Relapse Part III

Still today, January 3rd 2018

How does my brain work?

Quite simple.
You have an internet browser and you open a website. You see a link and you open this in a new tab.
You continue reading the first page, but you are also interested in the second. You switch tabs.
On the second tab, you see again a link, and you click it to open in a new tab. Go back to the first website and repeat. Eventually you've read all the pages you wanted to read, but did you notice how long it took?

This is also how our brain works.
Let's say we receive information #1 that needs to go from A to E.
You would pick it up, go from A to E and then you are done. We pick it up and go to A, B, C, D and finally arrive at E to put the information in place. Do you realize the difference?

For every step you take, I have to take 10.
This is not a choice, this is my harsh reality I have to life with for the rest of my life.
What does this mean? To me it simply means that I work harder than neurotypical people. Unfortunately this is not how it looks on the outside. No. I did exactly the same as the other person, but probably slower, but also more accurate. The real question is, what do you expect from us?

Did I just take one step like everybody else? Or did I take 10 to you?
For me the answer is clear. All the information I get during a day makes me tired. Sometimes exhausted. Why?

Not only because of the disorder I've been born with, but also because I refuse to let a disorder disturb my functioning in society. That's right. I fight my "weakness" to fit in society and live up to the expectations of my surroundings.

"But I just read it makes you tired, what gives?"
Well, I want to prove to myself and my surroundings that a disorder doesn't have to be a disability.
The downside is that I try so hard, that the surroundings forget what I have to go through every single day. The downside is that I look so normal that you wouldn't guess I'd have Asperger's Syndrome.

I also hate to fall back on a disorder just like; "Oh I'm lazy, lets throw it on a disorder and enjoy lazy life." Truth however is, yes, sometimes it's hard to handle, sometimes I cannot even stand myself.
I get upset with myself, hate myself for not being able to hang on the society train of expectations and social life. This is how it is, and this ladies and gentlemen is why I still have trouble finding peace for myself.

I give more than I can handle sometimes.
I go home and cry.
I feel better.
Repeat.

But this doesn't really solve the problem, now does it?
I am aware of my surroundings. I remember your birthdays. What you told me thousand years ago.
The jar of memories, even the little things that for normal people doesn't even matter stick with me. I don't even know why. This is maybe also why I still fall back on these bad experiences every now and then, which upsets me because it may hurt my surroundings.

Point is, I am quite aware, but are you?
Have you read about Asperger's Syndrome? Have you invested time in me?
I am willing to help you do it, but you need to make the time for it. You need to be interested else it will not work. I know I shouldn't even help you with it because if you are interested in me as a person, as an employee, you already should have, but here I am, nice enough to guide you in the right direction of understanding me.

I still have trouble with things, but with your help, time, interest and understanding you can help me overcome it. Bonding with people has been hard for me given my past experiences in life.

That said, I want to give a shoutout to my fiancée Leda, and my best friends, whom I consider as family, Triantafillia & Vaggelis who have been more than kind to me.

There is love straight from the heart from these people and they really helped me feel it in my heart too.

Mr Bear, Out.