Relapse Part I

May 25th 1988 at 14:59

The first memory I probably have are the yellow-brownish tiles of the hospital I was born.
I don't know if this memory comes from a picture I've once seen, or the fact that I do remember the room. My memories are a bit foggy, but not strange considering the fact that this is 30 years ago.

The first few years seemed like I was living a normal life as a normal kid. At age 2 I broke the bars of my bed so I could sneak out to the living room.

However I don't think I want to talk about these memories. Lets skip a few years.
We've reached the point where it all started, or maybe even before it all started, but this period is as good as any to begin expressing.

I spent a lot of time with my mother, but there was always something I didn't really like. I just couldn't place it. Of course she was just doing her best, but I felt like my dad wasn't involved at all.
This changed after my parents divorced in 2010. More on this later.

Going to school I was always the odd one out, always different. I wanted to play with all the kids, but for some reason nobody wanted to play with me, except a few. I don't know if this is normal or not, but it bothered me that when they played with other people I didn't have anyone to play with.
This is not the only thing. Some of the kids in my class bullied me almost every day. It wasn't just calling names, they also hit me. In my mind they did that because I deserved it, because I was different. I still think I do even though I try to tell myself this is not the case.

High school was a different story, in order to fit in better I pretended to be someone else, or sometimes just didn't bother with people at all.
I never really felt motivated to do anything for school, so I used to work a lot in class so I have free time at home. The way of teaching in general never motivated me. Some of the stuff that interested me stayed with me.

The rest is not so important up to 2010.
My parents divorced and I moved out of my parents house.
The reason of the divorce can be read in one of my previous entries if you are interested. Up until this day I don't really believe everything happened as people said, but I tried to have peace with it,it is not my life after all.

The following years I believed I was happy, while in fact since age 13 or maybe even before I was quite depressed. This in pair with the mental abuse I had to endure were too much for me to handle. I went to the mental health doctors at some point and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
(For in depth information I refer you to previous entries).

This changed my life in many ways. I understood myself better and I have a better ability to live with my environment.
For a few years I survived on my own, wondering for whatever purpose, sometimes even wondering if I shouldn't just end it. But I didn't endure all these hardships to actually do it.
After I finished my second therapy I learned a lot about myself once again. Still surviving on my own I decided to just go with the flow.

A few years passed and I met my now fiancée.

This story will follow up in the present time in Part II