Relapse Part II

Today, January 3rd 2018.

Given the summary of my story in the previous entry I will continue here in the present.
Recently I've come to terms with that I am far from being in peace with myself.
Sure I've come to accepted things a bit better, but I still try to fit in a world that was never made for me.

Bad experiences from the past resurface from time to time and it makes me feel left out. Left out of the whole world. Insecurities and anxiety rise. I don't want to be a part of anything anymore.
Just let me be, in my own world, the one I created. The one that accepts me as I am.

When there is tension in a person I can feel it in the air. I get insecure. Did I do something?
Will they start hitting me? Beating me? Telling me I don't belong there? Exploit me? Neglect me?
Why would they want me to be there? Nobody wants me right?

I get scared, I feel everyone wants to hurt me, I try to defend myself and completely shut out. The feelings cobble up inside of me and they won't leave until I am absolutely sure the tension is gone. Sometimes there is guilt left behind. Guilt from something that isn't even my fault, but I feel somehow I could have avoided it. If I just gave a little bit more, if I did it just a bit better...

I am dealing with misunderstanding and lack of knowledge a lot in my life. How can I live up to the world's expectations if I am not, and will never be a part of it? Yet I live in this world and its rules.
I'm too sane to be incompetent for social life, but I am also too autistic to follow in neurotypical's ways of doing things. This alone makes me a special case. Why would the world, or my surroundings for this matter adjust themselves to me? Should they? Should I contribute to this? Should they just learn how to deal with me? I don't know, you tell me.

You see, on first glance I am exactly like everybody else. I function. As a matter of fact, I am a high functioning individual. What does this mean?
Let me start with hypersensitivity and  high awareness. This means I notice every little detail others might have missed or even never bother paying attention to. Sounds absolutely break me. Noticing even the slightest sound that is out of place. Also try putting the radio louder before announcing it and I will break a little on the inside. When I am asleep I hear every sound possible. However when there is a sound I do not recognize, I am wide awake. Why?

My brains don't stop working ever. Not even when I am sleeping. That's right.. I never can truly rest, and this for the duration of my life. Don't worry, I have found ways to help me, but it still means I cannot rest as good as you people do.

Next up is communication.
How does one communicate with me? For instance, tell me something with body language and I wouldn't understand a thing. Tell me with a way around and I have no idea what you try to tell me. Tell me directly and I understand perfectly. This however doesn't mean you should speak to me like a child. Just be brief and direct.

Emotions I find hard in reading them, but even more so in expressing them.
How should I react in specific situations? Chances are I feel the same as you do in a specific situation, but since I am not able to express it very well, you cannot read it from my face, or even my body language. Don't automatically assume that I don't feel. I just don't know how to express, or sometimes, even understand my own feeling.

Verbal communication doesn't work for me either. I am much better at expressing myself in writing. This way it also helps me understand my own emotions, and make sure the way of expressing myself doesn't offend you, because if you force me to verbal communicate, I blurt out the most unexpected things, which aren't always convenient to the situation at hand. I will give it a try though, if you give me the time to write my story, and don't judge me if I read the story that I wrote in front of you without looking at you.

That was a long entry right here..
Stay with me for part III for a better idea of how my brain works.