. The teacher was out of the classroom and I would go out on the hallways looking for her, wondering where she went. I do remember I got some cool overalls from school that made me look like Super Mario so that my parents could wash my own clothes. I used to be a big fan of Mario ever since I was a child.
Not much I can say about the upcoming years after that. I loved reading books, mainly detectives and children's books. Sometimes I would read things that was below my age. I just liked them, I loved the imagination and the fantasy used in the books, but the teachers nor my classmates understood this. I don't think they understood me at all. I loved to play imaginary games. For example I loved to play that I was Mario, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc. etc.
I used to be pretty good at drawing, probably the best of my class by then. People always wanted me to draw stuff for them. Sometimes they even forced me to do it. Saying things like, if you don't we will hit you after school. At this time this happened atleast twice a week for a reason I still don't know. I also was one of the brightest kids in class. I never been really good at maths though, and I didn't like it up until high school.
(Just to explain here; in the Netherlands kids usually go to kindergarten at the age of 4 years old. Kinder garten has 2 years, after that in the 3rd grade it's called primary school, which takes up until the 8th grade. After that you go to high school, and from there, depending on your skill you go to college, or university.)
Anyway one of the things I remember when I once got into a fight is that someone hit my nose and it wouldn't stop bleeding. The kids always used to wait for me at the corner of my street, which lead to the school as well. Usually my dad looked out of the window for me to walk around the corner. This time he didn't. When I came home crying my mother would visit the kid's house with me to make things up. My dad being the badass he is came along a while later. I remember him getting into a fistfight with the kid's father. It was pretty funny when you think about it.. I am pretty much of a daddy's boy, in the sense of I get along better with my dad than with my mom. According to my dad it has been this way ever since I was a baby. No one, not even my mother could hardly touch me, except my dad.
In the 8th grade of primary school one of the teachers remarked that I had changed. I got a bit more upstanding. We didn't have a teacher at the 8th grade anymore because there simply was none. Our class got split up to sit with lower classes and do independent work which would be discussed once a week with the whole class. I never really had much friends, but the friends that I had I really valued high. My friend Andy whom I played with ever since I was a kid lived around the corner from my house. There wasn't a day we didn't hang out. My aunt and uncle would live in the apartment underneath ours. I hung out with my (other) cousin a lot too. Most of my friends, the persons I valued a lot moved, this devastated me, since I don't get along well with people in general, so it was a big shock for me to hear the people I could get along well were gone out of my life. I felt lonely back then. I also had some crushes back in the 8th grade but it never turned out to be anything at all. We had these "detective" clubs going on as well, trying to solve mysteries around the neighborhood and at school... Well this was pretty much about it considering my primary school years, and the first 12 years of my life.
It's probably for the best if I close this chapter and start a new one with the following years to make reading this a lot easier.
I hope I don't bore you with this, but it certainly does me good to write this down.
See you soon.
Prelude
Hello everyone, and welcome to my blog.
I decided to make a blog so that people who don't know me, don't know me that well, or simply would like to know more about me, can read of it here. I am also planning on writing down things I am thinking about, or simply things I'd like to share to no one in particular. See it as a outlet valve for me to share what's on my mind, whether it is positive or negative. Hopefully more positive things though!
Today it's a new year with new chances and I hope this year shall be a good one for me, my colleagues and all the people I care about.
I decided to start my entry with the day that I was born up until now. Some things I probably don't remember or might not want to talk about. Either way, the next entry will be a long one, and I hope you come along for the ride. Hang on because it's going to be bumpy!
I decided to make a blog so that people who don't know me, don't know me that well, or simply would like to know more about me, can read of it here. I am also planning on writing down things I am thinking about, or simply things I'd like to share to no one in particular. See it as a outlet valve for me to share what's on my mind, whether it is positive or negative. Hopefully more positive things though!
Today it's a new year with new chances and I hope this year shall be a good one for me, my colleagues and all the people I care about.
I decided to start my entry with the day that I was born up until now. Some things I probably don't remember or might not want to talk about. Either way, the next entry will be a long one, and I hope you come along for the ride. Hang on because it's going to be bumpy!
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