Still today, January 3rd 2018
How does my brain work?
Quite simple.
You have an internet browser and you open a website. You see a link and you open this in a new tab.
You continue reading the first page, but you are also interested in the second. You switch tabs.
On the second tab, you see again a link, and you click it to open in a new tab. Go back to the first website and repeat. Eventually you've read all the pages you wanted to read, but did you notice how long it took?
This is also how our brain works.
Let's say we receive information #1 that needs to go from A to E.
You would pick it up, go from A to E and then you are done. We pick it up and go to A, B, C, D and finally arrive at E to put the information in place. Do you realize the difference?
For every step you take, I have to take 10.
This is not a choice, this is my harsh reality I have to life with for the rest of my life.
What does this mean? To me it simply means that I work harder than neurotypical people. Unfortunately this is not how it looks on the outside. No. I did exactly the same as the other person, but probably slower, but also more accurate. The real question is, what do you expect from us?
Did I just take one step like everybody else? Or did I take 10 to you?
For me the answer is clear. All the information I get during a day makes me tired. Sometimes exhausted. Why?
Not only because of the disorder I've been born with, but also because I refuse to let a disorder disturb my functioning in society. That's right. I fight my "weakness" to fit in society and live up to the expectations of my surroundings.
"But I just read it makes you tired, what gives?"
Well, I want to prove to myself and my surroundings that a disorder doesn't have to be a disability.
The downside is that I try so hard, that the surroundings forget what I have to go through every single day. The downside is that I look so normal that you wouldn't guess I'd have Asperger's Syndrome.
I also hate to fall back on a disorder just like; "Oh I'm lazy, lets throw it on a disorder and enjoy lazy life." Truth however is, yes, sometimes it's hard to handle, sometimes I cannot even stand myself.
I get upset with myself, hate myself for not being able to hang on the society train of expectations and social life. This is how it is, and this ladies and gentlemen is why I still have trouble finding peace for myself.
I give more than I can handle sometimes.
I go home and cry.
I feel better.
Repeat.
But this doesn't really solve the problem, now does it?
I am aware of my surroundings. I remember your birthdays. What you told me thousand years ago.
The jar of memories, even the little things that for normal people doesn't even matter stick with me. I don't even know why. This is maybe also why I still fall back on these bad experiences every now and then, which upsets me because it may hurt my surroundings.
Point is, I am quite aware, but are you?
Have you read about Asperger's Syndrome? Have you invested time in me?
I am willing to help you do it, but you need to make the time for it. You need to be interested else it will not work. I know I shouldn't even help you with it because if you are interested in me as a person, as an employee, you already should have, but here I am, nice enough to guide you in the right direction of understanding me.
I still have trouble with things, but with your help, time, interest and understanding you can help me overcome it. Bonding with people has been hard for me given my past experiences in life.
That said, I want to give a shoutout to my fiancée Leda, and my best friends, whom I consider as family, Triantafillia & Vaggelis who have been more than kind to me.
There is love straight from the heart from these people and they really helped me feel it in my heart too.
Mr Bear, Out.
woensdag 3 januari 2018
Relapse Part II
Today, January 3rd 2018.
Given the summary of my story in the previous entry I will continue here in the present.
Recently I've come to terms with that I am far from being in peace with myself.
Sure I've come to accepted things a bit better, but I still try to fit in a world that was never made for me.
Bad experiences from the past resurface from time to time and it makes me feel left out. Left out of the whole world. Insecurities and anxiety rise. I don't want to be a part of anything anymore.
Just let me be, in my own world, the one I created. The one that accepts me as I am.
When there is tension in a person I can feel it in the air. I get insecure. Did I do something?
Will they start hitting me? Beating me? Telling me I don't belong there? Exploit me? Neglect me?
Why would they want me to be there? Nobody wants me right?
I get scared, I feel everyone wants to hurt me, I try to defend myself and completely shut out. The feelings cobble up inside of me and they won't leave until I am absolutely sure the tension is gone. Sometimes there is guilt left behind. Guilt from something that isn't even my fault, but I feel somehow I could have avoided it. If I just gave a little bit more, if I did it just a bit better...
I am dealing with misunderstanding and lack of knowledge a lot in my life. How can I live up to the world's expectations if I am not, and will never be a part of it? Yet I live in this world and its rules.
I'm too sane to be incompetent for social life, but I am also too autistic to follow in neurotypical's ways of doing things. This alone makes me a special case. Why would the world, or my surroundings for this matter adjust themselves to me? Should they? Should I contribute to this? Should they just learn how to deal with me? I don't know, you tell me.
You see, on first glance I am exactly like everybody else. I function. As a matter of fact, I am a high functioning individual. What does this mean?
Let me start with hypersensitivity and high awareness. This means I notice every little detail others might have missed or even never bother paying attention to. Sounds absolutely break me. Noticing even the slightest sound that is out of place. Also try putting the radio louder before announcing it and I will break a little on the inside. When I am asleep I hear every sound possible. However when there is a sound I do not recognize, I am wide awake. Why?
My brains don't stop working ever. Not even when I am sleeping. That's right.. I never can truly rest, and this for the duration of my life. Don't worry, I have found ways to help me, but it still means I cannot rest as good as you people do.
Next up is communication.
How does one communicate with me? For instance, tell me something with body language and I wouldn't understand a thing. Tell me with a way around and I have no idea what you try to tell me. Tell me directly and I understand perfectly. This however doesn't mean you should speak to me like a child. Just be brief and direct.
Emotions I find hard in reading them, but even more so in expressing them.
How should I react in specific situations? Chances are I feel the same as you do in a specific situation, but since I am not able to express it very well, you cannot read it from my face, or even my body language. Don't automatically assume that I don't feel. I just don't know how to express, or sometimes, even understand my own feeling.
Verbal communication doesn't work for me either. I am much better at expressing myself in writing. This way it also helps me understand my own emotions, and make sure the way of expressing myself doesn't offend you, because if you force me to verbal communicate, I blurt out the most unexpected things, which aren't always convenient to the situation at hand. I will give it a try though, if you give me the time to write my story, and don't judge me if I read the story that I wrote in front of you without looking at you.
That was a long entry right here..
Stay with me for part III for a better idea of how my brain works.
Given the summary of my story in the previous entry I will continue here in the present.
Recently I've come to terms with that I am far from being in peace with myself.
Sure I've come to accepted things a bit better, but I still try to fit in a world that was never made for me.
Bad experiences from the past resurface from time to time and it makes me feel left out. Left out of the whole world. Insecurities and anxiety rise. I don't want to be a part of anything anymore.
Just let me be, in my own world, the one I created. The one that accepts me as I am.
When there is tension in a person I can feel it in the air. I get insecure. Did I do something?
Will they start hitting me? Beating me? Telling me I don't belong there? Exploit me? Neglect me?
Why would they want me to be there? Nobody wants me right?
I get scared, I feel everyone wants to hurt me, I try to defend myself and completely shut out. The feelings cobble up inside of me and they won't leave until I am absolutely sure the tension is gone. Sometimes there is guilt left behind. Guilt from something that isn't even my fault, but I feel somehow I could have avoided it. If I just gave a little bit more, if I did it just a bit better...
I am dealing with misunderstanding and lack of knowledge a lot in my life. How can I live up to the world's expectations if I am not, and will never be a part of it? Yet I live in this world and its rules.
I'm too sane to be incompetent for social life, but I am also too autistic to follow in neurotypical's ways of doing things. This alone makes me a special case. Why would the world, or my surroundings for this matter adjust themselves to me? Should they? Should I contribute to this? Should they just learn how to deal with me? I don't know, you tell me.
You see, on first glance I am exactly like everybody else. I function. As a matter of fact, I am a high functioning individual. What does this mean?
Let me start with hypersensitivity and high awareness. This means I notice every little detail others might have missed or even never bother paying attention to. Sounds absolutely break me. Noticing even the slightest sound that is out of place. Also try putting the radio louder before announcing it and I will break a little on the inside. When I am asleep I hear every sound possible. However when there is a sound I do not recognize, I am wide awake. Why?
My brains don't stop working ever. Not even when I am sleeping. That's right.. I never can truly rest, and this for the duration of my life. Don't worry, I have found ways to help me, but it still means I cannot rest as good as you people do.
Next up is communication.
How does one communicate with me? For instance, tell me something with body language and I wouldn't understand a thing. Tell me with a way around and I have no idea what you try to tell me. Tell me directly and I understand perfectly. This however doesn't mean you should speak to me like a child. Just be brief and direct.
Emotions I find hard in reading them, but even more so in expressing them.
How should I react in specific situations? Chances are I feel the same as you do in a specific situation, but since I am not able to express it very well, you cannot read it from my face, or even my body language. Don't automatically assume that I don't feel. I just don't know how to express, or sometimes, even understand my own feeling.
Verbal communication doesn't work for me either. I am much better at expressing myself in writing. This way it also helps me understand my own emotions, and make sure the way of expressing myself doesn't offend you, because if you force me to verbal communicate, I blurt out the most unexpected things, which aren't always convenient to the situation at hand. I will give it a try though, if you give me the time to write my story, and don't judge me if I read the story that I wrote in front of you without looking at you.
That was a long entry right here..
Stay with me for part III for a better idea of how my brain works.
Relapse Part I
May 25th 1988 at 14:59
The first memory I probably have are the yellow-brownish tiles of the hospital I was born.
I don't know if this memory comes from a picture I've once seen, or the fact that I do remember the room. My memories are a bit foggy, but not strange considering the fact that this is 30 years ago.
The first few years seemed like I was living a normal life as a normal kid. At age 2 I broke the bars of my bed so I could sneak out to the living room.
However I don't think I want to talk about these memories. Lets skip a few years.
We've reached the point where it all started, or maybe even before it all started, but this period is as good as any to begin expressing.
I spent a lot of time with my mother, but there was always something I didn't really like. I just couldn't place it. Of course she was just doing her best, but I felt like my dad wasn't involved at all.
This changed after my parents divorced in 2010. More on this later.
Going to school I was always the odd one out, always different. I wanted to play with all the kids, but for some reason nobody wanted to play with me, except a few. I don't know if this is normal or not, but it bothered me that when they played with other people I didn't have anyone to play with.
This is not the only thing. Some of the kids in my class bullied me almost every day. It wasn't just calling names, they also hit me. In my mind they did that because I deserved it, because I was different. I still think I do even though I try to tell myself this is not the case.
High school was a different story, in order to fit in better I pretended to be someone else, or sometimes just didn't bother with people at all.
I never really felt motivated to do anything for school, so I used to work a lot in class so I have free time at home. The way of teaching in general never motivated me. Some of the stuff that interested me stayed with me.
The rest is not so important up to 2010.
My parents divorced and I moved out of my parents house.
The reason of the divorce can be read in one of my previous entries if you are interested. Up until this day I don't really believe everything happened as people said, but I tried to have peace with it,it is not my life after all.
The following years I believed I was happy, while in fact since age 13 or maybe even before I was quite depressed. This in pair with the mental abuse I had to endure were too much for me to handle. I went to the mental health doctors at some point and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
(For in depth information I refer you to previous entries).
This changed my life in many ways. I understood myself better and I have a better ability to live with my environment.
For a few years I survived on my own, wondering for whatever purpose, sometimes even wondering if I shouldn't just end it. But I didn't endure all these hardships to actually do it.
After I finished my second therapy I learned a lot about myself once again. Still surviving on my own I decided to just go with the flow.
A few years passed and I met my now fiancée.
This story will follow up in the present time in Part II
The first memory I probably have are the yellow-brownish tiles of the hospital I was born.
I don't know if this memory comes from a picture I've once seen, or the fact that I do remember the room. My memories are a bit foggy, but not strange considering the fact that this is 30 years ago.
The first few years seemed like I was living a normal life as a normal kid. At age 2 I broke the bars of my bed so I could sneak out to the living room.
However I don't think I want to talk about these memories. Lets skip a few years.
We've reached the point where it all started, or maybe even before it all started, but this period is as good as any to begin expressing.
I spent a lot of time with my mother, but there was always something I didn't really like. I just couldn't place it. Of course she was just doing her best, but I felt like my dad wasn't involved at all.
This changed after my parents divorced in 2010. More on this later.
Going to school I was always the odd one out, always different. I wanted to play with all the kids, but for some reason nobody wanted to play with me, except a few. I don't know if this is normal or not, but it bothered me that when they played with other people I didn't have anyone to play with.
This is not the only thing. Some of the kids in my class bullied me almost every day. It wasn't just calling names, they also hit me. In my mind they did that because I deserved it, because I was different. I still think I do even though I try to tell myself this is not the case.
High school was a different story, in order to fit in better I pretended to be someone else, or sometimes just didn't bother with people at all.
I never really felt motivated to do anything for school, so I used to work a lot in class so I have free time at home. The way of teaching in general never motivated me. Some of the stuff that interested me stayed with me.
The rest is not so important up to 2010.
My parents divorced and I moved out of my parents house.
The reason of the divorce can be read in one of my previous entries if you are interested. Up until this day I don't really believe everything happened as people said, but I tried to have peace with it,it is not my life after all.
The following years I believed I was happy, while in fact since age 13 or maybe even before I was quite depressed. This in pair with the mental abuse I had to endure were too much for me to handle. I went to the mental health doctors at some point and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
(For in depth information I refer you to previous entries).
This changed my life in many ways. I understood myself better and I have a better ability to live with my environment.
For a few years I survived on my own, wondering for whatever purpose, sometimes even wondering if I shouldn't just end it. But I didn't endure all these hardships to actually do it.
After I finished my second therapy I learned a lot about myself once again. Still surviving on my own I decided to just go with the flow.
A few years passed and I met my now fiancée.
This story will follow up in the present time in Part II
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